Letting Go and Grief

I admire Abraham for his obedience in the face of possible tragedy. Offering his son up for sacrifice was an act of pure commitment to his God. However, I believe I may have misjudged Abraham’s emotions during this act. I assumed Abraham was resolute; now I think he may have struggled.

Even in the midst of commitment, Abraham grieved. His heart was obedient, but in the same moment his heart was disturbed and broken. I can see his hand shaking as he raised the knife only a few inches from his son’s heart. Faithfully, God sent the angel and preserved Isaac’s life.

As I reminisce over seasons in my life, I realize I haven’t properly grieved. I convinced myself that grieving over loss was an act of defiance. As I left people and places I loved, I told myself it was my spiritual duty to accept it without despair. I thought true sacrifice was full abandonment without despair. Now, I think despair comes along with sacrifice.

Taylor Fort Wayne is closing. As this semester is coming to a close, I am starting to realize how God’s actions have hurt me. Past and present. I will acknowledge my true feelings, and even cry if need be. Sacrifice is dirty and difficult. Wearing a false smile will never make the sacrifice any more holy. Crying at the altar is not disobedience; it is reality. God can cause my tears because eventually He will wipe them all away.