Residual Fear

Now that I know my illness robs me, I am living with residual fear. My illness is like a thief in the night, striking when I least except it. Last year, a director cast me in an absurdist play. I wanted to perform in that show, but due to illness, the director had to replace me. I still feel the hurt from that loss. As I sit in theatre classes, the group talks about shared theatre experiences while I have to feel the emptiness. It makes me slightly angry, but mostly scared.

What if it happens again? Should I even bother auditioning, if I might break down? I experienced fear when our director asked me to stage manage the first main stage production this year. I didn't accept because I knew I was capable. I accepted because I am in the battle of my life. I need to prove that I am capable. There are moments of complete terror, when my world is out of control. However, there are also moments of complete wonder, when I realize I did it!

As the semester lingers, I realize I am living again, experiencing again, and investing again. It feels marvelous, especially because I know how it feels to lack life, experience, and investment. I am thankful for a supportive community. I am dusting myself off and moving forward. The residual fear isn't leaving, but maybe it will help me remain balanced.