The past few months were spiritually dark, dark and mysterious. I lived through a traumatic event, an event that was death. Not a metaphorical death, a real ending. It has left me not as I was before. Those holy and righteous things I pursued, I no longer pursue. I fear the consequences of that "one thing" spoken of in Psalms 27:4. If I seek Your face, I will die.
A verse from Jeremiah:
“I did not sit in the company of revelers, nor did I rejoice; I sat alone, because your hand was upon me, for you had filled me with indignation. Why is my pain unceasing, my wound incurable, refusing to be healed? Will you be to me like a deceitful brook, like waters that fail?”
I can’t commune with God or His people as before. Something dramatic has taken place, and I am left reeling from it. No one knows my dark night. No one has shared this pit with me. No one fears hell like I do, as it mocks me and torments my mind. Oh Spirit of God, You alone know my sorrow.
I don’t know why there is no healing for me. I read Jeremiah and Lamentations. This is where I find the God I know. I hear Christian sermons about a loving God and a peaceful God. I believe He loves, but not in the way these shepherds are describing. I believe He gives peace, but not as the world gives. (John 14:27).
His love is a fervent, adamant, all consuming, dangerous, fierce fire. His peace is not a worldly convenience; instead it is a shock of reverence and fear, making all silent. He is jealous and burning with righteous indignation. I attempt to come before Him as a child, but due to the past battle, I am dressed as a blinded warrior. I love Him, but He is not the same God. His name is still Jesus, salvation. However, when I sought His face, I encountered a destroying fire.
Be with me Lord, during this trial. Don't let me go down to the pit. Restore the joy of my salvation. Redeem what the enemy has stolen.