Personal Conviction

A concept that has started to fascinate me is personal conviction. Most Christians will agree that adultery is wrong, murder is wrong, and stealing is wrong. I am glad there is consensus overall that these sins are intolerable. But, what about those personal convictions in your own life. Those convictions that are not shared by all Christians. Take wine for instance. I don't think drinking wine in moderation is a sin. Let me rephrase that. I don't think drinking wine in moderation is a sin for me. If you consider the recovering alcoholic the situation has changed. It could be argued that it is a sin for such a person to sip from a wine glass.

Today as I was waking up I saw my Bound4Life red band on my desk. I will be honest, if I forget or choose not to wear this band I feel convicted all day. Is it a sin to never wear a Bound4life band? Certainly not! I would never argue that. But, if I choose not to wear that band I feel conviction all day. For me not wearing the band is sin.

I haven't done extensive study on personal conviction. Still I am gaining interest in the matter. Over the next few months I will probably scan my Bible and discover more insight.

Between You and Me

Discretion is golden. I am fully aware that I lack discretion. Honestly, it is something I strive for and highly honor. Unfortunately, as a writer I am prone to sharing everything. A respectable writer has discretion and judges every word before they release it. I am learning this art, but I have NOT mastered it.

Recently I have been challenging myself. There are insights and experiences that I have specifically chosen to keep between the Lord and myself. I feel as though even sharing that I have these secrets is indeed...a lack of discretion. But, I wanted to share this to challenge others to seek discretion. I can't tell you how precious these secrets are to me.These secrets remain powerful and are not depreciated by someone's devaluing of them. These secrets are not used to entertain a stranger, but to sweeten an intimate relationship with the Lord. Actually, the chance of my experiences being distorted by someone's conceptualization is highly probable. When these personal experiences stay tucked away in my guarded heart they have no potential to be scrutinized. The secrets are pure and undefiled.

I even gain delight from mastering silence. There are moments when sharing these secrets seems tempting. Putting forth the effort to keep them hidden gives potential for reward. I keep my thoughts to myself; I reward myself when I achieve the discretion.

The Lord is romantic and I know it stirs His heart when I devote myself fully to Him. The secret place has always been a safe escape. It continues to fuel my passion and it continues to make my knees weak.

Upland Campus

It appears that the Professsional Writing program will be transfering to Upland in totality. This has helped to calm my nerves. I am seriously considering transfering to the Upland Campus. I; however, do not want to live on campus. I really do not like dorm life. Unfortunaltly, I don't feel I have an alternative at this time. I doubt I can find an apartment within my means. I will continue to pray for God's direction and I will cheerish your prayers as well. In the next few days I will be searching job listings in the Upland area. I have strong connections in Fort Wayne. A possible move might disrubt my comfort. But, I have learned that life is never predictable!

Now What?

Obviously I am in transition. My job is no longer supplying a sufficient amount of income. My college is no longer continuing their undergraduate program. I also know that my current living arrangements are about to change. I have dealt with radical change multiple times! This transition will inevitably move me to the exact place God longs for me to be.

God has gifted me with some extra time to truly seek Him. It is tempting to ask Him a million questions about my immediate future; it is more romantic to simply fall in love with Him. Most of my quiet times focus on getting to know His heart and not so much about my next steps. I want to know Him above knowing what He wants me to do. My walk with God is never about duty and exploits. It is about building a solid, intimate relationship. I figure when I know His heart I will in turn know which path to take.

With my college history I have really started to doubt that God wants me to graduate. I am not saying He has said no to college. I am just saying that circumstances have caused me to question and doubt. College is a worthy pursuit. But, college was never an idol for me. I didn't require a degree to prove my worth or stroke my ego. I know God can use me despite my lack of experience and knowledge.

As I seek God about my path I have received some insight. Abortion is no longer an issue I consider haphazardly. It has started to consume my thoughts. I have been writing essays, fictional stories, and poems addressing this holocaust. As I was seeking the Lord I began to believe that He was going to move me into a position where I would have influence. I have been looking for job openings that would cause me to have a voice. This job may be in a Hope Center, an adoption agency, a pro-life government organization, or even a job dealing with the legality of abortion. My actual dream is to write about the topic. There might be a newsletter or magazine looking for a good article. Whatever it may be I WANT to change lives and save lives. I am going to devote my strength to the eradication of these senseless murders.

My Little Sis in Town

I hung out with my sister this week. We had loads of fun. We took a walk around Bixlar lake. We also went shopping at Jefferson Point. She will be moving to South Korea to teach English. I will miss her so much, but I am also super excited for her. What an adventure she will have.




She has not found her prince charming yet. Maybe he lives in South Korea.

A Cowgirl's Reality

Our assignment was to write a book review. The professor called my name, finally. I desperately wanted to see what masterpiece I would be reading. I didn't look at the title until I sat at my desk. I loved the suspense. I took a deep breath and slowly my eyes met the title. I read the title slowly. Then Along Came a Cowboy. What? A cowboy. What was this? A picture of a handsome, brown eyed cowboy was etched on the cover. Was this a romance? I walked outside and sat under a tree. I painfully made my way through the first chapter. A cowboy romance? You have to be kidding! How would I ever motivate myself to read this??!! I shoved the book into my bookbag and let out a deep sigh. I couldn't return the book to the professor. I had to read it and review it. I pinned myself to my bed that night and struggled through some more chapters.

By about the fifth chapter I had reached a new level of feeling uncomfortable. Why? The main character was me. And I hated looking in the mirror. I didn't want to see myself. The main character was the victim of love gone terribly wrong. Now she lived in fear of any affection. She was stubborn and avoided any thoughts of romance. Eventually a persistent cowboy won her heart and she allowed someone to love her again.

I loved the story more with each turn of the page. Unfortunately, after I finished the book I was left with my thoughts and reality. I couldn't escape into her world. I hadn't found a persistent cowboy that owned deep affections for me. I still had her bitterness and her inability to forgive. Romance books are good for one thing. A bonfire.

I hate when reality ruins a descent story. A happy ending? Of course a happy ending! The main character overcame her fears, doubts, and inadequacies. Prince charming accepted her for who she was and continued to love her. Reality check, Tamara. Don't fool yourself into think this man exists. He was made up by a female author to torture single women.

College Snafu

I know I was obedient to God when I applied to Taylor. I know that God directed my steps and sent encouragement. But, circumstances now dictate that I reevaluate what the Lord's desire is for me. Taylor's Fort Wayne campus is ending all traditional, undergraduate programs. They are transferring all undergraduate classes to the Upland campus.

This news sent many freshmen girls into crying fits. I understand their heartache. It is hard to handle a shaking of this magnitude. It may feel like their dreams are being put on hold or even dying all together. Although I shared their heartache, I still have peace.

I am surprised that I have peace during a very difficult time. I recently had a pay cut. I lost 24 hours of pay. This did not even phase me. I am not unaware of the financial crisis in America. I realize that I will be facing difficulties in the present and the future. I have known for a long time that God wants our full attention. He is willing to send difficulty to wake us up.

I have been asking God what my prayer life should look like. Working and being a part-time student slowed my diligent prayer life. I basically left IHOP all together. Now that school and work have been minimized in my life I have no doubt that the prayer room is my next destination. Please pray for me as I seek God's plan.

Corey is Coming to Town

One of my favorite speakers is Corey Russell. The first time I heard him speak was also the first time I left a sermon completely disheveled. There are a couple of reasons that I love hearing him speak.

1. He lives a devoted life of prayer and a passionate pursuit of the knowledge of God.
2. He is a voice and not an echo.
3. When he gives a sermon he does not follow the common practice. He does not simply bring notes and simple speak on a subject. He makes the moment count. He prayers through out the sermon and engages your heart. He speaks for the soul purpose of an real encounter with God not just a list of guidelines.

I would encourage you, if you are anywhere near Fort Wayne on the weekend of November 7th COME TO THIS MEETING!!!! Here is the LINK for more detailed information.

If you haven't heard him speak before and are curious here is a MESSAGE to sample. It is roughly 63minutes.

You're a Hero

Christians should fit a mold. They are to be loving, compassionate, meek, generous, and humble. These quality traits make us heroes! As I read my Bible I become more aware of the fact that dedicated Christians are heroes. Christians who have surrendered their life to the Lord become influential in their communities. They impact the world in profound ways.

There was a time when I was deeply frustrated with my walk. I would compare my life to the Biblical example of the twelve disciples, David, and Daniel. I saw my life as mediocre when compared to these great men. I wrestled with God about this insecurity. I want to be significant. I want to be a testimony. I want to change history. I want to move heaven and earth. Do you share this desire? You should. God calls us to live a life that is extraordinary. I am not talking about becoming famous. (Though this might just be what God has ordained for you.) I am talking about restoring the world back to Jesus. That is our mandate!

As I am training to become a professional writer I am starting to realize the weight of my words. My teachers have shared stories about how they wrote a devotional. This devotional stopped a kid from committing suicide. That is my goal. I don't want to become a professional writer so I can be successful and make money. I don't want to flaunt a God-given talent so I can receive praise from men. I want to save lives. You are a hero. God has given you the privilege of restoring broken souls back to their maker! There is no greater call.

God is a Provider

My roommates had a desk they no longer needed. It is extremely nice and will be extremely helpful considering all the school work I will be doing. This was a major blessing and completely unexpected. Thank you Whiteley's and Jesus!

I also acquired another possession today. My father called me up and asked if I was busy today. I had some homework, but I had time to spare. Many of you saw the post of my Buick. Recently it was in an accident. It wasn't my fault and we collected a nice sum from the insurance. My father was extremely generous and bought me a new car today! My father is wonderful and I love him more every day. What a testimony of God's provision! It has a CD player, a sun roof, and a trunk. I had to live without a trunk while driving the Buick. The trunk lid was held together with a rope. I couldn't really use the trunk without a hassle. I will love my trunk and everything else about my girly car. I call it girly because it is purple. :) Here are some pictures!

Disconnect

Have you ever dreamed about being as bold as Martin Luther? There are times I want to nail a list of errors onto the corrupted organization of religion we call church. We really have drifted away from scripture and I think Jesus would separate Himself from much of the activities of the modern church.

I have been disoriented in the last few days. I had a conversation with a young man. We were discussing the sermon by Johnathan Edwards, Sinner in the Hand of an Angry God. I happen to love that sermon because it encouraged me to revere and fear the Lord. This young man claimed that this sermon was evil and not a good representation of the compassionate heart of Jesus. I will allow him to believe this and I don't disagree with him completely.

But, then he made this comment. "Hell does not exist yet. It will be created after the last judgment day." I had never heard of this concept. This young man was convinced that hell was for the future and people were not suffering in hell at this moment. They were in a holding cell waiting for the final day of judgment. I understand why he believed this in light of some chapters in Revelation. But, I can also dispute this claim with stories from the Old Testament. This conversation sent me into a frustrating conversation with myself.

To understand my frustration you may want to read Isaiah chapter one. I am tired of going to church, singing repetitive worship songs, attending Bible studies, and still not knowing Jesus. People want unity so desperately that they have given up on absolute truth. We create various versions of the Lord to keep ourselves comfortable. We delude ourselves into thinking that if God works in mysterious ways we will never fully know Him. The phrase "God works in mysterious ways" is not even a Bible verse. It is a cliche that leaders use to excuse their laziness in seeking the Lord.

I think God has started to dull the minds of most. He has made us blind and we have become comfortable in our blindness. We may be passionate about what we believe. We may hold to an opinion with stubbornness and assurance. But so does the next guy who believe the complete opposite! Passion and confidence does not make us right. It only deludes us into thinking we must be right.

We are in a critical hour. Will we attach ourselves to the current church with hope that God is behind her? Will we accept others into the fold even if they believe differently than us? Will we become extreme, conservative, and stubborn and miss the compassion of Jesus? Will we find comfort in a corporate setting or cling to our individuality on the basis of principle? I do not know what my next steps are. I don't know because I believe there is a famine of the word of the Lord. Our idols have hidden us from God.

Compartmentalization

I hate church compartmentalization! Ministries are separated into age and interest groups. There is a senior ministry, a youth ministry, a divorce ministry, and a prayer ministry. I hate this about churches. If I am a committed member of our young adult's group suddenly I am limited in various ways. I can't choose to attend another service on Sunday night because that is when the young adults meet. I can't attend a Ceder Point trip with the youth because I am older than eighteen. I can't make connections with mature Christian seniors and gain from their wisdom.
This compartmentalization is killing our church. Unity becomes impossible. I have become so frustrated with this that I have no idea how to address it. Our whole church structure is built on a faulty concept. It is a seeker friendly flaw. You connect people with people that are similar to them. This way they feel comfortable and have a sense of belonging. Unfortunately, this causes a lack of spiritual growth and insight. It is essential that churches connect younger people to the older generation. It is essential that the youth connect with young adults to prepare them for the future. And divorced members need to hang out with people celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.