How God Sees Me

For a long time, I wrestled with my identity. I was extremely popular with the boys in elementary school. One boy gave me 50 valentines and a box of red hearts. I will never forget that day because the gesture was so extravagant. However, like most girls at that age, I had really no concept of what it meant to be in a relationship. The gift probably alienated some of my best girl friends. They didn't like being ignored. I continued to be an attraction to my classmates. I even held a wedding on the playground. My last "boyfriend" officiated the service to my new "boyfriend". I look back and am filled with laughter. I was such a clueless kid. Apparently, the boy I was "marrying" was technically dating another one of my friends without my knowledge. My generation grew up on Disney, which loved to tell all women that they were princesses and needed to find a prince. We were so young and innocent. We were just emulating what TV was teaching us. Honestly, I spent more time with my girl friends playing Barbie dolls, various sports, gymnastics, and girl scouts. I wasn't as interested in the boys as they were interested in me.
When I entered middle school, my world dramatically changed. My political self started to emerge. I took my dad's instructions seriously. I started to hold values. Values that my friends didn't share. It didn't help that my home life began to be exposed. I have a mother who is prone to outburst. She was taken to the hospital forcefully a few times. Since most of my friends were neighbors, they witnessed her outbursts. I would invite my friends over for sleep overs. I couldn't convince my mother to calm herself, so my friends were often threatened by her words. I lived with it all the time, so I knew she would never hurt me. However, it probably scared most of my friends. Middle school was not easy. The only thing that helped me cope was basketball. I could run faster than my friends. I was more dedicated to impressing my couch. I spent hours after school shooting baskets. I was also in show choir. I appeared to excel in that as well. At the time, I wasn't intentionally trying to gain accolades. I just needed respite from the hardships of family life.
I was taken away from my friends and family for a period of time. The community was intervening because they feared for my safety and health. Honestly, that separation was the hardest time in my childhood. I didn't mind being taken from school because most of the people bullied me. Still, I didn't like being taken from my mom and dad. The rumors were untrue. Yes, my mother was ill, but she was still a good mother. My father probably needed the extra help, but being separated from him was too traumatic for me.
Again, I was wrestling with my identity because I didn't have many friends. I started wondering if there was something wrong with me. When I entered high school, my freshman year was intimidating, but it also felt like a new adventure. I love adventure, so I was up for the challenge. I don't remember much about the freshman year. I remember having my own locker. I was terrified that I would forget the combination, so I obsessively checked the number. I didn't want to be bullied about being a freshman. Thankfully, high school was more freeing for me because I found more friends. Unfortunately, I was also a loud mouth. I debated and preached the whole class period, which prevented the teachers from teaching. I fed off praise and good grades. I had lost my identity in pursuit of acceptance. I didn't make the basketball team, so a part of me died. I turned to acting and show choir. My teachers encouraged me in this goal; however, I never felt accepted by my fellow cast members. I was committed to being a good actress and singer, so I often failed to create deep and lasting relationships. My competitive spirit drove people away. (Of course, I didn't do this intentionally.) I had surfaced relationships with my fellow show choir members. I cared for them, but never felt loved in return. I was blessed enough to make friends with two committed friends: Jenny and Melissa. They pursued me. I wouldn't want to talk on the phone, but they would call me anyway. I didn't want to go out, but they would insist. I would spend all day with Jenny, talking about anything she needed to talk about. I would go shopping with Melissa even though I don't like shopping. I would give them advice on relationships (often not good advice). These two friends pursued me. This is when I began to find my childhood joy. I was still broken, confused, and suffering from rejection. However, I had people to pull me out of the pit and into the light.
College came next. I attended the University of Evansville. Looking back, I didn't take the proper steps to find the perfect college for me. I went to Evansville because they gave me the best scholarship and because my acting director suggested it. I had to audition for the theatre program, and I didn't properly prepare. I forgot my lines and chose the wrong material. I got a rejection letter and my heart sank. I still attended, seeking a degree in Creative Writing. My dad still says, "I should have never let you go there." I didn't even realize my dad was apprehensive of me attending UE. His main concern was the distance and the liberal mindsets. 
I was a lazy, but busy student. I didn't read the material and rarely did my homework. During high school, my academic achievement pushed me forward. College offered too many social distractions, so my academics fell by the wayside. Despite this misdirection, college helped me find my identity, something I desperately craved. My college friends didn't necessarily agree with my ideas or my true self, but they gave me the freedom to express it. My true identity was found in Christ. I often had to hide my faith, so as not to offend others. While at college, I found time and motivation to worship  and pray. This is when I came alive. I had always enjoyed church. Most of my counter parts just endured through it. Not me. I loved religion. The new found freedom was too attractive to resist. I loved Jesus and I chased Him like a maniac. Literally. I was taken to a mental hospital and chose to withdraw from college. I would miss my friends and my freedom, but God was protecting me.
Melissa and Jenny were attending Ball State at the time. They encouraged me to attend as well. Again I was reluctant. I didn't feel like myself at Ball State. It was a nice enough school, but it felt so foreign. The Christian community felt dead. I think they were probably just exhausted from the secular worldview. They must have felt so intimidated, ignored, and battered. I left that college pretty soon after September 11th. College felt pointless. I withdrew, much to the dismay of my dorm assistant.
By this time, I realized that my calling was spiritual. I needed to surround myself with spiritual things. I served at a nursing home. This taught me discipline and trust. I started attending my current church, First Assembly of God. I again found a community dedicated to God and His call. I could be my crazy, praying self. I joined IHOPFW, a local prayer group. I found passion and learned about God's jealousy, thanks to Ben, Josh, Danny, and Rachel. I had never heard Jesus's love song over me. They taught me about God's unconditional love. They taught me about His warrior Spirit and His everlasting promises. As they meditated on the word, I learned confidence and gained an unshakable faith. This is by far, the happiest moments of my life. Those moments are sealed on my heart forever. I discovered myself during those few years.
I started to date a guy, which was a huge mistake. I knew I wasn't suppose to date him, but I was 25. I had so little experience with serious relationships, so I decided to attempt it. It was helpful for awhile. It made me learn how to interact with people who I don't necessarily agree with. I didn't share my boyfriend's view of the world. He was questioning his faith and wrestling with his identity. I like to think I nursed him through it. We eventually parted ways, but I still respect his bravery. It isn't easy to pursue a girl who is adamant she is not interested in a relationship. Not long after that relationship, my connection with First Assembly started to wane. I didn't feel connected to my friends and my leaders felt distant. IHOPFW experienced a blow. The leadership separated. It wasn't an ugly breakup. It just hurt my heart. I was struggling again with alienation.
I decided to focus my heart again. I registered for Taylor University Fort Wayne. I went part time and my love for theatre and writing rekindled. I was starting to feel hope again! After the first semester, the President announced that Taylor Fort Wayne was closing. A heartfelt blow. To my surprise, I would be forced again to decide if I would be attending college or giving up on graduating. Just to be clear, I continued to wrestle with mental health issues that often prevented me from graduating in the traditional 4 years. I constantly had to face the question: "is graduating really that important". Taylor University in Upland welcomed me the next year. My friend Sara, who I met at Evansville, lived near to the campus. I felt like everything was falling into place again. And it was. Since joining Taylor Upland, I have been on the journey of my adult life. It has been filled with heartache, joy, stress, hope, excitement, and purpose. I am majoring in Theatre, the call of my life. I am learning how theatre is more than just performance. It can be used to build confidence in teens, help kindergartners learn how to socialize, help homeless people tell their stories, bring joy to prisoners, and mend broken relationships.
To  be perfectly honest, this adventure has cost me. More than I ever expected. I am in debt to my ears, but I knew God was convinced that this mountain needed to be conquered. My identity needed to be found and celebrated. He knew who He destined me to be. He knew the desires of my heart, and He alone granted my freedom. If you ask, "how did you succeed?" I will give you a simple answer: worship. If I didn't have the freedom to worship, I would have failed long ago. Worship is the foundation of my soul. Knowing that God is worthy of everything. Knowing that He is far better than I could ever imagine. Knowing that He welcomes me without condition. He loves my songs. He loves my voice. He wants to hear His people sing to Him for eternity. I was taught this as a young child, increased at UE, it was confirmed at Ball State, it was ignited at First Assembly, and it was nurtured at Taylor University. I have one more year to go. It will be a struggle because I have a full load. Once I graduate, I will have an added confidence to encourage young worship leaders to find confidence and perseverance. Churches are gaining members because worshiping God is refreshing and renewing. I am so thankful to IHOPKC and BETHEL for helping me see the Father's heart. God has answered my prayers...His prayers. John 17 is a life verse for me, and I know Jesus is answering this prayer. I see it all around me. The testimony of God is true. He will save His bride from the enemy. He will renew her strength. He will gather His elect and the whole world will know.