Shy and in Love

Song 1:7-8
Tell me, you whom I love, where you graze your flock
and where you rest your sheep at midday.
Why should I be like a veiled woman
beside the flocks of your friends?
If you do not know, most beautiful of women,
follow the tracks of the sheep
and graze your young goats
by the tents of the shepherds.

To be completely honest I have avoided the body of Christ. I haven't attended Sunday morning service in awhile. When I attend a worship gathering I worship, pray, and hear the message.....then dart away to spend time alone with God. Why is this? I am veiled. I am not comfortable in a crowd. People will eventually hurt me and let me down. More than that my spiritual journey is unlike those around me. I understand that my view of God is not exactly cohesive with the general consensus. I find my strength and acceptance in the arms of my Creator.

But, someone prayed for me tonight, and her words reminded me that I must stay connected. Connecting with the body of Christ should be a joyful, powerful, encouraging experience. I know numerous Christians that I can spend ample amounts of time with and feel strengthened in my inner man. I also know there are people that can benefit from my presence.

But, all my life there has been a deep wound in my heart. This wound is caused by the truth that no one really knows me. No one really understands me. The issues of my life can be explained on paper, but aren't actual realities until someone experiences them for themselves. People can sympathize that I am mentally ill, but they don't know what it feels like to be tormented by heavy emotions. People rarely understand my deep desire to give my life fully to the Lord in terms of sacrificing a marriage relationship. People don't understand why I can go into an empty room sing at the top of my lungs, pray in tongues, and weep for hours.
I know every human being on the earth feels misplaced. But, I have a confession to make. When I was offered a place to live outside of Fort Wayne I had an unholy thought. I thought I can leave my mistakes behind. I can distance myself from people who have witnessed me in the most vulnerable and embarrassing situations. I am running away. I don't want to face the ugliness of myself.
Now I realize God wants me to fight my pride and He wants to use me here, during these last few months. Even though I am the last person He should use.

Sanctity of Marriage

I may be stepping on some toes, but I still think this statement needs to be considered. Proposition eight passed in California. This means that gay marriage will not be recognized in the state of California. Christians might be tempted to feel relieved. This is not the time to feel comfortable or satisfied! Homosexuals now have a right to be more angry and more proactive! This loss will only fuel the fire. Christians must stop relying on government to dictate morality. We have to get our hands dirty and minister to our neighbors. What grieves me the most is that Christians have a higher divorce rate than the secular masses. How can we dictate the sanctity of marriage to anyone when we as a whole have failed to uphold it ourselves. Derek said it right in his song"I Repent"


I repent judging by a law that even i can't keep
wearing righteousness like a disguise to see through
the planks in my own eyes

Hearing vs Listening

This last month was extremely difficult. Looming decisions were stealing my joy. I recently made the decision to transfer to Upland. This decision will require my sanity. I will be looking for a new job, moving in with a new family, finding a new church, and going to a different school. I know God is with me and He has been directing me. Now that I have made this decision I feel more settled. I am still experiencing a bit of fear, but I am combating this fear with everything I have in me. I truly enjoy school and I am ready for a change in scenery. I want to be joyful in this season, not worried and fearful. With God ALL things are possible!

Raw Presence

I know that Jesus's eyes are burning right now. He wants me to be alone with Him at this very moment. He is jealous for me and I know He HATES that my blog is stealing His time with me. But, I wanted to share some thoughts while they were still raw.

God told me....
1. Don't enjoy your longing for me! It is a wound. It is suppose to hurt. Don't seek to be more hungry; find yourself hungry. Live in a state of REAL hunger. Hunger that hurts is real hunger. Yes, I am with you and have never forsaken you. But, miss my physical presence. My desire is to dwell on the earth with my people. While the bridegroom is away my people will fast.

Lydia sang this spontaneous word and it is ripping my heart to shreds.

I want to see your face...if we ask for bread you won't give us a stone......

God when I ask for you I want the bread of life. I DON'T want an idol made of stone. When I ask for your return to the earth I expect an answer without delay. I can't be nice. I can't be satisfied. I can't go through the motions. More than a longing, more than a craving, more than a hoping, can I just have You!

Numb3rs and Jews

I recently got a message from my beloved friend, Katie. She wondered if I had watched the most recent episode of Numb3rs. I, indeed, had watched it. At the end of the program Don Epps is motivated to enter a Jewish synagogue. He looks at the building for a moment and something (someone) drawls him in. He was searching for something more. I hope he finds it!

As I watched this occurrence joy welled up inside me. I rarely have joy and this sudden elation struck me. I really have an authentic love for the Jewish people. This emotion exceeds many other pleasantries. I like cheese cake, I never grow tired of listening to Matchbox Twenty, and writing relaxes me. But, the rapture I receive from our forefather's and their natural descendants is unlike all of that.

I have contended for these people in prayer. At times my affections for them confuses others. Others consider that Judaism is comparable to Buddhism or Paganism. I simply have a hard time accepting that. I know I am a heretic, but I can't rationalize that devote Jews have missed salvation and are eternally lost. Again, I know I am a heretic. I use this verse to comfort my heart.


Rom 11:25-30
I do not want you to be ignorant of this mystery, brothers, so that you may not be conceited: Israel has experienced a hardening in part until the full number of the Gentiles has come in. And so ALL Israel will be saved, as it is written:

"The deliverer will come from Zion;
he will turn godlessness away from Jacob.
And this is my covenant with them
when I take away their sins."

As far as the gospel is concerned, they are enemies on your account; but as far as election is concerned, they are loved on account of the patriarchs, for God's gifts and his call are irrevocable.

As you noticed I emphasized the ALL! I know God is mysterious and people read a verse and can make all kinds of conjectures. But, I know that God is loyal and He is faithful. It is not in his heart to reject or divorce His first wife. My acceptance of my Jewish brothers and sisters has been somewhat hidden. I know I am vocal about my love for them. But, I am fully aware that my friends don't really know the extent of this love. They don't know that my mercy might overstep God's judgment. I can't reconcile God rejecting the people he promised to bless. Don't scold me too harshly.

A Must Read

I feel obliged to share an insight. I have met countless people who profess to hate reading. I think anyone has the potential to be an avid reader. They simply have to find the genre of books that interest them. Unfortunately, we are forced to read classic in high school to build our appreciation. These novels may, indeed, be masterpieces, but that doesn't guarantee everyone will be thrilled by them. Don't let high school or college nurse a distaste for reading! Find a book you like, cuddle in the covers, and escape into another world. When you find that author or subject that rivets you, stick with that!

Silent Snow, Secret Snow

I am planning on writing a more in depth analysis of how mental illness is portrayed by the media and the arts in my Psychotic Psychiatry blog. But, since I know some of you rarely read it (this is not a rebuke) I wanted to share a brief description of how a short story impacted me. Conrad Aiken wrote a short story with the title of Silent Snow, Secret Snow. It is without a doubt, a masterpiece. There are countless symbolic images and I know that Conrad went to great effort to perfect this story. I was deeply impacted by it because it suggests that schizophrenia is a result of childhood neglect. I am not about to declare this to be a scientific fact. No one knows the cause of eccentric behavior. There is speculations, but no real proof. Still, this concept was more vivid when portrayed in the story. I was lured to believe in its reality.

Now, when I return to my parent's home I make an effort to leave the TV remote untouched. I avoid the temptation to check my e-mail. I sit with my mother. I ask her questions. I brush my finger through her hair, an action that she takes much delight in. I sing to her and make every effort to show her affection. There are moments I am disheartened. She has moments when she is somewhat connected with the outside world. There are other moments when I don't even know if she realizes I am there. But, my perspective has been dramatically alter since I finished Silent Snow, Secret Snow.

It is a short story, so it would only take a few minutes to read. I would suggest it.

I Voted

I decided to vote this year. It has been awhile since I pressed my unique fingertip to those buttons that decide the future of our nation. It is 10:30 now and it seems inevitable that Obama will win this election. My dad would scold me for making this premature proclamation. It isn't over till it's over. Actually since the year 1999 I have accurately predicted every election. I told my dad about a month ago that I believed Obama would be our next president. He scowled. My dad knows about my accurate past and probably knew this to be true before I encouraged the thought. We will see if my prediction is correct soon enough.

I do feel a need to set the pro-life movement at ease. Obama is openly pro-choice. It might be tempting to think if Obama wins this election this means the pro-life movement has suffered a hard blow. I want to discourage this thought. I have said it before and I will say it again. Abortion is not a political issue. God will not relent until this injustice is extinguished. The supreme court never had the right to decide whether abortion was acceptable. Abortion is murder and our political system will never hold the power to justify the murdering of innocent children. Our legal system and our president has no ability to rectify the past Holocaust. God and His church will shape this nation. Our government will not dissuade us from blowing the trumpet's warning. Daniel stood for God in a pagan empire. Moses spoke against the Pharaoh who was thought to be a god. Our culture never trumps our conviction. If Obama wins we have not lost.

zer0

I am taking college courses to become a better communicator. Due to this endeavor I am more meticulous and critical with my writing and my everyday speech. One reform relates to the number zero. Before college I would exchange the letter O with the number zero. Now when I hear myself or others making this mistake I get irritated.

I am surprised with how much I am actually learning this semester. Writing can be tricky. We speak incorrectly and this causes us to write incorrectly. I am learning the importance of grammar, spelling, and sentence construction. A writer needs to master the complete art of writing. This means I can no longer rely on my friends to read and then correct my errors. I need to learn the techniques of editing myself.

Due to my immense enjoyment of college I am still tempted to move to Upland. Unfortunately, I can’t rely on wants or desire. I must know what the Lord has planned for me! I don’t want to move until He packs my suitcase for me.