What Church?

During this month of transition, I have plenty on my mind. I warn myself not to worry.

I have been seeking God about what church to attend. I want a body of believers who are radical, and accepting of my eccentric nature. I want a church body who celebrates their bridegroom's love, and acknowledges the power of prayer.

God faithfully directed me to a church. I haven't attended yet; however, God has made this step crystal clear. My new church is Bethel Worship Center. If you click the name of the church, you can look at the church's website.

Be Yourself

I often try to emulate the heroins in my favorite books or movies. For example, Lizzy Bennet inspires me to be strong- willed and skeptical of men. Anne of Green Gables inspires me to be dedicated and imaginative. I want to remain faithful to my one true love (Jesus) like Arwen was to Aragorn. There are countless heroins who encourage me to be independent, loyal, and creative.

Unfortunately, my respect for these characters is turning into something unhealthy. When I follow their standards for my life, I am discounting God's design. I blindly dictate my life according to a fictional character's mannerisms. I should submit my actions to my Creator, not to Elizabeth Bennet, Anne, or Arwen. What if I am to marry Mr. Collins instead of Darcy. (I am using this as a silly example, my desire to never marry is still very much alive.)

I can't live in someone else's shoes when they don't fit. They are giving me massive, painful blisters. I am beginning to realize that the skinny model is not the only oppressor of today's females. The fictional female with the delightful, flawless character is also oppressive.

My new desire is to uncover how God's see me. I am a unique vessel with a specific purpose. I want to guard myself, and I want to be unmoved by society's pressure and expectations. I want to enjoy the stories of my fictional role-models, but I want to refrian from becoming them.

Sharing Dreams

I have many spiritual dreams, and I struggle to know if I should share them. Two days ago, I had the most amazing dream. I have decided not to share it on my blog. However, I want to share it with someone. I am curious how others would interpret it. How do I know who to share it with?

The bible tells the story of the dreamer, Joseph. Joseph had powerful dreams about God's destiny over his life. When he shared those dreams with his family, they became jealous and angry. Does this mean Joseph should not have shared those dreams? I have three considerations that suggest Joseph was not wrong to share his dreams.

1. If not family, then who??!
I think family should be supportive and loving. Joseph should feel the freedom to share his dreams with his family. If God gave Joseph such powerful dreams, I think he should feel safe sharing them with his family.

God's Doing
2. Joseph didn't conjure up these dream, so he can't take credit for them. By sharing the dreams he is not boasting in himself. He is declaring God's great love over him.

3. A Good Man
Joseph was beloved because he had God's favor on his life. The brother's actions are not any more excusable because Joseph shared his dreams. Going into slavery was not a result of Joseph's dreams, or his sharing of those dreams. He went into slavery because his brothers were wicked and jealous.

I will agree that Joseph was naive to share his dreams with brothers who already were green with envy. Joseph probably should have shown restraint. However, I don't think it was a sin for him to share those dreams. Joseph should be unashamed of the destiny God sings over him. Let the poor guy celebrate.

I don't long to be prideful, boastful, or self-serving when I share my dreams. I am fully aware that I could never conjure up the dreams God has given me. But, I do need wisdom as to whom I am to share them with.

Direction and Destiny

God is looking for a generation more consumed with whom they are following than where they are going" by Alicia Chole

God is confirming this quote in my Spirit. Still, God is beginning to speak and direct. I want to share some teachings/prophetic words that have inspired me in the last year. Medina Pullings is a fiery woman of God, and I respect her boldness and prophetic edge.

If you are not Charismatic these words might unsettle you. Please, don't feel obligated to listen to them.

While I was struggling with whether or not I should attend Taylor Fort Wayne, I heard Medina Pullings give a word. This word was one of many confirmation that God wanted me to register for classes. Here is a LINK to that word.

After the school closed, I felt aimless and confused. I recently decided to attend Upland despite the valley and darkness. Then today I came across this new word (also given by Medina), and it reminded me that God is directing me to continue my studying. He is faithful to the destiny He has spoken over me. I am believing Him more each day. I am learning to trust Him.

Can't Lose You

My life has been one exciting ride this past month. I have made difficult, gut-wrenching decisions. I will have to live with these decisions, and walk away with no regrets.

God has been my shepherd through this whole ordeal of returning to college. In my carnal mind, returning to college was the LAST thing I wanted. The first college I attended was the University of Evansville. I fell in love with the campus and community. However, I was ripped from the campus due to an illness. After that experience, hope was hard to come by. College was no longer a joy, but something to be feared.

But, slowly God began to heal my wounds, and He gave me hope for my future. As I became obedient and surrendered, the prospect of returning to college surfaced again. With the support of family and friends, I made the jump! I applied to TUFW, and began taking classes.

Mid semester the announcement was made that the school was closing its doors. Talk about heartbreak, disillusionment, and disappointment! All those wounds of the past resurfaced. It sounds bleak, but if you pay attention to God’s voice, you may find He knows exactly what He is doing.

God is teaching me that circumstances are not the litmus test for my relationship with Him. God has great plans for me. What the enemy has stolen, God desires to restore. He will restore! He has promised me that His plans are for my good. I simply need to remind myself that circumstances do not dictate God's love for me. I am learning to trust Him in the darkest valley. Even when the path is uncertain and difficult, I will praise Him.

MY CURRENT PLANS: I will be moving to Marion. I will be a part-time student at Upland in the fall. I covet your prayers during this time of transition.

Here Comes the Bride and Your Man

My cousin, Hillary, was married this Saturday! The wedding was unique and precious. Hillary and Sara are both artistic and adorable together. I will be ordering some wedding pictures once they are posted. Be on the look out!

The wedding was held near the Indiana Dunes. The scenery was breathtaking, but the bride was even more breathtaking. My cousin Hillary found a special, beautiful partner. He was smiling from ear to ear.

I usually feel uncomfortable at weddings. The entire commitment/sacredness of marriage makes me uncomfortable. However, I actually enjoyed attending this wedding. The whole event was unforgettable.

The whole ceremony was a perfect reflection of these two love birds. During the ceremony a few poems were recited. Obviously, this appealed to my writing addiction. The music was exceptional! The bride walked down the aisle to the an instrumental rendition of Here Comes the Bride played on electric guitar! They exited as man and wife to Here Comes Your Man by Pixies. Ahhh, so much fun!!!

CONGRATULATIONS HILLARY AND SARA RUST!!

Love Never Fails

(The video is 10 minutes long. It isn't essential to watch, but this is one of my favorite scenes from What Dreams May Come. It simply adds a touch to my post)

Unrequited love is a horrendous ordeal. It can stilt future relationship, and encourage bitterness. Unfortunately, a lovesick lover often lacks the power to stop loving even when their love is not returned.

Our culture's tendency is to encourage the brokenhearted to move on to the next best thing. Relationship magazines and advice columns suggest the brokenhearted find someone who will love them in return. This is true wisdom, and will undoubtedly make life easier and less painful. There is very little to be gained by seeking a love relationship with someone who doesn't want a love relationship.

Still, there is a necessity for everyone to acknowledge that love remains. Love will still linger in a heart despite the lack of love given by another. That love can't be distinguished merely by the force of will. Love is a powerful emotion, and can't be simply forgotten or redirected.

I don't suggest anyone continually pursue a relationship with someone who is not interested or available. However, I think unrequited love produces unconditional love. God has experienced unrequited love. God's people have repeatably ignored God, and rejected His love. This rebellion has not hindered His love. He hasn't searched for someone else to treat Him better or love Him more.

Therefore, any person faced with unrequited love has the ability to love unconditionally. Unrequited love may be painful, but it is a true reflection of God's everlasting love.

Bambi

The Disney movie, Bambi, made a lasting impression on me. The animators gave Bambi a voice and developed his relationships with his mother. By doing so, Disney made the gun shot even more tragic.
I often feel regret when I squash a spider. If I hit an animal with my car, I spend a moment in silence. I often feel the need to treat animals much like I do humans.
The Old Testament is full of animal sacrifice; therefore, I don't think I could call a hunter a murderer. I think God has given humans dominion over animals, and the freedom to eat meat. This doesn't excuse animal cruelty and killing only for sport.
Personally, I want to be gentle and loving towards all of God's creation. I often let the daddy long legs climb on my wall. I don't feel a need to squish the harmless spider. I detest the act of burning ants with a magnifying glass. I grieve Bambi's mother even though I know she is a fictitious character. God gave us animals to enjoy and eat. But, I don't blame the vegan! There is something wonderful about letting our animals live a full life.

Strange Behavoir

There are many socially challenged people in our world today. These individuals may invade our personal space. These people may stock the opposite sex. These people may walk in long, black trench coats. These people, for whatever reason, make normal society nervous.

Recently, I have been grieved by how others react to these individuals. Society either persuades us to feel sympathetic toward these individuals or we demand they change their behavior. If neither of these efforts produce a positive result, we decide to avoid these individuals all together.

I accept people whom society shuns. I know these are the very people God has come for, and He will use them to shame the wise. Honestly, I distrust anyone who thinks they have it all together. In reality all of us our insane, awkward, and fallen.

I have been on a mental ward numerous times. It amazes me that society finds it necessary to lock these individuals up, and hide them from the outside world. I understand there are safety concerns. Unfortunately, these people have gifts, talents, insights, and beauty that the world will never see. The big evil giant, Normal, has silenced them.

Thinking of Her

I'm reading a book that was fairly popular and controversial awhile back. The title is "The Israel Lobby." The book basically argues that our strong alliance with Israel is hurting both America and Israel.

A review of the book summed the authors' arguments up in two sentences.

"They describe the remarkable level of material and diplomatic support that the United States provides to Israel and argues that this support cannot be fully explained on either strategic or moral grounds. This exceptional relationship is due largely to the political influence of a loose coalition of individuals and organizations that actively work to shape U.S. foreign policy in a pro-Israel direction."

The authors come to the table with economic and safety concerns. It's obvious the writers have little respect for the spiritual significance of the land. I don't dislike what they had to say because most of their thoughts are reasonable and even true. They make a logical argument, if you discount the Biblical importance of the land.

Therefore, this book is a warning sign. At the end of the age, ALL nations will come against Israel. This book is an entry way for America to justify abandoning Israel. Now is the time to pray for her peace.

Apple Trees

Today a Hillside friend named Jay had his graduation party, and hosted Matt Spink's birthday party. The parties were held on a beautiful farm land. I felt like Anne Shirley when she first laid her eyes on Green Gables.
I was sitting by the pool when I noticed three trees. One of the owners of the house, Jay's mom, was sitting next to me. I wanted to know what type of trees they were. She told me they were apple trees. I couldn't resist! I walked to them, and sat under their shade.

"Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. In his shade I took great delight and sat down, and his fruit was sweet to my taste."
Song of Solomon 2:3

I can't explain the peace and love that wrapped around me as I sat under those apple trees. Emptiness and loneliness fled. I felt secure, safe, and cherished. My God is romantic and He is my everything! There is no one like Him. No one can compare!

Happy Graduation Jay! Happy Birthday Matt!

Sun's Praise

I recorded myself singing spontaneously. The song is inspired by Psalms 19. This video clip was put together by myself. It is poor quality, but I wanted to share it anyway. The voice is mine, I am playing the piano, and I hope it blesses you. I purposely made the lyrics simple; they are straight from the Holy scriptures. The lyrics are underneath the video.



You think the sun is silent because you do not hear it.
But, she's singing, she's praising.

The trees will clap their hands, the rocks will cry out.

All creation groans, all creation groans.

You think the sun is silent because you do not hear it.

You're Not Righteous

Rom 3:10-12
"None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands, no one seeks for God. All have turned aside, together they have gone wrong; no one does good, not even one."

Romans Chapter 3 is a verse I now turn toward for comfort. One might consider the proclamation, "no one is righteous," as being a dismal and depressing revelation. I find comfort in the fact that I can't put my security and hope in any individual, even myself.

When I was young in the faith, I equated my understanding of God with my holiness before God. The more I knew about God, the more likely I was to find His favor. I now own a deep peace because I have dislodged that lie.

I even judged others whose understanding of God was foreign from my own understanding. I felt it was my civic duty to enlighten the world on how one should perceive his or her Creator. These standards, my standards, were clouded by my own immaturity and pride. Now I realize I am one of those people that Romans speaks about, not righteous.

Some of my posts in this very blog draw me to repent. I don't have it all together, and it is prideful of me to push my opinions on anyone. (I still think I have freedom to share my thoughts. I simply can't validate that all my thoughts are pure or 100 percent accurate.)

I find great peace in the fact that all human beings are on the same playing field. We all have flaws, blind spots, and weaknesses. We all judge unfairly, we all get passionate about our own agendas, and we aren't righteous.

I believe Jesus is the only deity who accepts us as we are. All other religions force people to jump through hoops and improve on themselves. Jesus wants to sanctify us, but that work is a work of grace. It is not dependent on our power or strength. In fact, it is dependent on our frailty and brokenness.

The gospel is such good news. I'm a failure, I'm a mess, I'm ignorant, I'm zealous without knowledge. Such wonderful news! Jesus still loves me!