Slim Slow

As I mentioned earlier my weight is bothering me. It is not that I am image obsessed. I really just like being healthy. Which brings me to the major no-no. I have been playing basketball almost every day now. I feel so great. But, I want to loose weight faster so I went an extra step. I bought two cartons of Slim-Fast. I just assumed that these shakes were full of healthy vitamins and valuable nutrients. For the past few days I have been drinking a shake in the morning, a shake for lunch, and finishing with a home cooked meal for supper. Well my health genius Rachel suggested that I look at the ingredients on the label. I was quite surprised to find that the majority of the ingredients are basically sugars. Completely unhealthy and horrible for me. I was so excited that I was sticking to the plan. It wasn't easy. Now I find I have been deluded by the Slim-Fast corporation. I have decided to actually stay with the diet until the shakes are gone. But, good grief it probably isn't the healthy thing to do!

Catching Up

I must apologize for two things. I haven't been my blogging self. I usually write on this thing everyday. Alas I have been busy. My second apology is for this long blog. I have plenty to report.

Sarah, Kunle, Ayo, and Ope- This darling crew came to our Desire More service. Oh it was so resplendent to see them. My days in Evansville were so influential. When I see friends that shared those times with me it always makes me reminiscent. They didn't inform me they were coming, so you can imagine my surprise when I saw a tall, familiar looking mother walking through the double doors. My lips stretched from ear to ear. Unfortunately I also had to work late that night. So I didn't get to really converse with them. But, seeing them was a true treat.

Part time IHOP- I am starting to realize what a commitment it is to establish oneself as a IHOP staff member. When the day gets busy it is tempting to treat my required hours as optional. I must admit my dedication has been challenged. But when I make it to the prayer room I always meet God in such powerful ways. I am glad I decided to make this a integral part of my life. God is the desire of the nations and the only true pursuit worth giving your heart, soul, mind, and strength.

Expelled- I watched the documentary called Expelled last night with Hillside. I suggest everyone watch it. Basically it is a documentary on how the scientific community is trying to limit freedom by silencing the research and discussion of intelligent design. I was especially moved by this piece for two reasons. One I too have felt the blow of suppression. At the University of Evansville my writing was heavily criticized for having a spiritual slant. One professor even said my writing wouldn't be as publishable because of the religious bias. Another professor suggested I try a different angle and not pursue spiritual papers. I was heavily fought at every angle. Any religious paper I wrote never received higher than a C. Of course if I wrote about other topics I would get a B or higher. I also felt moved by this piece because I see the correlation to Hitler. The extinguishing of the Jews was a slow process of suppression, false ideas, and propaganda. It is very similar to the the suppression that we now see in our school systems. Jenny Hayes, if you are reading I think you would like this film. You being a Christian and a Biology teacher. I would love to hear you insights. Here is the website.

Finding My Joy- I have been praying for joy for about a year now. I am starting to see the effects. The spring weather most assuredly helps. Winter always brings me down. But, at this present time most of my days are productive and full of life. Some of this joy must be correlated to Hannah Beane. God knew I needed a good friend with a optimistic outlook on life. She is a gift from God.

Another God Dream- I am astounded but I had another long, download of God in my dream last night. Some of the themes were similar to the earlier one. But there was new stuff relating to spiritual warfare. Part of it was encouraging my heart for the Jewish race. Another reminded me of a dream God placed in my heart about becoming a writer. Mostly it just reaffirmed that God is all powerful, all together desirable, and worth every bit of pain on this earth. Honestly not till recently have I had such long dreams. I have always been a heavy dreamer. God often speaks to me in this form. But, I don't normally dream for long periods of time. This dream felt like it lasted 15 minutes. I really am starting to believe that God's return is soon. These dreams are so vivid and extreme. He is trying to prepare His bride. I am starting to study the end times again. I just have a feeling that I may be caught unawares. The culture is seeping into the faith. Other faiths are becoming more outspoken and vulgar toward Christians. I think we need to face the facts. The world will hate us.

Idolatry

Well I have gone through different emotions. I almost cried and now I am angry. There is a word that haunts Christian circles. The word is opinion. In this confusing world I am either sitting on my butt or changing heaven and earth. I am either speaking in a supernatural language or I am deluding myself. I am radical for Christ or I am in a cult. There are so many concepts on God and it is making my heart ache. I desperately want to know God. I don't want an opinion on who God is. I don't want man's concept of who this beautiful God is. I want to know Him. The knowledge of God is so skewed and blurry in today society. We just accept that everyone has their own version of God and that is the American way. Well, to give it a better term it is idolatry. I am so frustrated.

My Bed is Shaking

I was in my bed. I woke up and the bed was shaking rather violently. I was pretty sure I wasn't dreaming. It stopped and I fell back asleep. I forgot about the incident until Rachel informed me that there was an earthquake. I was glad to hear it. I was sure I wasn't dreaming so that explained the shaking. I have always wanted to experience something like that. It was so awesome to feel the earth move. How powerful and unexpected. Jesus is coming soon!

Spring!! Basketball!!!

I have been eagerly awaiting Spring. I can play basketball outside now. I played for 2 hours today. I can play that game and the time just flies by. I went to Dick's Sporting Good store and found my basketball. Then I found an empty court. I plan on playing everyday if the weather allows it. I plan to loose the extra weight I put on this past month. It felt so good bouncing the ball on the pavement and watching it swoosh. I miss the game. I don't get to play often during the winter. Yeah!!! Spring is here!

No One Would Understand

Have you ever had an experience that you can't share with anyone? You can't share it because you are convienced that no one would understand. Last night something occured that I know I will never be able to convey to anyone. Lonliness has tried to capture me. It is almost eerie experiencing something and not being able to share it. You feel so isolated. I would like to think that there is a kindred spirit out there that would be able to experience this with me. But, honestly not a name comes to mind. No one would understand.

Sitting On Your Butt

I will proceed carefully. I am aware that the person who gave this sermon might read this blog. Maybe a friend of his will read it and make him aware of my disgruntled attitude. I will try to keep the unity of the spirit and not offend my brother. Yet, I still feel compelled to comment on his remarks. He was challenging the young adults to be committed and active. This I full heartily agree with him on. Most young adults fear the word commitment and prefer to live lives of a spectator. But, the issue I must disagree on is his concept of prayer. He told us that we pray plenty, but then we don't do anything to change the situation. He said we sit on our butts and expect God to do something. Why didn't he just say he doesn't believe in the power of prayer. Let me argue that praying is in fact doing something about the situation! Tongues is in fact a gift of the church. Prayer even ushers in the prophetic which is the highest gift. Prayer is a ministry and is an action. Also I think waiting on God to do something is not something to be displeased with. I must confess a majority of our programs are run by man and not at all anointed by the spirit. Prayer is a MINISTRY. Prayer is not sitting on your butt. True intercessors use strength, heart, and passion and see the kingdom appear. Every revival ever recorded was birth through prayer. I was not convinced of the power of prayer until I did a study on the verse, "Not by might or by power, but by my Spirit says the Lord." That my friends convinced me that waiting on God and seeking Him is to be foremost in our endeavors.

Marriage

Today I found myself in another discussion about marriage. A dear friend of mine, who is almost 30, was eagerly hoping to meet her significant other. Like all such discussion a married person warned her about the trails of marriage. They advised her to embrace her singleness and use her freedom to serve God wholeheartedly. As I saw my friend's eyes sparkle as she thought of the eventual revealing of this soul mate I found myself perplexed. It has been so long since I ever had those girlish notions. I use to be extremely preoccupied with how I would meet my future husband. I use to plan my wedding. What colors would I use, what songs would I use, and other such foolishness. I did at one time think on such frivolities a great deal. I use to have hope to meet some elegant man and fall desperately in love. But, now I don't remember what it feels like to hope for such a love. I am extremely irritated by the opposite sex. Oh I don't mind them as brothers, but the minute I have an inkling that they have romantic thoughts toward me I coil up and avoid them. I don't want to marry. I don't even want to fall in love. I can't remember what it feels like to desire such an event. It is beyond me.

Forgiveness

There is a phrase that often is preached in your everyday service. "You haven't gone too far to escape God's forgiveness and mercy." It is the Christian message is it not? No sinner is beyond God's grasp and our ugliness doesn't have the power to separate us from the love of Christ. A phrase easily accepted until you commit a horrible sin. I have been soul searching the past few months. As I spend time in reflection I find myself utterly grieved. I have committed sins that I thought I would never commit. As I reflect on those occurrences I can't seem to forgive myself. Stubbornly, I even argue that God need not worry Himself about forgiving me either. Now I try to do the religious duty of accepting God's forgiveness. But, secretly I believe that God sees me differently. Our relationship will never be as it once was. I have a deep wound in my heart. It aches and seldom subsides. I try to understand how I could ever come to the place of committing such a sin. It was never a desire of mine to be so rebellious. Even at the time of the sin I had no joy in it. Still I continued on. There is a darkness to my past that disrupts any current light that tries to shine. I want to feel the beauty of feeling freed from sin, but in my current circumstance I have no ability to do so. I am so frustrated with the whole experience! I want to move on, but I still love to hold on to my own self righteousness. Now that my past is tainted I can no longer depend on my works to save me. I know God has deviously used this experience. I am learning much about grace and forgiveness. But, it doesn't make the hurt any less painful and the shame any less weary.

Ray

I tried to fight it. I tried to posture my heart to receive, but a prevailing anger, resentment, and bitter taste in my mouth stopped me from being successful. Today our pastor revealed that a man named Ray has been calling up churches saying this phrase. "I bet you are a church who has a form of godliness, but deny its power. I bet you can't even cast the demons out of me." Let me say that Ray may have a better spiritual discernment than most of the church body. We are so easily doped into preaching about God's power, falling as if slain by the Spirit, and speaking boldly but actually we are frail, powerless, and selfish. We had our "baptism of the holy ghost" sermon today. I think I have it memorized. We have one every year and sometimes more than once a year. A time where a lot of hoopla happens, but I profess not much spiritual revival. Just two Sundays ago I was escorting my mom out of the church because the organized church didn't know what to do with her. She was disrupting the service. No power to heal her so we better quietly boot her out of the church. I hear my heart and I know my bitterness doesn't make the problem go away. But, someone has to dismantle the hype of fake spirituality. I was so heartbroken during the service. I just felt as if this revival I have been praying for is never going to come. We are to busy faking it. The church is too selfish. They want all the prestige and pomp of a successful church, but they don't want the sweat, tears, and repentance that goes with it. Right now I am utterly sick of the modern day, American church. I am so angry I don't know what to do with myself. I know that part of this feeling I must repent of and give grace. But, I think part of my displeasure is God given. I want to meet Ray. We would have a lot in common.

Jesus Dating Service

There is an action that I find offensive and utterly deplorable. Attending church or church activities as a means to attain a relationship with someone of the opposite sex. I have seen this trend become more popular. It is so childish and infuriating. You know it occurs when a man doesn't come to a function until he is dating a lady that attends often. You know it occurs when a girl goes out of her way to look more attractive on Sunday. I find this action sickening and I have little grace for those whose participate in such actions. God should be the soul reason to attend a religious event. Right now I admit I am rather disgusted and temperamental.

I am a Complete Heathen

So in a post awhile back I unveiled that I do not understand the cross. I will in this post display the reasons why. I realize my confession paints me a heathen. But, I can't deny my struggle. I have been a supporter of the gospel since I was very young. Surely I should have grasped the concept of the cross by now.....uh not so much.

1. How could God the Father whose love for the Son is boundless and supernatural bring Himself to brutally kill His beloved Son?
In Isaiah 53 some disturbing words present themselves. "It was the Lord's will to crush Him." That phrase has haunted me longer than I care to admit. What motivation could possibly move the Father to brutally kill His beloved Son? What depth of insight and wisdom could ever come to the conclusion that sacrifice was the plan of salvation? We have Jesus the only begotten of the Father. The perfect representation of love, beauty, and divinity. How could one ever come to the conclusion that His death would be at all pleasing? God's love is indescribable. His love for His Son is boundless. How could this love ever move the Father to sacrifice His Son? I admit I am perplexed. I guess I can see how Jesus's willingness to die would be a reason for God to love Him. Jesus example of obedience would move any heart. Still why would the Father demand such obedience? I realize I am wretched for asking such questions. But, I must know!!! I must deal with the sickness of my soul and find wisdom in the midst of sorrow.

2. We aren't worth it!!!
Rom 5:6-86 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7 Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. 8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
I think out of all my confusion this is the most heated! We are not worth the precious blood of Christ. Honestly, not a single soul on the earth is worth the shed blood of Christ. I come to this conclusion out of hidden pride. I want to say that the world is deserving of such love. But, in fact we are sinners. We are prone to mocking our God, ignoring His law, and constantly rebelling. I have become more aware of this truth in recent month. My own behavior has been extremely rebellious and ugly. Most assuredly I want to serve God, but I fail in many ways. Jesus has no cause to die. I say this because there is truly no rational reason why the most precious human ever to walk the earth should have to face such torture. Especially on account of human beings who take the sacrifice for granted.

3. The cross as a catch phrase
I will dare to say that many people use the cross as a cheap hallmark invitation. There is no revelation, no insight, no true unveiling of the need for such love. The cross has become dull by our use of it. I dare to say that people use the cross as an invitation to sinners without truly rationalizing the weight of it. We wear the cross as a fashion statement in the form of a necklace never realizing what that action professes. We aren't broken enough.


I guess I am embittered that my Husband had to die. And that my friends is the truth of it. He is cheapened by our words, our actions, and our mindsets. And for this utter display of wretchedness and apathy He dies a brutal death. But, unfortunately for the me the revelation that we are not worth it still doesn't ease the pain of His passing. It is beyond me and I can't grasp it. It is so easy for me to chant the Christian mantra, but oh so much harder to comprehend it. I honestly do not have the insight or the heavenly wisdom to rationalize such an occurrence. And to tell you the truth I shutter to even ask for it. Do I really want to know what the Father's emotions were on that day? Do I dare step into that realm of mystery? Do I even in my holy fear realize how much my trembling is subdued and worthless? I can't attain such a wisdom for I fear to. My fragile heart doesn't want to know.

Dream to the Rescue

I had a chicken sandwich from Wendy's. I don't think it was cooked properly. I spent the night praying to the porcelain God. I threw up a total of 6 times. I couldn't even keep water down. About 4:30am I woke up from a dream. In the dream I was extremely thirsty. I would drink water, but it never quenched the extreme thirst. Then I drank lemonade and that satisfied my thirst. I woke up and just thought I would give it a try. So I went downstairs and had a tall glass of lemonade. This was brave of me because I had three glasses of water that didn't stay down. I really didn't want to throw up again. Strange enough, it worked! My stomach settled and I slept the rest of the night without incident.