Shared Worship

     When I first entered college in 1999, I happily pursued my passions for writing and acting. I knew these ventures were my calling from a young age. I didn’t follow these passions because I considered myself exceptionally gifted. I followed these passions because my community and mentors encouraged me to follow them. It helped that acting and writing gave me fulfillment, purpose, and joy.

However, after my first semester of college, I started to consider another career. The new college community introduced this wide-eyed freshman to the world of extravagant worship and prayer. In the back of my mind, a small voice hoped that I could lead worship or become a Christian artist. I wrote a few song lyrics, which I only shared with a few trusted friends. I had a few humble moments when I was granted the opportunity to help lead worship. It was glaringly obvious that there were far more musically talented members in my Christian community. I only had a subpar voice and had no ability or patience to learn an instrument. Nevertheless, I knew that true worship had nothing to do with talent or charm. It was about the heart and a reverence for the Lord. It made sense to me that, if I nurtured my relationship with Jesus, I would have the same capacity to make worship my profession.

Like most lofty dreams, this one had to die. I had to accept that the right doors simply weren’t opening. My worship wasn’t drawing large crowds. Other people were given the platform, and I learned to accept that my worship was meant for the secret place and the prayer room. I’ve come to terms with this and feel a deep sense of peace about it.

Though, I had to admit there was heartache connected to my freshman year of college, simply because my worship felt new and raw then. It made me wonder why God preferred that I write and act instead of lead crowds into His presence. After all, His glory was my goal. I wanted to be a pure conduit into His throne room. I had this large vision for the future where young adults powerfully encountered God through worship.

    Thankfully, I have seen that vision come to pass even though I wasn’t in the forefront. Professional worship leaders are carrying that calling I desperately wanted to carry. It fills me with such joy to see the present worship movement! Additionally, I was motivated to write this blog today because I experienced a powerful moment last night. I wanted to share my joy with whomever reads this. 

    I’ve been noticing that I put certain worship leaders on a pedestal. Probably, because they appear to be leading the life I wanted so desperately to lead myself. Artists like Steffany Gretzinger, Jeremy Riddle, Kim Walker, Phil Wickham, Hillsong United, and numerous others. I would watch their worship sets on YouTube. I’d experience the presence of God. I would be abundantly thankful that there were spiritual leaders who were granted the grace to lead others into the glory of God. Unfortunately, I would also selfishly wish I could be in their shoes.

    One day, I was driving in my car and a song by Phil Wickam came on the radio. God just granted me the grace to celebrate with Phil’s success without bemoaning my perceived failure. There was another encounter when I was watching a worship set led by Hillsong United, and I was able to appreciate Taya Gaukrodger without feeling inferior. Nevertheless, I felt a slight separation from these famous worship leaders. They had reached my dream, so I couldn’t help but feel emotionally broken.

    Until a few weeks ago when an opportunity fell in my lap. A Christian friend invited me to the Sing Along Tour hosted by Phil Wickam. A rush of emotion came over me. Not because I consider Phil to be this superhuman. Not because I’ll be in the same room with a famous person. My joy came from the reality that Phil and I want the same thing, and we’ll be under the same roof, worshipping the same God with the same fervor. Not long after my friend invited me to this concert, I was scrolling through Instragram. There was an unexpected announcement: Taya Gaukrodger would be joining the tour. 

    Suddenly, there were tears in my eyes. I was simply overwhelmed. I never envisioned Taya Gaukrodger being in the same state as me, let alone the same room worshipping God together. I felt a deep sense of healing. Yes, my hope of being a worship leader didn’t pan out. However, it doesn’t hurt as much. I have had the amazing opportunity to be a writer and an actress. I find joy in that field as well. God uses my talents, and my worship is still accepted.

    God reminded me that we are all spiritual beings whose deepest desire is to worship their Creator. This Sing Along Tour is in the near future, and I am expecting great things. But more than some powerful encounter, I just want to share space with my brothers and sisters who aren’t tainted by the fame and fortune. I get to sing along with these worship giants because worship is more powerful when it is shared.