Some earlier blogs have expressed my desire to loose weight. I was never really concerned about my weight before. I have weighed more than I weigh now and it never truly bothered me. I weighed 135 in high school and I have weighed a max of 165 before. I didn't become body conscience until I weighed 125 about a year ago. I had worked out in a gym with devotion allowing me to loose a total of 25 pounds in a very short period of time. People obviously noticed. This question was asked all the time,"How did you loose all that weight?" I was small enough that people even started to get concerned. But I loved the way I felt. For the first time I actually felt attractive in my clothes. Ever since I have weighed 125 my image has started to mean more to me. I am not exactly proud of this fact. Health is always important! But, I think I am obsessing a little too much. I am considering auditioning for a play. I keep thinking if I weighed less I would possibly have a better chance of getting cast. I am also refusing to buy new clothes even though I don't fit into most of my pants now. I keep thinking I will loose this weight, I must loose this weight. It actually depresses me. I am constantly pulling at my extra fat and glaring at my pot belly. I look in the mirror all the time. We don't have a scale here at my house. That is probably a good thing. When I am at my dad's I check my weight at least four times before I leave. I know this shouldn't be such an issue, but for some reason it is bothering me immensely.
I have a confession to make. I have always thought fasting was an essential spiritual discipline. I have decided that for a year I will be fasting lunch. I have basically held to that commitment. I have days where I fail. Still overall I have done a good job. I have tried numerous time to fast a full day. I have yet to be successful. Even when I went to The Call, Nashville I ended up breaking my fast. Can you blame me? They had Nachos and Cheese! Major Tamara temptation! Not being able to fast a whole day has always bothered me. I want to show God that I can fast a full day. I know it isn't about proving anything to God. But, I still think I should be able to fast a full day if I consider myself a prayer warrior. But, here is my confession. This weight-loss program calls for a day of detoxification. This means once a month you take 1 day to drink only water and a special juice concoction. Apparently, toxins can affect how much weight you loose. So, I had my detox day and I completed it without even eating a breath mint. I should be excited that I had the discipline to complete this goal. I am glad because I do feel thinner and healthier already. But, apparently my body image is more motivation for me than a spiritual discipline. What I mean to say is: I could go a whole day without food because I knew I would loose weight, but I have failed to fast a full day to strengthen my prayer life. This makes me worried that my body image is more important to me than my spiritual image.
No comments:
Post a Comment