Shy and in Love

Song 1:7-8
Tell me, you whom I love, where you graze your flock
and where you rest your sheep at midday.
Why should I be like a veiled woman
beside the flocks of your friends?
If you do not know, most beautiful of women,
follow the tracks of the sheep
and graze your young goats
by the tents of the shepherds.

To be completely honest I have avoided the body of Christ. I haven't attended Sunday morning service in awhile. When I attend a worship gathering I worship, pray, and hear the message.....then dart away to spend time alone with God. Why is this? I am veiled. I am not comfortable in a crowd. People will eventually hurt me and let me down. More than that my spiritual journey is unlike those around me. I understand that my view of God is not exactly cohesive with the general consensus. I find my strength and acceptance in the arms of my Creator.

But, someone prayed for me tonight, and her words reminded me that I must stay connected. Connecting with the body of Christ should be a joyful, powerful, encouraging experience. I know numerous Christians that I can spend ample amounts of time with and feel strengthened in my inner man. I also know there are people that can benefit from my presence.

But, all my life there has been a deep wound in my heart. This wound is caused by the truth that no one really knows me. No one really understands me. The issues of my life can be explained on paper, but aren't actual realities until someone experiences them for themselves. People can sympathize that I am mentally ill, but they don't know what it feels like to be tormented by heavy emotions. People rarely understand my deep desire to give my life fully to the Lord in terms of sacrificing a marriage relationship. People don't understand why I can go into an empty room sing at the top of my lungs, pray in tongues, and weep for hours.
I know every human being on the earth feels misplaced. But, I have a confession to make. When I was offered a place to live outside of Fort Wayne I had an unholy thought. I thought I can leave my mistakes behind. I can distance myself from people who have witnessed me in the most vulnerable and embarrassing situations. I am running away. I don't want to face the ugliness of myself.
Now I realize God wants me to fight my pride and He wants to use me here, during these last few months. Even though I am the last person He should use.