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Sunday, February 17, 2008


The tragedy of mental illness has reared it's ugly head once again. I feel like I am at a crossroads. I can either fight God or trust Him. Since my release I have struggled with my idenity in Christ. I don't feel like myself. Insanity has made me feel completely insecure and unpredictable. God do you really have my best interest in mind? God do you know I am struggling to understand your ways? Are you alright knowing your daughter feels like you are a stranger to her? Here is a delima....
I gave my testimony during a Young Adult's meeting. Someone paid for my trip to One Thing Kansas City. I knew I couldn't afford it so the gift was needed and appreciated. It was like God was confirming my calling to be a prayer missionary. I testified that this provision sealed that I was on the right track. Then the 26th of December came and I had a manic episode. I was in the hospital while 24 of my friends headed to Kansas City without me. YIPES. Talk about delusion. How was I to handle this disappointment? God made me look like a fool. God is working in mysterious ways. He is proving to me that I don't know Him. Pray that I gain clarity.

1 comment:

Joshy said...

Really good to hear from you Tamara. I cannot offer words of clarity or understanding. There is so much about God and His ways that are such a huge mystery to me. All I can say is that He is worth it, and we will all stand in awe at the Heavenly treasures you have put up for youself through all of this suffering. I believe this.