Heartache

Last night I had a dream, which displays my current heartache. In the dream, I didn’t see anything except blackness. However, I was aware of my emotions. I was in emotional turmoil. I felt an intense loneliness because I needed the Lord’s presence. The longing for Him increased in the dream. As I felt this longing for His presence, I felt my physical heart tighten and ache. It felt like a heart attack. I heard the Lord’s voice. “Tamara, your inner longing for me is killing your physical body.” I woke up.

Have you ever experienced a broken heart? After you lost that love, did it cripple your participation in life? Did you fall into a depression that threatened your health?

I am heartbroken. I feel a constant grief. When I sing worship songs, the pain only increases. I feel empty without His hug. I feel depressed without His laugh. The life I live is dark and meaningless without Him.

I know this sadness isn’t healthy. It is a weight that I shouldn’t carry. It is a heaviness that halts my breathing. I realize that my desire for God is out of balance. My ache for His physcial return is stronger than my awareness of His close Spirit. I am mourning inside, and it may be killing me.

And Jesus said to them, "Can the wedding guests mourn as long as the bridegroom is with them? The days will come when the bridegroom is taken away from them, and then they will fast. Matthew 9:15