I will be transparent. I have not consistently attended church. In fact, it has been at least two months since my last church visit. This trend of tardiness began emerging after my last hospital visit. I experienced some trauma, which I discovered was connected to spiritual deception. Ever since that darkness, I have feared attending anything that is spiritually charged. I had the courage to attend some religious services, but often left before the meetings finished.
I appear to lose levelheadedness when I am in a community of faith. My thoughts run wild. My imagination escalates, sending me on a frantic grasping for an emotional high. I enter the meeting with good intentions. I want to answer God's call to commune with other believers. Unfortunately, I no longer have the capacity to hold myself together in these settings.
Thankfully, my personal times with God are never better. In my personal quiet times, I do not experience the fear and confusion that attack me in public. I feel more peace by myself. I know God is a God of peace and not confusion. I seem to only experience His true nature when I am by myself.
I know many would encourage me to attend church at least once a month. I will admit, I miss being surrounded by worshipers with the same heart and mind. I want to return, but I simply can't. It takes so much courage to walk through the church doors. If you are reading this, I would covet your prayers. I need wisdom and direction in this season.