Recently, God's presence has been more tangible. For instance, during prayer or worship, I feel a tense heat on my body. I have also had some powerful, supernatural dreams in the last month. I realize that many Christians never experience this. Whenever I share this information with nominal Christians or non-believer, they look at me like I am nuts.
I assume these skeptics believe I am either crazy or I am lying. It makes it much easier for people to question my spiritual encounters because I am diagnosed with a mental illness. This frustrates me; however, I know that my relationship with God is not dependent on people's perceptions or criticisms.
However, my own fears and doubts trouble me. What if I am hallucinating? What if the heat on my skin, during prayer, is a symptom of my illness? What if my intense love for the Lord is motivated by insanity? What if my fanatical beliefs cause me to land a room on the third floor?
Why am I asking these questions? Simple. The past few days I have been falling deeper in love with God. I'm serious. Like a bride loves her groom. I mean it is impossible for me to resist! He paints the sunset, He makes the leaves turn multiples colors in the fall, He came to earth as a man..not just a man...a man with a heart of compassion and humility.
How can anyone not fall madly in love with Him? As I realize these emotions, I tell myself..."Tamara, you are crazy! You are nuts! He's God. You can't really fall in love with Him. That is weird." But my mind hasn't slowed my heart. My heart still goes pitter-pat. There is my confession.
I am crazy, and my medication has yet to kill this infatuation. I am in love. Does anyone have a suggestion on how to stifle this love? I have tried, and I have failed.
1 comment:
Don't ever stifle..fan it to a flame that will never go out.
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