Caterpillar, Cocoon, Butterfly

I often have moments of complete terror when I start to recognize I am getting older. Events that have forced me to recognize the inevitable wrinkles are marriages and newborns. I still have the impression that marriage bars you from connecting with your single friends as you once did. Babies alter you personality in marvelous and profound ways. I will admit change is scary to me. And I am surrounded by it. I have yet to experience either of these life changes, marriage or babies. I feel awkward. It is causing me to retreat to a familiar place where I can feel young and centered. I have been visiting my parents a lot this week. I admit I think it is out of fear and feeling uncomfortable in Fort Wayne. I just woke up one morning and felt disillusioned. Most of the things I was once passionate for no longer move me. I have avoided the prayer room this month. I know this will shock many of you but I must come clean. IHOP is no longer something I desire to pursue. Even admitting it to myself hasn't convinced me. I think I will wake up and this eerie feeling of change will dissipate. I will walk into the prayer room and all my spiritual ecstasy will return. But, this week I was not only avoiding prayer I was listening to my inner dialogue murdering its reputation. Some recent events have led me to believe that IHOP is no longer where God wants me to be. Saying that frightens me deeply, yet at the same time I feel relief admitting it. I have felt this disconnected feeling for awhile now. It started with the feeling that God was going to move me out of Fort Wayne. This disconnected feeling has only intensified. I really think I need to move on. On to what I have NO idea. There is one passion that has yet to die. I still love to write. I have been writing for hours on end. Some poetry but lately I have been working on stories. Stories that could blossom to actual books. I will admit I feel alone. It really has nothing to do with my current friendships. It has more to do with the gruesome power of metamorphosis. Every night my heart awakens. It taunts me by saying, "See another day is over and you still don't have the power to stop time. Night is creeping up on you and so is the age of thirty. Who do you want to be? It is time to dilute the facade and become who God has made you to be."