Sunday, April 06, 2008
There is a phrase that often is preached in your everyday service. "You haven't gone too far to escape God's forgiveness and mercy." It is the Christian message is it not? No sinner is beyond God's grasp and our ugliness doesn't have the power to separate us from the love of Christ. A phrase easily accepted until you commit a horrible sin. I have been soul searching the past few months. As I spend time in reflection I find myself utterly grieved. I have committed sins that I thought I would never commit. As I reflect on those occurrences I can't seem to forgive myself. Stubbornly, I even argue that God need not worry Himself about forgiving me either. Now I try to do the religious duty of accepting God's forgiveness. But, secretly I believe that God sees me differently. Our relationship will never be as it once was. I have a deep wound in my heart. It aches and seldom subsides. I try to understand how I could ever come to the place of committing such a sin. It was never a desire of mine to be so rebellious. Even at the time of the sin I had no joy in it. Still I continued on. There is a darkness to my past that disrupts any current light that tries to shine. I want to feel the beauty of feeling freed from sin, but in my current circumstance I have no ability to do so. I am so frustrated with the whole experience! I want to move on, but I still love to hold on to my own self righteousness. Now that my past is tainted I can no longer depend on my works to save me. I know God has deviously used this experience. I am learning much about grace and forgiveness. But, it doesn't make the hurt any less painful and the shame any less weary.