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Thursday, July 06, 2017

Friends Who Heal Brokeness

I know about imprisonment. I have been in inpatient units where I couldn't get out and people couldn't get in. I know how broken people feel. I know that we all feel imprisoned. From our mother's wombs. We long to find freedom from dependence of others. However, God has called us to Himself and community. I often feel like I have abandoned my friends. Many of my friends decided to get married and have babies. This was very hard for me because I knew God hadn't called me to that lifestyle. I knew it would be confusing for my friends. I knew they wouldn't understand. I was the girl who always watched romance films. I was the girl who had secret crushes on boys at school. I was attractive to the opposite sex. Why on earth would I choose singleness? I'll be real honest. Admitting why I chose singleness isn't exactly an easy conversation. It hurts my feelings when I have to testify to why God has called me to remain single. It's simple. I fell in love with a guy who chose not to marry me. I tried other relationships, but they never satisfied me. I pretended to love those guys. I allowed them to minister to me and provide for me, but my heart always belonged to someone else. I wrestled with this for years. In my mind, I was over this man, but my emotions didn't agree. I would cry myself to sleep. I would try to rationalize what was happening to me. I told myself that I barely knew the guy. We only spent a semester together. How could I love someone I barely knew? It didn't make any rational sense to me. Why couldn't I just move on. Then I realized I didn't need to move on. I just needed to commit to singleness. I could let him go and live the life he chose. I could give him freedom to find the person who would make him happy. However, I needed to live single because I couldn't give my emotions to someone else. He was the one I loved. I had to admit it, then return to Jesus Christ.
I was luckily enough to meet Katie Lorentzon during this time. A wonderful friend who probably knew me better than anyone. She protected me. She was studying how to cure schizophrenia when she was at Evansville, which is exactly my diagnosis now. Without her love, support, friendship, and prayer, I wouldn't be the strong woman I am today. She knew that the prayer closet was my deliverance. I don't torture myself at night over a man anymore. Thanks to Katie, I am joyful.

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