Feeling Helpless

I hope this doesn’t come across as a mere complaint. I want to share my experience more as an affirmation for others who have experienced the same frustrations. When we have a shared experience, we can find community, support, and sympathy.

I have witnessed the healing power of proper medication. I have met numerous doctors and clinicians who honestly want to improve my mental health. I have reaped many blessings from their care and involvement.

Unfortunately, I have also witnessed a systemic problem in the mental health industry. I was recently listening to a podcast that addressed this systemic problem. Warning: there is foul language in this podcast.

https://www.jrepodcast.com/guest/brigham-buhler/

This podcast revealed how big pharma and the top insurance companies are manipulating the drug market all for financial gain even at the cost of patient care. This isn’t a secret. Most Americans are aware of the issue, especially since the opioid crisis. I won’t extensively talk about the systemic problem here because there is plenty of material out there. You can research it for yourself. I just want to speak to a personal issue that is making me feel helpless.

I have been on psychotropic drugs since the early 2000’s. It took several hospitalizations and numerous doctors to find a drug regimen that worked for me. I had to accept that I was mentally ill before I could heal. I had to use daily coping skills that I learned through therapy. I had to take my medications every night. My last hospitalization was early 2018, which is a huge success! I was in the pattern of entering an inpatient care facility once a year. Four years of mental clarity is such a miracle. I recognize this as a blessing. I recognize that I wouldn’t be healthy without all those doctors, nurses, therapists, techs, and pharmacists.

Unfortunately, I have encountered another bump in the road. I have developed tardive dyskinesia. This is an involuntary muscle movement disorder that is linked to prolonged use of psychotropic drugs. I want to discuss my options for treating this disorder with my psychiatrist. Regrettably, I don’t really have a reliable psychiatrist right now. I have had three psychiatrists this year. There is plenty of turnover in the mental health field. These three psychiatrists don't know my history. The first two were temporary psychiatrists, and the new one is still getting acclimated to the facility. One of the psychiatrists suggested I take a drug to stop the tardive dyskinesia. I started taking it, but insurance wanted me to try another version first. I can still vividly hear my psychiatrist: “When you try the second option, beware of depression or suicidal thoughts.” Not something I wanted to hear. 

I tried the alternative drug for a month and got scared, maybe paranoid. I was starting to feel more lethargic and sad. I went off the drug and have simply tolerated my involuntary muscle movements. I know I should probably treat this, but I am still paranoid that big pharma and the insurance companies are simply trying to find more ways to get me on one more pill. Now my tongue and lips are bouncing all over the place, and I am too scared to treat them with another pill. Too afraid that pill will lead me to suicide. I don’t feel like I can discuss my options with my psychiatrist because she doesn’t know my history, she is new to the facility, she is overworked and can’t waste her time on my lengthy concern, and it’s simply easier for her to simply write another prescription.

Again, this isn’t meant to suggest that the mental health industry is full of malicious criminals. I am just suggesting that the system is imperfect, and it can make patients feel helpless and anxious. I know this is not only true for people with mental health issues. It’s true for people with cancer, diabetes, obesity, and all other maladies. I don’t know if there is a solution or what it would take to fix it. However, I AM convinced that dirty money is corrupting a system that should be based in justice, generosity, love, and nurture.