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Thursday, July 06, 2017

Friends Who Heal Brokeness

I know about imprisonment. I have been in inpatient units where I couldn't get out and people couldn't get in. I know how broken people feel. I know that we all feel imprisoned. From our mother's wombs. We long to find freedom from dependence of others. However, God has called us to Himself and community. I often feel like I have abandoned my friends. Many of my friends decided to get married and have babies. This was very hard for me because I knew God hadn't called me to that lifestyle. I knew it would be confusing for my friends. I knew they wouldn't understand. I was the girl who always watched romance films. I was the girl who had secret crushes on boys at school. I was attractive to the opposite sex. Why on earth would I choose singleness? I'll be real honest. Admitting why I chose singleness isn't exactly an easy conversation. It hurts my feelings when I have to testify to why God has called me to remain single. It's simple. I fell in love with a guy who chose not to marry me. I tried other relationships, but they never satisfied me. I pretended to love those guys. I allowed them to minister to me and provide for me, but my heart always belonged to someone else. I wrestled with this for years. In my mind, I was over this man, but my emotions didn't agree. I would cry myself to sleep. I would try to rationalize what was happening to me. I told myself that I barely knew the guy. We only spent a semester together. How could I love someone I barely knew? It didn't make any rational sense to me. Why couldn't I just move on. Then I realized I didn't need to move on. I just needed to commit to singleness. I could let him go and live the life he chose. I could give him freedom to find the person who would make him happy. However, I needed to live single because I couldn't give my emotions to someone else. He was the one I loved. I had to admit it, then return to Jesus Christ.
I was luckily enough to meet Katie Lorentzon during this time. A wonderful friend who probably knew me better than anyone. She protected me. She was studying how to cure schizophrenia when she was at Evansville, which is exactly my diagnosis now. Without her love, support, friendship, and prayer, I wouldn't be the strong woman I am today. She knew that the prayer closet was my deliverance. I don't torture myself at night over a man anymore. Thanks to Katie, I am joyful.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Thinking About It

Well, another short visit in the hospital. Cornerstone this time. I've been to so many hospitals, it so hard to keep track. I don't remember everything that happened. I was talking about revival, apparently manic again. My friends called the ambulance, and the paramedics strapped me to a gurney and flew me to the hospital. I don't remember much after the doors closed. I woke up in a hospital room with three female attendants. I don't remember seeing a doctor. I know I was burning up. I had an IV in my right arm. Saw the blood. The attendants left me. While I was waiting, I pondered how God would use this for His glory. After sometime, I must have been brought to the Cornerstone's inpatient. I don't remember anything about the transition from the hospital. When I got to the hospital, I kind just wandered around waiting for revival. The rest of the story is still to come. I would love some prayer because the blank spots confuse me. One of the attendants told me I said, "I am Jesus". I don't remember doing that, but I guess I could understand why I said it. John 17 hints to something like that, but I suppose the situation scared alot of people, which was never my intention. When the psychiatrist asked me point blank, "Are you Jesus"? I said no. I suppose there are good answers and bad answers to that question.

Wednesday, June 07, 2017

God's Image

There are many Christians who oppose gay marriage because a heterosexual marriage is a symbol of Jesus and the church. I actually believe this as well. Marriage is a sacred covenant that is meant to represent the glory of God. Same sex marriage doesn't represent the kingdom of God; it distorts God's design. Politically, I believe that same sex marriages should be allowed. However, I don't believe Christians should engage in homosexuality or lesbianism.

However, I have been considering other forms of misrepresentations of God's image. Misrepresentations are not limited to same sex marriage. I have always been deeply repulsed when I hear about terrorist beheading Christians. In scripture, it states that Jesus is the head and the church is the body. Detaching a head from a body is another abomination.

Obviously, another example happens when a father abandons his children. God is a father who promises to be faithful...promising to never leave or forsake his children.When a human father leaves his children, he misrepresents God.

Another example is divorce not contingent on infidelity. God as a husband is not willing to divorce His people without cause. Divorce is another misrepresentation of God's glory. I have been thinking about this because it is not only relevant when considering LGTB communities; it has ramification for other realms as well.

Another, maybe not so obvious symbol, is the depiction of the New Jerusalem, which is described as the bride of Christ in revelation. In this symbol, the building is not defiled, not welcoming of anything unholy. Jesus is the light of the city. This very powerful symbol requires that God's church be a holy representative. Jesus is the light, so any Christian who doesn't allow Christ to enlighten their spirit is misrepresenting God's kingdom.

Tuesday, June 06, 2017

Submit to God


I had two God dreams this morning. I am not going to share their content, but I will admit I desperately needed the direction and comfort they offered me. In my current state, I am so troubled by the world's depravity. People do unimaginable and wicked things. Humanity is not looking very attractive at the moment. Nevertheless, God has sent His Son to exhibit mercy and grace. We all need God's forgiveness and extravagant love. No matter how ugly it looks, there is hope for us.

I often carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, but in reality I can't control much. God can give me influence and empowerment in some realms, but He alone is the one who will ultimately make wrong things right. I am probably not resisting the evil one if I feel depressed or overcome by the world's wretchedness. I am giving the enemy a foothold, when I wallow in the darkness. God never wants me to despair. He wants me to be a messenger of hope. The Lord is the one who will intervene when injustice thrives. His kingdom is advancing.

One part of my dream lead me to James 4. I heard an audible voice say, "Submit to Christ in every way." When I woke up, I immediately remembered the verse in James. I have been considering chapter 4 today, reflecting on what it all may mean. I strongly believe it is a chapter for my current state. There is so much conflict and quarreling in the world. It might be easy to speak up and judge the situation, but in ALL things I must submit to God. I must give my burdens to Him. He knows the pain and He comes to heal.

Sunday, June 04, 2017

To Praise His Glory

Found this sermon. So convicting and so true!