Empowered Fasting

I would often ridicule myself because I wasn't able to sustain a fasted lifestyle. I would convince myself that today was the day I would go without food. I wanted to prove to God that I could deny my stomach's appetite for one day. I would often fail. There have been a few days when I struggled through and successfully denied myself food for a day. However, I did this begrudgingly.

Laurie Atz, our young adult's pastor, gave me some advice. She said (paraphrased) "Don't try to prove anything to God. He will empower you. When God calls you to fast, He will give you the grace and the ability." Laurie is a disciplined faster, and I have always looked up to her.

I had deceived myself into thinking that a "true" fast was a complete denial of all food. This is simply not true. If you fast meats for a week, it is still a fast. I should have known this instinctively. After all, there are many fasts (like the Daniel fast) that allow certain foods to be consumed. Unfortunately, I had this mindset that radical fasting meant a complete denial of all foods. This isn't true, and I am glad I now realize this. I want to encourage others who have been struggling. Start small.

Don't feel like you have to abstain from all food. Simply giving up that coffee you are accustomed to having each morning. Little steps will empower you to eventually tackle the 40 day fast in the future. God has a fast designed for you specifically. He will show you in His time, and He will empower you to accomplish it.

My Answer

I finally received clear direction! In regards to school, the International House of Prayer, where I will be living, and much more. The answer was clear and I have complete confidence in my next step!
What is my decision? What is my next step? WAIT! REST! I have been weighed down by all these decisions. I have pressured myself to make decisions swiftly. After today's service, I realize God wants me to be still and know He is God. The doors will open and His voice will be heard. But, I will never hear it if I am stressed and not seeking. I am ready for my Sabbatical from the cares of this life. Those who wait on the Lord will...well you know the verse! (Isaiah 40:31)

Writing Pursuits

Our Fort Wayne Civic Theater is having a play writing contest. The deadline for submissions is September 1, 2009. I have been working on a play, and plan to submit it. I have no expectations, but I am aware that if it is accepted, it will be performed on stage. This would mean a great deal to me. I have been working hard to perfect it, and I am somewhat happy with the results. An author is never without scrutiny. I will have it proofed by my writing professor. This is my first attempt at writing a full length play. If it isn't accepted, I will simply learn from the rejection. I must get used to rejection in this business.
Another writing project has paid off. I did an interview with my mother. I addressed how mental illness affects the family. A newspaper, called Senior Life, may be publishing it. This means a great deal to me. I have always known that God wanted to use my illness and my mother's illness for His glory. I plan to write plenty about my struggles with mental illness, and I plan to crush Satan under my feet in the process.

Keep my writing ventures in your prayers!

Blessed Assurance

Lately, I have struggled with my confidence before the Lord. I have questioned the authenticity of my salvation. I can not judge if this fear is a result of false condemnation or an accurate assessment of my current condition.

When I meditate on the Bible, I feel conviction and unworthiness. The standards of our faith are holy and pure. My weak vessel is neither holy nor pure. God demands our devotion, and I falter more than I care to admit.

Most Christian believe that if a person places faith in Christ, they are automatically assured a position in His kingdom. I would negate such a statement because the Bible speaks of a "form of godliness" with no power. Many people will be deceived in the last days. If we are too assured of our salvation, we fall into sloppy grace.

I can't decipher if my fear is a needful reverence or an oppression. There are moments I begin to weep because I am convinced I am not going to heaven. Most of my friend would argue that such thoughts are foolish. Still, these "foolish thoughts" are real to me. I feel my soul crying out for salvation and refuge; rarely does my soul feel confident before God.

There is probably a balance to all this. All believers need to fear hell at all times, but a believer must also rest in God's ability to save. Even though I know this, I also know I have not mastered an ability to rest. I constantly think I have stepped outside the bounds of God's grace.

1 John 3:18-22
"My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth. And hereby we know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before him. For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things. Beloved, if our heart condemn us not, then have we confidence toward God. And whatsoever we ask, we receive of him, because we keep his commandments, and do those things that are pleasing in his sight."

Not a Mother, Still a Woman

I am writing out of insecurity, therefore do not be offended by any abrasiveness. Only forgive and try to understand.

I am now at the age when most of my friends are married with kids. I am blessed to see these friends mature into Godly families. I love to witness the sacrifice that parents make to raise their children. A majority of my close friends have the ambition to raise many children. I applaud this! The calling of a mother or a father is a worthy profession.

However, child rearing is not my calling. I have no desire to have children of my own. I think God has gifted me in certain areas, but caring for a child is not one of them. I have aspirations outside of rearing children, and these particular aspirations would be hindered if I had a family.

Even though I have made it clear that I am not the motherly type, Christians still try to fit me into that mold. I unashamedly admit I am horrible with children. I do not think it is my biblical duty to become a mother in any form. I think the Bible allows certain women to abstain from child rearing.

Tragically, the current church expects all woman to be mothers or at least motherly. Therefore, the tendency is for young Christian woman to gravitate to the youngsters. A woman will become a Sunday school teacher or help out in the nursery. When a child comes in the room, women swarm with oo's and awe's, or fight over who will hold the child next. The women who avoid these ministries are assumed to be a lepers.

I love children. I have that built in nurture mechanism just like all women. But, I also have the understanding that I am no less of a woman because I choose not to rear children. I readily bless woman whose main profession is mother. But I also readily understand women who shy away from this profession. To each her own

Posture Before God

There are many postures that a believer takes before their God. Kneeling, for example, is popular among Catholics. There is the bowing of our heads with folded hands. This posture is popular with the kiddos because of the famous lyrics, "Open, shut them, open shut them, put them in your lap!" I often take the posture of staring up toward the heavens. I often see the sky or a ceiling, but this posture helps to remind me that God is highly exalted.
Each of these positions are acceptable. Kneeling is a posture shared by the present day church, and the prayer warrior Daniel of the Old Testament. Children who learn to bow their heads will learn humility and reference. When I gaze to the heavens, I feel a deep longing to be reunited with Christ. However, I have found a new posture that is currently intriguing me.
This posture is, for lack of a better term, the posture of focusing on my inner man. When you kneel, you show surrender. When you bow your head, you show reverence. When you look to the heavens, you feel wonder. When you look toward the Spirit residing inside your weak frame, you feel power and experience sweet communion.
We are often told, as Christians, that the Holy Spirit dwells inside of us. I have often considered this an ethereal statement. I have never grappled with the idea that God, in all His majesty, takes up residence within my very flesh. This is hard to believe because I live with myself through the mundane and the ugly. However, this statement is still a fact. God's Spirit is residing within me and you!
Therefore, this new posture is welcomed. I don't have to strain to look towards heaven. God is within her. (Psalm 46:1-5) I fellowship with the Spirit who sustains me. I can stir Him, and I can acknowledge Him. God has chosen to take on flesh, and He has chosen to encase His Spirit in our mortal bodies. A jar of clay with a deep treasure.
Try it. Look at your hands. There is a Spirit running through your very fingers! Put your hand on your stomach. God is stirring Himself within you to give birth to new things. I know it might sound odd or even look odd, but when you begin to experience His groaning and longings, which reside in you, the strangeness will become addictive.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."
2 Corinthians 4:7

The Voice of Truth

I am learning that the Lord remains calm in all situations. I am prone to worry and fret; however, Father God begs me to rest and trust. I am in the process of making some big decisions, so remaining calm has been a little harder as of late.

I know that I haven't heard clearly enough to make these decisions. I have spoken to friends, and have only become more bewildered and confused. My Christian council doesn't feel very secure at this moment. My friends are sending me mixed messages. Some of my friends strongly support my decision to continue college. Other friends think I should not attend Taylor Upland, and focus on my prayer life. The underlining confusion is amplified by past wounds.

When I attended the University of Evansville I began to skip class because I had an urgency to pray. I would find myself in power encounters with the Lord, and going to a boring class seemed foolish. I have grappled with what is a healthy prayer life, and what is an unhealthy, obsessive prayer life.

Some people in Evansville questioned and criticized my desire to spend excessive amounts of time in prayer. They warned me it wasn't healthy. IHOP Fort Wayne restored what I felt I had lost, a freedom to chase God and a freedom to be a Mary. Now I am faced with that decision again. Do I sacrifice alone time with the Lord to study and improve my writing ability? God what are you saying!!!??

Under all the confusion, I trust that God is holding me. Still, the pressure to make the right decisions still loom in my mind. In all this, I realize that God is less concerned about my degree or where I decide to live. He is more concerned about strengthening my trust in Him. He wants to me to lean on Him even when my path is somewhat dark.

Letting Go and Grief

I admire Abraham for his obedience in the face of possible tragedy. Offering his son up for sacrifice was an act of pure commitment to his God. However, I believe I may have misjudged Abraham’s emotions during this act. I assumed Abraham was resolute; now I think he may have struggled.

Even in the midst of commitment, Abraham grieved. His heart was obedient, but in the same moment his heart was disturbed and broken. I can see his hand shaking as he raised the knife only a few inches from his son’s heart. Faithfully, God sent the angel and preserved Isaac’s life.

As I reminisce over seasons in my life, I realize I haven’t properly grieved. I convinced myself that grieving over loss was an act of defiance. As I left people and places I loved, I told myself it was my spiritual duty to accept it without despair. I thought true sacrifice was full abandonment without despair. Now, I think despair comes along with sacrifice.

Taylor Fort Wayne is closing. As this semester is coming to a close, I am starting to realize how God’s actions have hurt me. Past and present. I will acknowledge my true feelings, and even cry if need be. Sacrifice is dirty and difficult. Wearing a false smile will never make the sacrifice any more holy. Crying at the altar is not disobedience; it is reality. God can cause my tears because eventually He will wipe them all away.

Random Laughter

I often have inner dialogue with God during the day. Recently, God has been quite humorous. This often causes me to laugh out loud. These laughs happen at random times, and often those around me are clueless as to why I am snickering. My joy can't stay bottled up!

YES!! I have finally found joy! I have been praying for a year straight, asking God to give me joy. Normally, I struggle with depression, insecurity, and heartache. But, the Lord has destroyed the lamenting demon. It feels powerful!!!

Wedding Take Two

I already posted pictures of Melissa's wedding. However, I wanted to share three more because the event was special to my heart!


In this picture you see the entire wedding party.



My Melissa is always laughing or smiling. She is a gem of a friend!



Now you get to see what the groom actually looks like. My camera ran out of batteries before I could snap a picture of him. He makes Melissa happy, as you see in this picture.

Judge Not 2

Earlier I shared some thoughts on judging others, referencing Matthew 7:1-5. Here is the link to that post. I promised I would continue on, and so I shall.

The act of judging someone is completely different from rebuke and correction. A perfect example is the meeting of Jesus and the woman caught in adultery. What were His words? "Neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more."

You can show someone the error of their ways without judging them. If a friend has a problem with drinking, there are proper ways to share your concern. You do this gently. This means you don't condemn them, instead you love them. It is wrong to tell your friend they are going to hell because they drink too much. That is a judgment you cannot make.

I wish to give you my opinion on when it is acceptable to intervene for a friend who you are concerned about. Notice, I said my opinion! Don't take this as biblical fact.

1. Know the Sin
If a friend confesses they are struggling with smoking, when is it appropriate to rebuke them? I would suggest you know details about this particular sin before you rebuke or judge your friend. This means you know how many cigarettes the friend smokes per day. You know about the addictive qualities of tobacco, You know why your friend finds comfort in this addiction- did a bad break-up trigger a relapse? You have to know why this sin is tempting to your friend.

If your friend does not feel comfortable sharing the details of his or her sin, then you aren't the one to rebuke them. If they can't be honest and open with you, they probably aren't ready to change or they do not trust you.

2. Be in Community
What should you do if you see a teenage girl, whom you have never met, wearing a revealing dress? Is it your responsibility to tell her you are concerned? I would suggest, no.

The people who are to bring rebuke and correction MUST be in the same community with the sinner. This means they attend the same church or bible study. If you have no relationship with the person, you have little ability to restore them to wholeness. Approaching this stranger may seem like your religious duty. You may worry that no one is investing in her life. The truth is all your concerns are assumptions. You can't correct someone you no very little about. If you are not meeting with this person at least once a month, you have no authority to correct their behavior.

3. Prone to Gossip, Legalism, or Being Too Controlling
If you are prone to any of these character traits, I would suggest you refrain from rebuking others. It should be obvious why; however, if you don't see the logic- I will explain.

Gossips will take a sin, and share it with others. This destroys trust, and puts the sinner in a position of shame.

People prone to legalism will likely see sin where there is no sin. We have been called to liberty, if we live by the Spirit. Legalism will promote a yoke of slavery, and a false standard.

People who tend to be manipulators and control addicts will hurt weak believers. Instead of promoting a healthy recovery, they will nurture unhealthy dependence. Weak believers have the ability to find strength in the Holy Spirit and in Christ blood. They should not be swayed through abuse and control.