I had a conversation about my recent psychotic break. My friend and I talked about how this event affected my relationship with God.
The question was asked, "Are you mad at God?"
I responded with a adamant "no". I then explained that I am not mad at God; I simply don't understand His motivations. It bothers me that I don't know the "why" in all this tragedy and trauma. I don't understand the greater purpose. I simply hate myself for not seeing His hand in all this. I am not angry at God. I am simply super curious.
I had a dream last night. Various settings were flashing before my eyes. I saw a preacher at a pulpit. I saw a man boxing. I saw a man walking on a street. I saw various men in different locations. Before the setting changed to the next setting, the male's face changed to Jesus's face, each time.
I assume the dream meant that Christ is in every situation. However, it may also speak to my tendency of idolatry. Trying to form God out of my experiences. Making Him into something I can grasp or something I can handle.
Again, I don't feel anger. I simply fear not knowing Him in His fullness. I want to understand why He sent me through this whirlwind of emotions. I have a few assumptions, but no concrete assurances.
My friend replied, "You won't fully know in this life." I understand why she said that, but I don't like that response. I want to seek God and get some answers. I want to know His motivations because I don't want Him to be a mystery. I want to be intimately acquainted with His heart.
The question was asked, "Are you mad at God?"
I responded with a adamant "no". I then explained that I am not mad at God; I simply don't understand His motivations. It bothers me that I don't know the "why" in all this tragedy and trauma. I don't understand the greater purpose. I simply hate myself for not seeing His hand in all this. I am not angry at God. I am simply super curious.
I had a dream last night. Various settings were flashing before my eyes. I saw a preacher at a pulpit. I saw a man boxing. I saw a man walking on a street. I saw various men in different locations. Before the setting changed to the next setting, the male's face changed to Jesus's face, each time.
I assume the dream meant that Christ is in every situation. However, it may also speak to my tendency of idolatry. Trying to form God out of my experiences. Making Him into something I can grasp or something I can handle.
Again, I don't feel anger. I simply fear not knowing Him in His fullness. I want to understand why He sent me through this whirlwind of emotions. I have a few assumptions, but no concrete assurances.
My friend replied, "You won't fully know in this life." I understand why she said that, but I don't like that response. I want to seek God and get some answers. I want to know His motivations because I don't want Him to be a mystery. I want to be intimately acquainted with His heart.
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