Envy

I am in the process of reading a book called Envy. Laurie was talking about this book a few weeks ago. I knew I had to get my hands on a copy and read it from cover to cover. I wanted to read it because I was in a battle. About a year ago envy wasn't something that ruled my life. But, recently jealousy and envy have gained new ground. If you have watched Spiderman 3 you can get a picture of what envy does to you. The black ooze covering your skin and taking over your emotions. I haven't read enough of the book to start battling it. So far I have just read the description of what envy is and how it manifest. I plan to finish the book this week and I might share some of the insights. One question I want answered is should I ask for forgiveness? There are two people I am very envious of. Should I approach them and make them aware of my sin? Whenever they walk in the room I either feel extremely insecure or inexcusably bitter. I want to encourage them and love them, but my selfish ways get the better of me. This book is convicting me in more ways than one. I pray I can overcome this sin before it gets worse.

Hillside

I don't remember ever posting anything about Hillside Christian Fellowship. Hillside is a church group that meets together daily to fellowship, worship, and pray. It is held at different homes. I attend on and off. I am thinking about attending more regularly. The group is very creative, passionate, and loving. It was very easy to settle in and make friends. You will probably be hearing more about this group in my daily blogs.

A New Stirring

Well, I am overwhelmed. Succat Hallel has a pod cast now!!! I ran into this wonderful truth tonight. I admit I shed some tears of joy. You can listen to them HERE. As you all know I LOVE Israel. I am going to start contending for the money to finance a trip to Israel. It will be on my daily prayer list. You can add it to your list as well. This has given me some joy in the midst of confusion.

Deaf

I must confess I am not hearing God clearly. Somewhere He made a U turn and I didn't turn fast enough. Now I have to back track and catch up with Him.

1. My worship set is postponed till mid March. Two babies have been born and the families needs to focus on the these bundles of joy.
2. I didn't end up attending One Thing because of my illness.
3. I have been surrounded by people who don't support the IHOP lifestyle.
4. I have a more sensitive spirit toward the issue of relationships. I find myself distracted and lonely.

I know I am in a transition period. Unfortunately it is not going smoothly. I am not hearing what God wants me to do. Right now I am spending most of my time in my room listening to One Thing pod casts and CDs. I am hoping it will afford me some enlightenment. It gave me goosebumps, but I don't know how to apply the knowledge in my current state.

One very positive event that has occurred is dealing with my job. I spend 2 hours in a building everyday except Sundays. That will give me enough money to provide for myself but won't interrupt other social and spiritual activities. But God is not opening the doors of heaven. I am getting very little revelation. Right now my path is hidden and my goals are unattainable. I got a word that I was going through a changing process. I thought I knew what she meant at the time I received the word. I was wrong. God is changing me so quickly that I don't know who I am. He is stripping away everything to expose my barrenness. I haven't been praying to tell you the truth. I am not compelled to pray anymore. It is more of a burden. Tonight I am going to turn off the lights, put on a few candles, play some Misty, and struggle to open up the lines of communication again.

March 16

That is correct! Palm Sunday is less than a month away. Now I am still in the middle of my "disappointment with God" phase. I am continuing to battle with Him. But, I have this hidden, joyful expectation that Palm Sunday will be miraculous. This holiday has always lifted my spirits. I have never failed to connect with God on this particular holiday! I am sure this year will be just as delightful as the rest. I wish it was here already!!

One Thing

Some of you are aware that One Thing is coming to Fort Wayne. I still don't know why I wasn't allow to attend One Thing, Kansas City. I am still praying for insight. I plan on attending One Thing, Fort Wayne. It can't get here soon enough. After the conference we are having an internship. The cost is somewhere around $3,000. I am in the process of asking God if He wants me to attend. I must admit I am burden with this disconnect. I don't feel like I know what God wants me to do. Not knowing the will of God is agony.

Denying It's Power

One of the most difficult passage in the Bible accuses a majority of believer.

2 Tim 3:5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them.

God plainly writes that His followers will participate in signs and wonders. I have a difficult time discussing this with other people. It seems people always make excuses or water down the message to avoid looking powerless. The fact remains, a majority of Christians do not operate in such power. The fact is I don't participate in signs and wonders. Actually I really don't have the desire to either. Life would get very complicated if the people I prayed for became healthy. My whole life would change. Still I am left questioning my status in the kingdom. If God considers me His disciple I should have power in at least some of my ventures. I am left puzzled and humbled. There are so many standards in God's word that I don't measure up to. When I take God's word at face value I don't consider myself a true follower of Christ. There are too many obligation that I don't live up to. Awhile back I was praying 5 dangerous prayers. My next on is: God show me where I fall short. I am ready for a long list.

Catalog of Events

Today I decided to apply myself. I finished my taxes. I had a lovely figure for a return. The highest it has ever been. I have decided not to spend it before I recieve it. I am going to put the money into my checking and only use it when absolutely necessary. I know part of it will have to go the church building fund. I made a commitment to pay a certain amount. I want to be a good steward.

I also went to a coffee shop and read a rather challenging book called Envy. I enjoyed a tall Chi and read about two chapters. I was unaware that there are so many stories in the Bible that address envy. It is everywhere! While at the coffee shop my sister called me. She told me a story of a friend of hers that fell and broke her arm. It sounded horrific. Apparently it was the worst kind of break a person can get. My sister helped this wounded friend to the hospital. My sister is a hero.

I went to Target as well. I had a gift certificate from Christmas that I hadn't spent yet. I got a shirt and a pair of jeans. I gained ten pounds in the hospital. So while trying on my outfits I was a little troubled. I am hoping to get a discount on a YMCA membership. I love working out and I love playing basketball. I am not worried about loosing the extra weight. I know it will disappear fast. It decided to collect right around my belly. Like always.

So overall my day was eventful!

Exposed by the Light

Ever since I got back from the hospital I have been dealing with an intense affection. I am starting to realize that God knows me. Everyone else sees the surface. God knows the heart. God has been confirming that He wants to give me the desires of my heart. I have been craving to understand how God sees me. As this revelation unfolds I have been manifesting astonishment. Here are two words I was given when I was seeking God's affection for me.

For Zion's sake I will not keep silent, and for Jerusalem's sake I will not keep quiet, until her righteousness goes forth like brightness, and her salvation like a torch that is burning.

AND

The watchmen found me as they went about in the city; they beat me, they bruised me, they took away my veil, those watchmen of the walls.

The word for 2008 is exposer. God is going to start revealing my hiddeness. I know this sounds prideful and self centered. But, it is true that God's love is deep and wide. Vast and powerful. God is asking me to rest in and celebrate His love. The major delima is He is going to reveal the dark places of my heart. I don't mean the bad places. I mean the parts of me that I am eager to hide. The parts of my heart that He pursues. The parts that I am afraid to show the world. I felt like God said, "Tamara you won't be able to express my love and joy for you. I am the only one that can reveal it. AND I WILL!!!!!"

Dear Lord,
I give you permission to lavish your love on me. I give you full access to my heart, emotions, and thoughts. I accept that you are ardently pursuing me. I allow you to prove your heart is after my heart. You are a bridegroom. You are jealous for me. You will fight for me. I allow this pursuit and I humbly accept your invitation.

Dangerous Ground

My life has been interrupted. God is revealing Himself in ways I can't grasp. I feel like I am praying to a stranger. It is my fault. The whole time I was in the hospital I ignored God. I shouldn't be surprised that God is distant. My overall battle deals with misunderstanding. I am confused and this is causing me to fear the future. I don't trust God right now. I could have child like faith if I struggled for it. But, I am too lazy. I need a prophetic word. So friends pray for me and if God tells you anything pass it along. It can be a bible verse, a word of encouragement, or a word of knowledge. I need something. I am desperate. I want to know Him and I want to understand how He sees me.

Transition

I'm am slowing easing myself back into society. I called my boss and verified that I still have a job. I went to The Point on Sunday. I restarted my blog. Gradually I am finding my footing.

The past few months have been a blur. I only remember certain moments. I found out one of the doctors who diagnosed me had a car wreck and died. I only saw him like a month ago. That was a shock. I also had a horrific pain in my leg. I thought I would have it the rest of my life. It is gone now. It was hard to even walk. That was quite scary. It makes me appreciate what I have.

I am getting some connection to some publishing companies. I don't know why but I still have a strong faith that I will publish some day. Nothing has happened yet, but I have hope.

I am still confused. God is testing my faith. Even though I am joyful I still have this feeling of unease. Insecurity rules my emotions and thoughts. Keep praying for me.

Tragedy

The tragedy of mental illness has reared it's ugly head once again. I feel like I am at a crossroads. I can either fight God or trust Him. Since my release I have struggled with my idenity in Christ. I don't feel like myself. Insanity has made me feel completely insecure and unpredictable. God do you really have my best interest in mind? God do you know I am struggling to understand your ways? Are you alright knowing your daughter feels like you are a stranger to her? Here is a delima....
I gave my testimony during a Young Adult's meeting. Someone paid for my trip to One Thing Kansas City. I knew I couldn't afford it so the gift was needed and appreciated. It was like God was confirming my calling to be a prayer missionary. I testified that this provision sealed that I was on the right track. Then the 26th of December came and I had a manic episode. I was in the hospital while 24 of my friends headed to Kansas City without me. YIPES. Talk about delusion. How was I to handle this disappointment? God made me look like a fool. God is working in mysterious ways. He is proving to me that I don't know Him. Pray that I gain clarity.