I Slept

"I slept but my heart was awake." Song of Solomon 5:2

This phrase is a perfect description of my current spiritual unrest. In my heart, I acknowledge that God is worthy of all my time, affections, and attention. I know His love is a river that will never run dry. God's goodness knows no limits. My heart is alive...
...but my flesh is weak. I am weary with striving.

I have sought the Lord in various settings: in the middle of the night, at the break of dawn, when my heart was failing, when my spirit was alive, when I had others to run with me, and when I was alone. These efforts feel like vanity. God has blessed me beyond what I deserve, but I have a continuous ache that rages within me. I long for more; I long for the fullness. Anything less is a punishment and a torment.

In my childishness, I assume: if I am God's beloved and favorite, surely He would have answered my groaning by now. He would have returned. Maybe He doesn't hear my cry.  I know I am ungrateful. I know God's timing is perfect. I will rest, but my heart is still aflame. My desperation for God continues to grow. This desire is insatiable. It is the joy of being lovesick.