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Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Can't Sing



This is the time of the year when fear loves to haunt my steps. I usually get ill around January. I am battling this fear each day. I carry the weight of shame over my illness. Even though I know I have little control over my health, I still blame myself. Guilt and fear try to rob my joy. I am thankful for Bethel. That church produces such healing melodies. When I feel I can't continue, I take a breath and spend some time listening to their songs. They worship with all their hearts, which is pleasing.
I watch them and wonder how my life would be different, if I weren't ill. I have this idea that I would be a worship leader. It breaks my heart that I had to step away from the worship ministry because of my health. You can't have a mentally ill person lead worship. I accept this now, but I still miss worshiping with all my heart in a corporate setting.
I listen to Bethel worship leaders, and for a moment, that which was lost is restored. I feel peace and acceptance. In a way, Bethel is an answer to my prayers. God's lullaby  destroys the fear and guilt. When the music fades, I remember that God is for me, with song and without song. 

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