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Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Changing Leaves

I've been climbing this mountain for awhile now. Today during my walk to campus, I felt drained and incapable. Thankfully, the sun was shinning, the temperature was just right, the leaves are turning color, and I ARRIVED on campus.
I am starting to see signs that the battle is coming to an end. I feel like God disciplined me enough to help me stop bad behavior. I feel like my reality is coming into focus. Taylor is such a nurturing environment.
I am still struggling to commit to my studies. There are so many distractions. I am loving directing class even though I feel completely incapable. I am uncomfortable taking a make-up class, so I have skipped a few classes and missed assignments (not something I normally do.) I am succeeding at exercising! I have consistently walked 9 miles each day. I really have lots of energy, so I have more motivation to physically challenge myself.
Normally, transition is not a good experience for me. That is why I usually lose myself after a large event or right before a big event. However, the changing leaves are inspirational enough.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

All at Once

When it rains, it pours. Hospital visit, unable to perform in a show I care deeply for, unable to audition for a play I want to be in, WAY behind on my homework, car repairs, needed a new pair of sneakers, negative account balance, Senioritous, and many more.

Thank the Lord I get to be a part of an organization on campus that is talking about Middle Eastern culture.

Monday, September 18, 2017

Stop Yelling at the Bride

I attended a sermon yesterday and today. Both times I left angry. Church is not about yelling at the congregation. Church is a time of communion and celebration. I get so angry when people yell at me. I allow their venom to trick me into thinking there is something wrong with my relationship with God. But, I am reconciled to Him. I already stand in complete confidence. Perhaps others need to be convicted and reprimanded, but I get so selfish when I am in the presence of God. I want to celebrate the joy and peace He has given me..not be reminded of past failure or potential failure.

I often get angry when church leaders use Adam and Eve as a metaphor for the sinner's life. They don't own Adam and Eve. They don't know Adam and Eve personally. I care very little for the past sins, now that Jesus has ransomed us from separation. Why can't we commune with the Spirit. I suppose since my gift is not teaching, it feels wrong to me. Nevertheless, God calls me to love teachers of the law, so I gritted my teeth and listened to the message. Spent an entire day angry and separated from the body of Christ. It's annoying!

As far as my health is concerned. I am not in control right now. To overcome the fear that my illness might spike, I am avoiding stress and resting in one of my favorite places on campus.

Saturday, September 16, 2017

In The Will

You are never satisfied until you are in the perfect will of God. I've been tossed and turned over the past few months. However, today God just came through AGAIN. Yesterday, a Taylor University music professor had an adoption fundraiser. I wanted to support that effort and I simply wanted to attend the event with my friends. There was an admissions cost and I didn't have the funds for it. I vocalized my distress in one of my classes, and a kind brother in the faith offered me his money so I could attend. Obviously, while I was at the event I want to give so much more. I really do believe in adopting, and I feel convicted if I can't support outright.

In a good mood.

Now to homework!

Friday, September 15, 2017


I have peace that I shouldn't possess. My life is one big mess, but my soul is at rest. College is the least of my worries at the moment. My heart isn't at Taylor right now. Certainly, I still want to graduate. Certainly, I want to learn more about theatre, writing, my community, and faith. There are numerous opportunities to reach the community. Numerous opportunities to serve, but I don't have the capacity to give these people anything. For instance, a respected professor is having a fundraiser for an adoption. I don't have money to help, plus I would rather attend the wonder woman movie showing. If I go to the fundraiser, I will just be sorrowful for the millions of orphans in our world. I will be depressed that I have nothing to offer them, but my prayers and worship. 

Recently, the phrase "don't build your own kingdom" or "don't live for your own glory" have rung in my heart. I feel like most of my life looks like I seek my own glory. I fear I haven't reached out to others enough. I know this is a lie of Satan. I know he wants to present me as a withing fig tree, but I am not a fig tree. I am a person. A unique person designed for a specific purpose. This prunning process is hard because I feel so seperated from people I once loved. Maybe God just wants me in Gethseme for the moment, praying that His will be done. I don't really know if this is accurate. All I know is I want  love God for eternity and nothing else really matters.