His Desire Is For Me

Worthy and Rejected

2012-02-13T22:18:00.002-05:00

"He was despised and forsaken of men,
a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief;
and like one from whom men hide their face .
He was despised, and we did not esteem Him."

I am attracted to the meekness of my Lord. It continues to marvel my soul that He chose sorrow over vanity. He chose rejection over acceptance. He chose jeers over applause. In those moments, when He could have called fire down from heaven, He chose to aquaint Himself with sufferings. I will never understand that humility, but it will intrigue me for eternity.

He didn't only experience rejection during His earthly ministry; He continues to experience rejection. Not only from those who discount His rule, but from me, a self-proclaimed devoted follower. How often I disrespect His holiness. How often I ignore His leading. How often I take His everlasting love for granted. How often I despise and esteem Him not.

How helpful for me that He is acquainted with a state of rejection and knows how to handle Himself. He doesn't rely on the world's affirmations. He doesn't require that I build His ego. He doesn't need a spec of dust to remind Him of His worth.

Even more astounding: He finds treasure in those rejections. He finds solitude and suffers. He escapes into the hurt and produces something divine and humble. He experiences a character of godliness. An attribute that only Jesus can truly express. For He is the only one found worthy of all praise and yet men despise Him. He doesn't wallow in self-pity. He produces unconditional love and resides in meekness.

The Worship Restraint

2012-02-08T21:16:00.002-05:00

I am still making the transition into a new community. I attended a small prayer gathering. I went in with some trepidation. After all, I have attended multiple prayer gatherings, filled with fervency and intimate worship. I knew I would be surrounded by strangers, but my soul would be familiar with my God. I have no restraint on prayer when I engage the Spirit. When I am before the throne, my words come with rivers of emotion, feelings, and gravity. When I pray, I don't lie to myself. I pray what the Spirit moves upon my heart to pray. It might be raw, it might offend, it might be transparent, it might be personal, it might be intimate, and it might be convicting. I was fearful that I might explode before them. The love of the Spirit is untamed.

There I was pouring out my prayers before strangers. I couldn't restrain myself. Once I started, my love for the Lord spilled over. Out of the heart, the mouth the speaks. After a few prayers, I latched my mouth shut. I needed to reign myself in or I would expel into the air all the beauties of God. Those pearls need to be encased in the heart for now. It is wisdom, after all, to ponder things in our hearts. It is wisdom to save our worship and love for the prayer closet.

I ran back to the prayer closet to expel those mysteries into the atmosphere. God is beautiful. He is worthy of every affection of the human heart and my affections weren't easily quieted.

The song attached to this blog is ministering to me in profound ways. Audrey Assad verbalizes my spiritual ache with simplicity and innocence of heart. How often I have restrained my worship for fear of rejection or disruption. However, there are moment when the inner-Mary bubbles to the surface. I gush with tears that wet His feet. There are moments when we will be unrestrained before the Lord and we will be disheveled before the crowds and Pharisees.

In The Presence Of My Enemies

2012-02-07T18:09:00.003-05:00

"You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies."

Sharing my testimony is not always easy. However, I know God uses the darkness of my past to bring healing and restoration to others who feel rejected and disillusioned. I want to be painfully transparent in this blog because I feel there is someone who desperately needs to know they aren’t alone in their struggle.

I honored the congregation of my local church and those of my faith community. My body of believers showed unrelenting compassion and wept when they spoke of the Lord Jesus. Their worship was genuine and their prayers were fervent. The community was dedicated to rescuing the orphan, ending abortion, feeding the poor, housing the homeless, and welcoming the stranger. I knew that all organizations were flawed, so when any conflict arose, I accepted it as inevitable. I loved the people and worked through those conflicts with grace.

However, I came to realize that one flaw was not compatible with my broken heart: they didn’t have the power to cast out my demon.

Now this flaw didn’t make the community "less Christian". It only meant I would never feel safe or satisfied within that community. Why? Because I was dealing with an angry, violent, deceptive, nasty, perverse demon. When you are afflicted by such a curse, you aren’t able to sit in a pew and sing deliverance songs without deliverance. I had to find people who had the faith and the daily fast ritual to conquer it.

I was battling levels of darkness that I couldn't conquer alone. I needed a community dedicated to fighting with me. I needed a church who clung to the promise given to Peter: "Upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of hell will not overpower it." I was tormented by hell, and I needed a community to storm heaven for breakthrough. I needed people who were willing to investigate the evil and bring light to the situation.

I am now searching for a church that contends for the miraculous without restraint. This means they don’t have comfortable Sunday church. They actually function as a house of prayer. I believe there are churches who will partner with me. They don’t just use “faith” as a trendy slogan to hype the young adult crowd. They actually give themselves to rigorous prayer, disciplined faith, and arduous fasting. They aren't overwhelmed if the sermon is interrupted by a demon. They expect it. They know the enemy will rage when God is glorified. When it happens, they are ready with scripture and prayer.

That is my hope. That is my vision. I believe God wants to lavish His love on me. He wants to give me a community that will rescue me from the pit. I will be a testimony of God's deliverance. I will be a walking testimony of community done right! I have a hope and a calling. It is one of glory and freedom!

This past weekend I attended a conference led by the Catalyst Training School from Tacoma, Washington. The speaker gave a word that God was calling the Upland community to prayer with fasting. The local church is just beginning to grasp the reality that God wants His message to be accompanied with power.

I feel renewed because I have the faith and the boldness to believe a community can deliver the oppressed. I know there are many accusations against me. However, my testimony will not defame the Lord’s name. In the end, He will receive the glory. His name carries all the power. I won't just receive deliverance. I will be a voice who proclaims the freedom that comes with the kingdom. Matthew 17:15-22

Not Ashamed of God

2012-02-05T15:00:00.001-05:00

I found a conversation on Facebook between a Christian and an atheist. The atheist was quoting scriptures of God-ordained genocide and animal sacrifice. He used these scriptures to prove that the God of the Bible was not a God of love, but a God of depravity and moral evil. The Christian admitted to wrestling with these scriptures, but then reminded the man of the revelation of Jesus. She showed how the Old Testament was a record of how God dealt with Israel through the Mosaic law. Now the New Testament is a revelation of a new covenant. I think her presentation of the Gospel was accurate and delivered in love. I think she approached the subject by the Spirit.

This exchange of words, caused me to ponder the nature of God and our conception of Him. I have never been offended by God's past actions. His firey judgments never caused me to be ashamed. I never detested His wrath. This wasn't out of ignorance. I knew He killed the firstborn of the Egyptian children. I knew lambs were slaughtered in the temple. I knew Sodom and Gomorrah suffered by fire. I knew people groups were slaughtered by the Israeli army by the command of God, women and children. This knowledge never caused me to revile God. It made me fear Him. It made me long to obey Him. It made Him holy. I don't think most humans, even devoted Christians, respond the same. They don't search these actions because they can't accept that God would act in such a violent manner.

I think for me it relies on the issue of faith. I believe the Bible is the word of God. I believe that the testimonies in the word of God are true. I don't have the luxury to revile God's actions because I have no doubt that He is God; therefore, His actions can not be questioned. Without faith it is impossible to please God.

I think I fell in love with the story Twilight for this very reason. Bella loves Edward despite his fatal flaw. Edward wants to kill Bella. He secretly wants to kill everyone around him. However, he practices restraint and shows compassion. This is a parallel to the nature of God. He is showing restraint. He is a jealous, consuming fire! He is raging with zeal for truth, righteousness, and holiness. He hates impurity, falsehood, lies, misconceptions, injustice, idolatry, and everything that exalts itself above the knowledge of God. He kills anything that is tainted by sin. Yet, He chooses to encase himself in human flesh and atone for those sins. He restrains Himself and hide this fire, so that we might live. He knows we can't comprehend the God who plans to wipe out the planet by fire. That is who He is! That is who we serve. That is who we must place our faith in to be saved. I admit I love the fire in His eyes.

Single for Life

2012-02-04T12:32:00.000-05:00

Now that most of my friends are married and having children, I am satisfied that God destined me for a life of singleness. Everyday this calling is confirmed. I find deep satisfaction in my singleness. The superior pleasures of pure devotion to Christ are not to be compared to the temporary love of marriage or the reward of children.
Unfortunately, I am battling a spirit of offence. I have experienced the power of singleness, and it is tempting to want everyone to experience it with me. When my friends tell me they are engaged, I don't always feel like celebrating. I am surrounded by college age students. This is the age when students date, flirt, and search for their soul mate. It bothers me. I can't engage in their conversations and pursuits. Honestly, it repulses me at times. It seems so frivolous and distracting. This offence carries over to my friends who have been married for years. I often wondered what singleness could have done for them. How it could have blessed them and blessed others.
I know in my mind that God has sanctified marriage. However, my heart is simply discontented with the model. I find it all fleeting and momentary. It would seem more productive for most to remain single and devote themselves to focused devotion and service.
As I have admitted, it is a spirit of offence. It is unhealthy for me to think such ill thoughts toward a acceptable and precious gift of love and community. I think I am simple enamored by the glorious beauty of my own experience. I should never expect others to process life in the same manner that I do.
However, I still hope there are men and women who can embrace singleness. I hope there are friends in my circle who embrace it. I don't want to be surrounded by married people. I hope I can have a few companions who receive the reward and beauty of singleness.

He Made Me Blush In Front of Strangers with the Same Spirit

2012-01-29T23:51:00.002-05:00

I am going through the process of finding a local church to call home. This endeavor is an emotional circus. I feel terrible for non-believers who have to enter the church atmosphere. I am a believer and I was intimidated on multiple levels.

I wasn't sure what door to enter, wasn't sure if I was properly dressed, wasn't sure if I could raise my hands in worship, wasn't sure how to take communion.

With all these misdirects, I needed to keep my spiritual eyes peeled. I needed to make sure their theology was sound. I was a spiritual investigator who felt overwhelmed by all the factors that define a healthy community.

However, in the midst of my "scoping out the place", I was still able to feel the presence of God. During the morning service, I was told that another church was holding services in the same building later that evening. Since I was "church shopping" I figured this was a great opportunity- two birds with one stone.

I went home and rested. As evening came, I doubted if I even wanted to go through the process again. I would only feel misplaced. Do I really want to be exposed to more traditions that are unfamiliar to me? Well, I went anyway.

It was a smaller crowd. I weaseled into the room and shyly sat down. I knew a few people, and we had a friendly conversation. The service began. During worship, a woman painted on a canvas. They had a prophetic art ministry. What does she paint? Palm trees!
For those of you who don't know- palm trees are the most intimate symbol of God's love toward me. They are spoken of in Songs of Solomon, and my name means palm tree. Palm Sunday is my favorite holiday.

As I watch this lady paint these palm trees, I am turning red. Blushing! I am trying to hide my face because I am madly in love with Jesus and I am afraid everyone in the room will think I am bizarre. When you are struck by love, you react. However, I am sitting in a room of strangers. I am moved by the Spirit of love and can barely contain my affection. I want to weep and laugh. However, I must recoil into a ball and hope no one can scoff at my love sickness. They don't know me yet, so they can't share in my joy.

Soon after service, I bust out the door and look into the night sky. I look at the billions of stars. I place my hand over my mouth because I am overcome with the love of God. How intense and how focused it is. I know everyone experiences His love. I know the body of Christ is ONE, and we all share the same Spirit. I know I am connected to these strangers in a profound and supernatural way that I can't grasp yet.

I will return next Sunday, and they will learn that I love Jesus. They will learn that I am filled with the same Holy Spirit. They will find out about my struggles, and I will minister to their wounds. They will learn that I blush when I see a palm tree. They may roll their eyes at such a confession, but they will be forced to accept it anyway.

Prayer? What's That?

2012-01-28T18:35:00.000-05:00

My identity is found in prayer. As I lift my voice inintercession, I feel distinctive. I sense God’s pleasure. However, I grappleover this supernatural articulation. My prayer life is constantly evolving. Mytheology about prayer remains clouded. I never doubt its effectiveness, but Idoubt its expression.

I speak in tongues. I physically react to God’s presence. I feelheat in my body when the Spirit moves upon me. I see visions. I hear theaudible voice of God. I weep for hours in prayer.

However, I can also remain silent and stoic. I can mocksomeone who falls under the power of God’s spirit. I question the prayer movementand wonder if prayer warriors are religious nuts. I am a skeptic when heaven’s ceiling isbrass. I want to say my prayer life is definable and a solid foundation, but it is not.

Even though I believe prayer is the soul defining expressionof my life, I still consider it a mystery.

Low on Charisma

2012-01-23T23:14:00.003-05:00

I must apologize to you, my cool friends. I want to join you with your savvy. Nonetheless, I am forced to embrace my awkwardness. I have no power to conquer it. I am the Johnny Depp of Hollywood. My hair looks like a porcupine. I carry an aura of bizarre with me. God placed a mantle-of-odd on my bent back.

If given the chance, I would escape my awkwardness in a heartbeat. Alas, this behavioral ailment is not easily cured.

Artist, prophets, and intellectuals are naturally eccentric. I should just accept my silliness as an occupational hazard. However, awkwardness comes with some ugly words: rejection, misunderstood, reviled, strange, and the list continues.

Eccentricity is a hard trait to embrace. The craving for isolation lingers in the mind. If isolation doesn't work, it is tempting to create a false persona, hoping others will like me.

There is still hope for those who are misplaced.

We are welcomed by God. He is not a snob.

This heinous world promotes beauty and charisma. The first is fleeting and the other is deceptive. (Proverbs 31:30) Remember, God doesn't regard the opinions of man. Reputation belongs to the Lord. He regards those who are lowly and awkward.

Do You Know Your Brother?

2012-01-18T01:14:00.001-05:00

I keep envisioning my close friends and family investigating Romans 14 together. The principles are relevant to our current spiritual season. The chapter contains essential jewels of wisdom, which will help with restoration and healing. This chapter presents a fundamental message of love, which I fear the body of Christ unwittingly abandoned.

Romans 14 (Taken from the English Standard Version)
Feel free to read your own version
As for the one who is weak in faith, welcome him, but not to quarrel over opinions. ² One person believes he may eat anything, while the weak person eats only vegetables. ³ Let not the one who eats despise the one who abstains, and let not the one who abstains pass judgment on the one who eats, for God has welcomed him. ⁴ Who are you to pass judgment on the servant of another? It is before his own master that he stands or falls. And he will be upheld, for the Lord is able to make him stand.
⁵ One person esteems one day as better than another, while another esteems all days alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind. ⁶ The one who observes the day, observes it in honor of the Lord. The one who eats, eats in honor of the Lord, since he gives thanks to God, while the one who abstains, abstains in honor of the Lord and gives thanks to God. ⁷ For none of us lives to himself, and none of us dies to himself. ⁸ For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord's. ⁹ For to this end Christ died and lived again, that he might be Lord both of the dead and of the living.
¹⁰ Why do you pass judgment on your brother? Or you, why do you despise your brother? For we will all stand before the judgment seat of God; ¹¹ for it is written,
“As I live, says the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God.”
¹² So then each of us will give an account of himself to God.
¹³ Therefore let us not pass judgment on one another any longer, but rather decide never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother. ¹⁴ I know and am persuaded in the Lord Jesus that nothing is unclean in itself, but it is unclean for anyone who thinks it unclean. ¹⁵ For if your brother is grieved by what you eat, you are no longer walking in love. By what you eat, do not destroy the one for whom Christ died. ¹⁶ So do not let what you regard as good be spoken of as evil. ¹⁷ For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. ¹⁸ Whoever thus serves Christ is acceptable to God and approved by men. ¹⁹ So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding.
²⁰ Do not, for the sake of food, destroy the work of God. Everything is indeed clean, but it is wrong for anyone to make another stumble by what he eats. ²¹ It is good not to eat meat or drink wine or do anything that causes your brother to stumble. ²² The faith that you have, keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who has no reason to pass judgment on himself for what he approves. ²³ But whoever has doubts is condemned if he eats, because the eating is not from faith. For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin.

Jesus Uprising

2012-01-13T17:04:00.002-05:00

I like to watch Al Jazeera because it is the only newsstation that gives continuous coverage of the Arab protests. As I watch theserevolutions unfold, I believe I receive a more accurate image of the earthlyministry of Jesus.

The way movies depict Jesus is laughable. Directors portrayJesus as a harmless and docile victim.

Jesus was arevolutionary who stirred crowds. He purposely ruffled the religious leader’sfeathers. He instigated change. He inspired people. He was masculine. He was acarpenter! He was rugged. These Arab protestersremind me of Jesus.

As these protesters fight to overthrow their corruptgovernments, I see a flash in their eyes. I see their spark, their youth, theirvigor, their passion, and I see a hint of what Jesus carried with him to thecross.

Jesus messed with the status quo. He didn’t allow people toremain complacent. He rattled the cages of everyone: whether Jewish,Roman, or Samaritan. He raised His voice, went to a high hill, performedmiracles, made radical claims, and wasn’t afraid to offend others.

In my humble opinion, this makes him more attractive. NowJesus can’t be ignored. Now He can change the world. His hands are dirty, hisvoice is coarse, and his eyes are fiery. He is a man to be respected andfollowed. A man who is worthy to open the scroll and ride a white horse.

My Jewish Oddity

2012-01-12T23:45:00.001-05:00

I rip the Christmas wrapping and then pull a silver menorahout of a cardboard box. I squeal in delight. Rachel and Danny know thispurchase is appreciated. It is the best Christmas present ever! Anotheronlooker, Heather, is mystified by my exuberance.

“Tamara, why do you like Judaism so much?” she asks.

“Because Jesus was Jewish!” I reply.

A few months earlier, a similar conversation happens. I amwalking in the mall with my friends, Joy and Joe. We pass a kiosk with a signthat reads: Hand carvings from the HolyLand. I squeal and drool over every carving. The kiosk vendor speaks with aMiddle Eastern accent. He looks Jewish. My blood starts to race. My breathingincreases, and I feel like I am about to faint. We finish gawking at thetrinkets and head for the exit. I giggle and talk with Joy about theexperience. I tell her how marvelous the entire experience felt.

Joe asks, “Why do you get so excited over an accent?”

I don’t know how to answer. It isn’t something I intentionallydo. It is automatic. It isn’t something I control or conjure up. The same raceas Jesus?!! Standing a few steps away from me? It messes with my chemistry.

Experiences like this happen to me often. They single meout. A few days ago, our theatre touring group is discussing a trip to Florida.My director announces we might perform for a Jewish community. Everyone in theroom remains as they are, not me. I gasp in delight. My blood races. I feellike the Lord has handed me a rare diamond. I expect everyone else to smile andbeam at each other. They remain calm and unmoved. I want to dance! I want to whoopand holler! Performing for a crowd of Jewish people? What more could I ask for?

I now know my fascination with the Jewish race is an oddity.I use to think that all Christians instinctively valued the Jewish race. No.Christians treat the Jews just like any other race. I suppose that is thehumane response. “All men are created equal”.

However, I can’t treat Jews the same as every race. There issomething programed into my soul. I physically react to the Jewish presence.Whenever someone tells me they are of Jewish decent, I feel instantly enamoredby them. They can be the vilest person, and I still consider them heavenly. Ieven have a soft spot for the Pharisees. I know, I know. Jesus hated those hypocrites.However, for whatever reason…the Jewish race and their traditions inspire me,feed me, and draw me into beauty.

My cousin, Laura, married a Jew. When he smiles, I can’t even look him in the face. I am too awestruck. If I hear theHebrew language spoken, I get chills and sometimes experience minor convulsions.In my rational mind, I think…”Tamara, they are just normal human beings. Justlike you. Just like everyone else.” However, just knowing that Jesus was a Jew.Just that tiny piece of knowledge makes my physical body and my soulvulnerable. I can’t explain it because it isn’t something I understand. Myspirit comes alive in the presence of the Jewish race. I feel a deep kinshipwith them. I can’t explain it and I can’t escape it. They are beautiful and Iam odd.

Leaving Fort Wayne

2012-01-08T11:28:00.001-05:00

I am no longer working in Fort Wayne. I wasn't fired. I simply decided to get a job closer to campus. I will no longer be driving into Fort Wayne during the weekend.This burdens my soul. I feel like I am abandoning my community. I know Fort Wayne is my home. I know First Assembly is my church. I know IHOPFW is my family. I know I belong there. However, God is calling me away for a time.
I am leaving during a pivotal time. I witnessed a community of faith break fellowship. I did not expect it. God is asking me to heal these divisions. He is asking me to restore what was broken. To minister to the wounds and clarify the theology. At the same time, He is hiding me. He is protecting me from the pain. My heart is in Fort Wayne, but my mission is in Upland.
Tension remains. I know God is about to do something in Fort Wayne. It may be glorious; it may be terrifying. I want to be a witness. I don't want to miss it. I don't know how to settle my heart.

Can You See Him?

2012-01-02T21:02:00.000-05:00

Recently, I have been awakened to a new search. Often when we think of the Spirit, we think about an invisible force. I was taught in Sunday School that the Holy Spirit is one with God. He is God. He is a person. I am asking the hard question. Can I see the Holy Spirit? He is on earth. He was sent to the earth. Does He manifest Himself? We talk about seeing angels and visions. Does the Spirit have an essence that can be seen? I know it is not a common thought. I wanted to search this concept out, but it isn't spoken of in Christian circles. Will Jesus reveal the Holy Spirit before His return? What will He look like? I don't think the Holy Spirit is invisible, but I don't know what that actually means. Our eyes must be partially blinded. The Holy Spirit doesn't look like our breath or wind. He is an actual being. We just can't see Him. Lord open our eyes.

My New Year's Testimony

2012-01-02T18:27:00.001-05:00

Happy New Year!

Last New Years, I took a trip to One Thing in Kansas City. As I was driving to the conference, I was flooded with holy fear. I knew this trip would cause a great shaking. I had expectation for greatness, but I also knew it would come with shaking. I knew it would come with labor. I knew it would hurt. I felt my soul quaking within me.
God came with such fury that I was almost rushed to the hospital. I was taken into an ambulance. The ambulance attendant kept asking me to answer three simple questions. I couldn't open my mouth. I tried, but it wouldn't open. I kept hearing the phrase "They say there is peace, but there is no peace."
This holy fear overcame me. I tried to return to a normal state. Calm myself. The ambulance worker insisted that I answer the questions. These questions are used to see if a person has experienced a mental breakdown. I tried to answer the questions, but my entire body was reeling from the experience. Suddenly, a calm fell on my body. I was able to open my mouth, and I spoke with one of the ambulance workers. Here is the conversation.
Tamara: What just happened?
Worker: That is what we are trying to figure out.
Tamara: Do you have a bible. Could you read some verses to me?
Worker: Well, I am not a religious man.
(He put his head down. I let out a slight laugh. It seemed silly to me that he was an ambulance worker and yet he considered himself irreligious. I smiled at him and he seemed to appreciate it.)
Tamara: What are the three questions?
Worker: What is your name?
Tamara: Tamara Peachy
Worker: What is the date?
Tamara: Well I haven't seen a clock in awhile, but it is close to 2011. It is either December 31 or January 1.
Worker: Who is president?
Tamara: Obama
The ambulance workers all laughed together. I guess they weren't expecting a moment of complete sanity! They didn't take me to the hospital. My father drove to Kansas City and returned me home. I went into the hospital. During my hospital visit, I had some powerful, supernatural visions. I have shared these visions with few people. I haven't told them what I saw because it isn't for them to know. However, I know God is the God who answers by fire. He is powerful. He is a lion. He is a warrior. He is unable to be tamed.

This New Years I spent alone with Jesus. God came and answered a secret request. This request has been burning on my heart for almost 7 years. It is probably the greatest longing of my heart. God gave it to me on January 1! I am ready for shaking because my soul's cry is satisfied. I want to say I am excited about this new year. However, after God answered my prayer request, my holy fear increased. I think God is coming like He promised. I wish I had more time to express this truth. He is coming! And you don't have much time left. Trust me.

Hijab

2011-12-26T11:55:00.002-05:00

I envy the Muslim woman for one thing: the hijab. I think head covers are the most elegant expression of a woman's true beauty. It speaks of humility, submission, and inner beauty. I wish I could wear these every day.
Now one might ask, "Well then why don't you?" Unfortuntally, it is no longer culturally acceptable. If you wear a head covering, people assume you are Muslim. I don't want other to think I worship Allah. That is a wretched defilement of the truth. Yeshua is the true God!
I was watching The Nativity Story and I was struck by the beauty of Mary in the movie. Her head covering wasn't ornate. It was made of a simple, boring material. However, it made her raident. Mary's greatest quality was her humility and discretion.
I wish I could start a female revolution in the Christian world. I wish we could fall in love with modesty.I even thought about creating head dresses that have Christian images on them. Fashion statement!
I would never force anyone to wear modest clothing. The Holy Spirit gives us more than the need to obey His laws; He gives us the "want" to obey His laws.

A Time for Silence

2011-12-18T14:08:00.001-05:00

Proverbs is full of wisdom. While meditating on these nuggets of gold, I have decided to step away from facebook. Facebook is an excuse to lose discretion. It is structured in such a way that our tongues become idols. In Proverbs 1, wisdom is found crying out. Later, wisdom discerns the season and turns to silence.

Coming Soon

2011-12-02T16:04:00.001-05:00

Most radical Christians know that Christ is coming soon. They believe the faithful and true proclamations in Revelation, which attest that His return will be swift. During political upheaval, it is easy to latch on to this notion. After all, God said there will be wars and rumors of war. There will be famines and earthquakes. It seems to me that these birthing pains are increasing.
I have the scary mission of writing an essay for my class, which talks about the UN's dealing with Israel. I have had multiple dreams about this topic now. I guess it is on my heart. But, I started writing the essay and felt the necessity to use Psalm 2 as a reference. It isn't even a text I need to manipulate to fit. It speaks directly to what I am writing about in the essay. I also listened to this prayer set (LINK) while I was searching for journals online. It messed with my passivity and lack of expectancy. God is coming to reign!

This Is War

2011-11-29T21:44:00.001-05:00

We know what conception is medically; however, we don't grasp the full weight of its immensity. Life created by the connection of two people. We know what abortion is medically; however we don't grasp the full weight of its destructive power. Currently, we are at war. At war with surgical weapons of mass destruction. As I consider the innocent lives lost, I must consider my role. Am I to shout rethoric, and pray diplomacy works in the end? Can my conscience truly bare the weight of blood spilled? Can I hope politocal leaders will take office and end the travisty? The battle continues to rage. I am undone by the alliegation that a baby is fetal tissue. I feel powerless to combat it because the pro-choice movement no longer hears, no longer sees. Hollocaust! My dear friends! Hollocaust.
My demands: abortion becomes illegal in all 50 states and no funding goes to support abortion outside the US. These are demands that must be met in my lifetime or my life is mute. Like Martin Luther before me, I preach peaceful protest. However, my body aches because I fear this holy timidity will only feed the demon of death.

As such, I will ask for protective measures that do not require violence. Seek out teenagers who are not prepared to be mothers., love them and serve them Preach the truth to the medical community. Fill Facebook, Youtube, and all forms of social media. Text and tweet. Let us join together and combat this mighty evil.

Death Raised

2011-11-29T18:18:00.001-05:00

I have my tangled, shrouded, perilous sins forgiven

without a pious heart

because God is merciful and healing from a bruised body.

I will try to prove my strength

and flash my golden idol face.

I will dance of victory

and fall in the mud prepared for me, the grave.

As I set my eyes on Thee who conquered like a violent grip

because You never let go of someone fallen.

Favorite

2011-11-12T03:31:00.001-05:00

I wrote this when I was sleepy. Sorry for the messy, incoherent language.

"We are all God's favorite!"

Many Christians believe that the above statement is 100% accurate. I believe that percentage is too high. God does have favorites. We can't all be His favorite. I can even prove it through scripture.

1. Jesus had 12 disciples. Jesus selected them with care and bestowed favor on them. He gave them the secrets to the kingdom, while He hid the truth from the masses by speaking in parable. He wanted an inner circle that had special access.

2. God has two seats prepared in heaven, which are to the right and the left of Jesus. Whomever receives these places of honor will be granted favor.

3. There are many other examples: "Jacob I love, Esau I hate". God favored David over King Saul. The entire Old Testament speaks about God handing the blessing to some, not all. Showing favor to certain people, like Abraham.

Favoritism is exclusive; not inclusive. For someone to be favored, there must be a ranking system. The word "favorite" requires it. I don't think everyone is God's favorite. I think someone is God's favorite.

I write this because I know someone who God favors more than myself. It creates envy and strife in my heart. I am struggling to understand it. However, I know God's passionately loves this male friend of mine more than He loves me. This may sound crazy. It may sound unthinkable. However, I know this man and I understand that God selected him for a specific purpose. For that purpose to be fulfilled he must have unmerited favor. Tamara is envious, but humbled.

I assume comments may arrive. I am curious if anyone agrees with my assessment.

Without

2011-11-01T22:48:00.001-04:00

Tonight in prayer, I had to cry. It felt strange because nothing has recently moved me to tears. Tonight, my empty room mocked me. I wanted His touch. I wanted to see His eyes. I wanted to smell His perfumes. I wanted to hear His voice, not some conception in my head. I wanted the voice ringing in my ear. Jesus, I want you. You are fully God and fully Man. I desire your wholeness.
Is it selfish of me to long for that aspect of Jesus? He has other wonderful qualities beyond His physical beauty. However, tonight I contended for this reality without shame.
I am the widow who wouldn't leave the unrighteous judge alone (Luke 18:1-8).
Widows morn. They wail. They deeply desire. I want a ravenous spirit that doesn't wane. Now in my every day life, this rarely manifest because I must tame myself in public. However, the prayer room grants me the freedom to be unrestrained in my asking: aka demanding.
Join the cry: Come!

Dog Days are Over

2011-10-29T22:24:00.002-04:00

Recently, the book of Haggai is taking on new life.
Haggai 2:9
The latter glory of this house will be greater than the former,’ says the LORD of hosts, ‘and in this place I will give peace,’ declares the LORD of hosts.
I often thought the affection I felt in earlier days would never reignite in my heart. I thought the "glory days were over" and the "dog days" were here to stay. However, recently a greater glory is manifesting. I can envision more and more friends and family embracing the life of intercession. I can envision my heart healing and finding satisfaction in God alone. I feel like a bride again. The one who has His affections. I want to dance, sing, and rest in peace. Those horrific encounters seems like a small dint in my armor. I still have a sharp sword and a faith to move mountains.
Haggai 2:19
Even including the vine, the fig tree, the pomegranate and the olive tree, it has not borne fruit. Yet from this day on I will bless you.
Those hurts that robbed my worship are fading. They seem like a lingering mist that will disappear when the sun battles it. I am an overcomer.
Haggai is ONLY 2 chapters. You should meditate on it sometime this week. I'll make it easy for you: here is the link.

Engagement

2011-10-25T00:06:00.003-04:00

"These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is based on merely human rules they have been taught."

Did you learn how to worship in a church setting? Did your parents teach you the lyrics to Amazing Grace? Did you learn to raise your hands because you mimicked those around you? Is your worship second-handed. I would suggest that you enter into worship without rules, without preconceived postures. Corporate worship requires structure, but our intimate times with the Lord are untaught. They come from the purity of discovery. Submit your heart to God and He will lift you to untapped realms of glory.
We must be His. We must own our worship. We will be accountable, if it isn't true and heart felt. We must deliver ourselves from empty words and vain repeatition. Worship is an engagement.

Much More

2011-10-13T08:29:00.002-04:00

I am in a theatre production entitled We Will Not Be Silent. I know I have spoken about The White Rose in other blogs, so I won't attempt to explain their pursuits here. (You can learn about them HERE). You need to know: they were Germans' who wrote "treasonous" leaflets that called for the end of the Nazi regime during World War 2.

I have considered that my blog posts could be a contemporary resistance leaflet. There is a new holocaust, murder of the unborn. Now, after reading about The White Rose's bravery, I am compelled to do more to combat this evil, much more.

To begin this process, I will be deleting my personal blog, Walking in Her Shoes. I will convert His Desire for Me to give it a more personal tone with spiritual thoughts and daily life. A new blog will be created: with essays, art, personal stories, civil awareness, and prayers.

My Lips are Sealed

2011-10-07T12:51:00.002-04:00

Evangelism is a rigorous activity. I have shared the glorious gospel with unbelievers who reject it, as well as mock it. Unbelievers curse the church body and resist the Holy Spirit. I hate to admit it, but I am embittered. Due to the lack of reverence in this skeptical society, I have stopped evangelizing.

This is the season for the harvest. It is my moral duty to share the precious message of Jesus. However, every time I share the Gospel and then witness a rejection of that Gospel, my soul hurts. I am not only speaking about mourning for the hearers’ souls. I also don’t like to witness the trampling of a love that is worth more to me than any other affection.
It is very possible that I am simply not accurately representing Christ. I am willing to accept that the unbelievers’ rejections are due to a wrong representation on my part. My theology might be to blame as well. I think God’s love can draw anyone, without my help. I think Jesus saves the lost, and my “help” matters little.

Matthew 13:44 says, “The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.”
I think there are moments to hide what is precious to you. Even Jesus preached in parables so that “though seeing, they do not see; though hearing, they do not hear or understand” (Matthew 13:12-13). He knew those who would accept Him and those who would reject Him. He is justified in his secrecy; He is worthy. I may not be justified in my secrecy; however, as I said before- evangelism is a rigorous activity.

Redeemed

2011-10-05T22:22:00.000-04:00

Last month, I despised some of the trials given to me. These trials made me feel unlovable. These trials left me desitutue. I am no longer requiring explanations for past events. Job speaks these words: “God asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’ Surely I (Job) spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.”

Sometimes life is brutal, and we can’t rationalize why tragedy strikes. In the midst of my ordeal, I have found solace in one word: redeemer. As I read the love story of Ruth and Boaz, I am reminded that Ruth had very little to offer her future husband. She was living a tragedy. One man avoided the burden Ruth would place on him, completely rejecting her. However, Boaz joyfully rescued her from destitution and became her redeemer.

God redeems me. This ancient truth is newly moving and swirling in my spirit. I pray this astonishment will be imparted to my readers. When you need a refuge from rejection and poverty, run to your Redeemer.

Horrible Child!!

2011-09-28T22:02:00.001-04:00

Today I felt like the Lord wanted me to bless a young man with some money. I had some cash in my wallet, but the reality is I am broke. That money was already designated for food. I couldn’t follow through on His request. I kept the money in my pocket like a miser. As I drove away, I beat myself up. I yelled in the car, “God, I am terrible. You weren’t even asking that much of me! You have provided for me and been gracious time and time again. I am a horrible child!”

This rant continued into the grocery store. I grabbed some milk and bread, all the time feeling like a greedy thief. I begged God to redeem the situation. I walked down one of the aisle and a sweet lady posed a question.

“Can you help me? I am heading to the hospital and I can’t bend over. I need some apple sauce from the bottom shelf. Can you get it for me?”

Without a second thought, I said yes and placed the apple sauce in her hand. She thanked me like an angel: “That is your good deed for the day.”

God is faithful even when I am a mess. He prepares good works for me to do in advance! Yes, I disobeyed His command earlier, but God redeems those who acknowledge their failure and repent. I wouldn’t suggest disobeying in the first place. I also wouldn’t suggest beating yourself up. Look for opportunities to bless in God’s perfect timing.

Faithful to the End

2011-09-26T09:19:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I told God: “you need to pursue me because I have no strength left to pursue you.” Only a few hours later, I got a phone call from my friend, Joy. She told me about a skit she was writing. The skit was about a bridegroom pursuing a bride who wasn’t interested in him.

This is the gospel! God loved us before we loved him. When I am at my weakest, my Lord cries out for my strength. When I am oppressed, He bears that oppression. God comes after us with faithfulness. Even when we fail Him, He remains constant. His love is everlasting.

I feel ugly. I feel unlovable. I feel ungrateful. I don't have the strength to love like God does. It shames me, but His unfailing love is also my comfort and my joy.

Creation Walk

2011-09-20T09:58:00.002-04:00

Winter is lurking behind the corner. I am making every effort to enjoy the weather before the green grass is stifled by snow and the trees are left bare. I took a delightful early morning walk today. I looked for details and enjoyed the abundant wildlife (limited to birds, ants, and squirrels).

A man with bright red hair passed me on a bike. I observed that I had never seen such bright red hair before. After he passed, I looked down at the sidewalk to see grass peeking through, which had a red tint to it. I had never noticed the grass's red tint and I probably wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't encountered the redhead. It reminded me of a scripture passage.

"For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies." Romans 8: 19-23

I had another encounter during my walk; God speaks in abundance to those who watch and listen. Some rain clouds were still lingering in the air. However, the sun rose above a rain cloud and displayed its full brilliance. As the sun made an appearance, I walked past a large collection of pink and white flowers. I heard the spirit whisper, "This is God's bouquet for His bride." Another passage came to my memory.

"The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky aboveproclaims his handiwork. Day to day pours out speech, and night to night reveals knowledge. There is no speech, nor are there words, whose voice is not heard. Their voicegoes out through all the earth, and their words to the end of the world. In them he has set a tent for the sun, which comes out like a bridegroom leaving his chamber, and, like a strong man, runs its course with joy. Its rising is from the end of the heavens, and its circuit to the end of them, and there is nothing hidden from its heat." Psalms 19: 1-6

Daily Bread

2011-09-15T16:59:00.003-04:00

Now that I am a poor student who is trying to avoid financialworry, I have decided not to hoard. I will do this by a “daily bread” experiment.Instead of buying food at the beginning of the week to prepare for my week ofmeals, I will instead buy my meals each day, trusting God to provide.

Now I amsure dietitians are turning over in their graves. I am sure all those mothers,who have coupons and plans meals a month in advance, are petrified. However, sofar it has taught me about God's concern for the poor and God’s mandate forus not to be entangled by the “cares of the world and the deceitfulness of riches”.

My identity remainsin my reliance of God even in my poverty. I need to be a steward of myfinances, but that doesn’t mean I store food in barns. (Luke 12:16-21). Itmeans I am to be extravagant in giving, trusting, and serving. Since the experimentstarted I now notice it is a more pleasurable to eat food because it is an actof worship.

Not Yet

2011-09-12T07:21:00.002-04:00

God will never tempt. James 1:13 states “Let no one say when he is tempted, ‘I am being tempted by God,’ for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one.”

However, sometimes I feel like God is flirtatious. I am aware that flirtation is banned in the Bible, heavily in Proverbs. Therefore, I am not declaring that God is flirtatious. I am only admitting that I FEEL like He is flirting with His people.

On Friday night, I was listening to worship songs centered on the infinite faithfulness and beauty of God’s love toward us who believe. As I sat there, I complained to the Spirit. These songs stir my affections more, but they also make me feel broken. I can soak in His presence through the declarations of His goodness, but I can drown in my loneliness and the “not yet” of the Christian faith.

I hear, “He is faithful and true. He will return soon!” I believe it! I don’t mock His coming! I know He will come quickly! Yet, as always, I want Him not only to come quickly- I want Him to come more quickly.These love songs and rituals of declaring the goodness of God seem like a flirtation. It leaves me with the hope of more brilliance to come. It also leaves me with an ache for more.

A Song to Go Along

An Audience Poll

2011-09-10T21:26:00.001-04:00

I really enjoy creating videos or searching for videos on youtube to accentuate my blog post. However, I am aware that this action might annoy or frustrate my blog followers. Therefore, I have set up this poll to see what my reading audience truly thinks. This poll is anonymous. You won't hurt my feelings either way. I will take the results and hopefully create a more user friendly blog.

Spiritual Brag

2011-09-09T16:56:00.001-04:00

Night Vision

2011-09-08T10:39:00.001-04:00

I know God desires for me to share this dream on my blog. It may appear foolish to believe this dream is prophetic, but it is eerily close to Daniel's night vision recorded in chapter 7-8. It also comes at a time when I will be attending a mock UN conference in Chicago, where my class will represent Israel. (More about that in another blog I posted.)
I find this slightly humorous because Daniel 7 and 8 have always intrigued me, but I never assumed God would give me insight into the symbolic language. I don't know who the beasts represent and the language is archaic. However, the dream confirms that Daniel's night visions are for this season just as they were given to him for an earlier season. My dream is below.

There was a large beast that looked similar to a buffalo. He was rompingaround in what looked like a spacious complex with various apartments. Thehumans who lived in the area were concerned, but not panicked. Then the beastbegan to viciously battle a small beast, which had two horn. Another small beastwith one horn attempted to protect the two horned beast. As they fought,they went out of my view. Some families who lived in the complex were concernedfor other animals in the area. Some went to investigate the fight. The large beasthad killed multiple animals and the people fell on these animals and weptgreatly. I remember seeing a dead lamb and a dead lion. The results were catastrophic:so much so that any living animals began to mate with other animals, not oftheir kind, to preserve their species.

Already Defeated

2011-09-07T08:52:00.002-04:00

I don't often battle the devil. In my mind, he is already defeated. Prayingto reduce his influence seems unnecessary. As an intercessor, it should benatural to pick up the sword of truth and fight the principalities. However, Iseem to lack that vigor and fortitude.
I am reluctant to “take back what the enemy stole”. When I engage in thefight for recovery, I am only reminded of the hurt and loss. Satan’s attackswere brutal and he showed himself heartless.

Now I have a new strategy: remind Satan of his future. Satan may taunt meduring this life, but as I am conformed to the image of Jesus, his power willfade. Anything Satan says is birthed out of deceit and the fear of his finaldemise. He will rage. He will do unspeakable evil. These crimes are products ofa destructive lifestyle. They will lead to consequences. He willsuffer greatly, more than I will ever suffer.

I can go a bit further and remind myself of MY eternal future. I will comefrom the grave stronger, more beautiful, victorious, and I will reclaim all theground the enemy invaded. The enemy will see the white robe wrapped around meby God. The enemy will see the crown resting on my head. The enemy will see God’sglory and His plan of redemption unfold. That tangible, pure light will burn Satan’s eyes.

Broken

2011-09-05T00:50:00.000-04:00

I don’t often cry. It is a rare occasion. Our emotions are priceless and wasted tears are useless. I wassurprised when I heard the song, “Nothing” by the Script, I started crying. Idon’t drink, but I related to the rejection and the feelings of loss.

Then a sweet female prayed over me this Friday. Her spiritheard the word “broken”. She told me, “God acknowledges that brokenness andthose broken places. He will bring the two pieces together and give you peace.”She prayed with more detail, but I don’t care to share the personal details.

As she was praying, my heart swelled. I tried to remaincalm and pretend these words weren’t affecting me. However, the mere mention ofthe word “broken” caused my soul to weep. This specific brokenness is a hidden inner realitythat I often refuse to acknowledge. I stubbornly battle this brokenness with avoidence.

My pride spoke: “I am over the hurt. I’m fine. I am a big girl and biggirls don’t cry." However, my rationalities hold little power before an omniscientGod. He knows our secret trials.

The word that boomed in my soul was “acknowledged”.HE KNOWS! He sees my pain and He has no intentions of hurt toward me. He, as a warrior,will fight until all my tears are wiped away. He is faithful and never leavesmy side, closer than a brother.

My Heart Expands for the Holy Lands

2011-09-01T16:51:00.000-04:00

Today I was in my Global Governance class, a divine providence. My senses were pricked as I considered what this class will hold for me.The class will take a group trip to Chicago for a mock UN gathering. Students will represent countries. Taylor has the honor of representing Israel. I take this honor seriously.
The majority of the class appeared to support a Palestinian State. The teacher asked what are some words that the international community places on Israel. "Pushy" and "Illegitimate" were named. One student said,"Theologically, some consider it the chosen land." When that was said, most of the class laughed. I didn't join their laughter.
I love the Palestinian people who I know. It doesn't bother me that they want a state. It doesn't bother me that they want to be heard and respected. It doesn't bother me that they want to have a place to call home. It bothers me that people don't consider the land holy, whatever name it is given, Israel or Palestine.
I don't want to rattle people's political cages. I just want to state that, as a Christian, I think what happens in the Middle East is relevant to every human who has lived, is living, or will live. Jesus is jealous for that land. I am not a die hard Zionist (although I consider the history of that movement fascinating). As a believer, I honor the Jews and I honor the land that God chose to birth His Son.
As I study and prepare for the UN conference in Chicago, pray for wisdom, a gracious tongue, and a community of honor.

His Plan

2011-08-28T23:34:00.001-04:00

I am a queen in another kingdom, a kingdom not of this world. It is a kingdom that is not yet acknowledged by the nations and their kingdoms, but it is active now (Psalms 2). I am seated (presently) in heavenly places with Christ and I will rule and reign with Him. (Ephesians 2:1-7. Revelation 5:9-10, Revelation 22:1-5)

In Christ kingdom, I have dominion over realms and rule with perfect love and create perfect peace. In God’s economy, I am rich and extravagantly generous. I can drink from a river that never runs dry and I can live the life I crave- one of holiness.

It seems like a fairy tale, but is reality. That which was lost in Eden will be restored. God is good and His plan is to extravagantly lavish His love upon me. He is constantly growing in graciousness. Our future is unfathomable; it is beyond comprehension!

In this fallen world, I know my weaknesses. I know my failures. I know my shame. I know my darkness. I know my barrenness. However, I am reminded of my true identity in my Beloved Savior. I have a hope that outshines this temporary night. My future is one of beauty and without fault.
God won’t forsake His promise. He has boldly spoken in His word about His plan to redeem me. He will take these ashes and make beauty. He will take this pauper and make her a queen. He will take this harlot and make her a bride. I know He is for me. He will never forsake me in my weaknesses.

αργον

2011-07-29T22:05:00.001-04:00

The title to this blog is pronounced "are gone" in the English language. It is a Greek word translated like this: free from labour, at leisure, lazy, or shunning the labour which one ought to perform. This word is found in Matthew 12:36.

"But I say unto you, that every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment."
I will eventually be forced to "give account" for every word spoken. I lazily use words and I use them without pause. My words should be crafted with care, but often they just fall out of my mouth. I attempt to control my tongue, but James clearly states that it is impossible to tame the tongue (James 3:1-8).
There is a conception that if one repents of his or her misdeeds and his or her misspeaks that "God will show mercy and not rebuke on judgement day". There are concessions for sins to be forgiven and dismissed, but I don't think our careless words are exempt from punishment. God will deal with every idle word. We must speak with caution, especially me- the babbler.

Consummation: Not a Private Matter

2011-07-26T13:53:00.001-04:00

Disclaimer: This blog post deals with sexuality. Use your own discretion.

I joined a Facebook conversation that dealt with sexuality. The initial status read: “Question: What do you think of the word ‘sexy’? Is it good or bad?”

It caused plenty of chatter. Some said the word was profane. Some said it depended on the context. Some said “sexy” is found everywhere in scripture.

I am more liberal than most of my Christian comrades. I don’t think sex is a private matter. Scripture is full of sexual material. We read that our Father Abraham slept with Hagar. We read that Adam and Eve were naked in paradise. We read that David slept with Bathsheba. We read that Solomon wanted to take “hold of those choice fruits” (Song of Solomon 4:16). Even Proverbs, which speaks highly of discretion, writes:

“Rejoice in the wife of thy youth. As a loving hind and a pleasant doe, let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love (Proverbs 5:18-19).

The Old Testament revolves around sex because the Hebrew tradition is steeped in family and bearing children. One Jewish tradition made the best man witness the first sexual act after the marriage ceremony. The best man would then tell everyone that the marriage was consummated. Everyone would rejoice. The marriage bed was undefiled and people celebrated it!

Now we live in a culture that has distorted sexuality. Therefore, most Christians glow red if sexuality is talked about in public. I think this is a tragedy. Sex isn’t evil. Sex is a gift. It is a power expression of commitment, love, and connectivity.

God made sure that sexuality even had a miraculous witness. If you find a woman who is pregnant, you know that sexual intercourse has taken place. God isn’t ashamed of sex. He makes it obvious to everyone: you have a baby- you had sex. If God isn't ashamed, then we shouldn't be either.

I share this on a public forum because I want the church to reclaim sexuality. Instead of stifling the conversations and avoiding the movies, we need to speak about the beauty of sex within a marriage relationship. We need to preach that God gave pleasure and blesses the union of man and woman. There is no reason to be ashamed of the sacred.

Heartache

2011-07-25T00:57:00.001-04:00

Last night I had a dream, which displays my current heartache. In the dream, I didn’t see anything except blackness. However, I was aware of my emotions. I was in emotional turmoil. I felt an intense loneliness because I needed the Lord’s presence. The longing for Him increased in the dream. As I felt this longing for His presence, I felt my physical heart tighten and ache. It felt like a heart attack. I heard the Lord’s voice. “Tamara, your inner longing for me is killing your physical body.” I woke up.

Have you ever experienced a broken heart? After you lost that love, did it cripple your participation in life? Did you fall into a depression that threatened your health?

I am heartbroken. I feel a constant grief. When I sing worship songs, the pain only increases. I feel empty without His hug. I feel depressed without His laugh. The life I live is dark and meaningless without Him.

I know this sadness isn’t healthy. It is a weight that I shouldn’t carry. It is a heaviness that halts my breathing. I realize that my desire for God is out of balance. My ache for His physcial return is stronger than my awareness of His close Spirit. I am mourning inside, and it may be killing me.

And Jesus said to them, "Can the wedding guests mourn as long as the bridegroom is with them? The days will come when the bridegroom is taken away from them, and then they will fast. Matthew 9:15

Until I Rest

2011-07-16T00:37:00.001-04:00

Restless by Audrey Assad is quickly becoming my favorite Christian song. I have struggled with resentment and anger toward God because of some circumstances in my life. However, when I run away from God, I find I have nothing to run toward, nothing to heal the loss in my heart.
God is my only source of peace. Even when we are not on the best of term, He is still my anchor.
In the stillness of the night, when tears are escaping my eyes, His presence rests on my frail body. When I face the darkness, I remember He shared a similar pain in Gethsemane. Jesus submitted even when Father God's plan seemed brutal and unfair.
When the world shatters my sensitive soul, He speaks of unrealized wonder, which will be found in His kingdom. When I try to yell at Him and rebel against Him, I encounter those eyes. That look of gentleness, power, and an unrelenting pursuit. There is a secret place of escape, when chaos is all around, His promise remains. He is the One who rescues me and He is my resting place.

Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
Matthew 11:29

Life is Simple

2011-07-14T22:04:00.001-04:00

I find it interesting that the two trees mentioned in Genesis are named “The Tree of Life” and “The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil”. It got me thinking.

I spend countless hours attempting to define good and evil. My generation is left to relativism. We must define our faith by sorting through various forms of thought. To aid in the discovery, we rummage through philosophy books, discuss religion with our peers, and beg our inner convictions to direct us.
I spend countless nights seeking the knowledge of good and evil and still I have ashamedly failed to wholly attain that knowledge. There are too many conceptions of good and evil, multiple layers and multiple complexities.
Will attaining that knowledge even satisfy us? Adam and Eve ate of the wrong tree. It was the Tree of Life that would have afforded them contentment.
If we strive to attain the knowledge of good and evil, we will find an endless ocean of possibility, which leads to incomprehension and disorientation. We will attempt to define that which can’t be defined.
To know all things, we must live much longer than 100 years. In our long pursuit of knowledge, we will find death before achieving full enlightenment.
The issue is not only that Adam sinned against God’s decree to NOT EAT. Adam sought the attainment of head knowledge without the understanding of life itself.
Life is simple. It is the opposite of death. Jesus is eternal life. God is the source of life. You won’t be bogged down by philosophies and your own intellectual pride if you wish to seek life. It is simple: to live you must do just that- live. That can only occur if God breathes into your nostrils. Ask that dirt named Adam and he will confirm it.

The Cure for Temptation

2011-07-11T14:07:00.011-04:00

All humans deal with temptation. We want to hold onto the hope that we won’t fall under the power of our temptations. There are practices we employ to aid our defenses. We avoid the temptation, we pray for protection, or we remind ourselves of the negative consequences.

I don’t like to fall under temptations because I owe my allegiance to the fairest of men, Christ Jesus. He is the greater pleasure. In His house there is fullness of joy.

Still, I am not immune. There are temptations that I must continually suppress. There are some temptations I know I can't overcome on my own. They lure me away in my moments of weakness. They come when I begin to doubt God’s goodness.

The Bible says God will not tempt you and He will always give you a way of escape. I am convinced that the best defense against the enemy’s enticements is the following: we must remember that this world has nothing for us and God is the superior delight.

Jesus was brought into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil (Found in Matthew 4:1-11).

“God” is found in each of Jesus’s reply.

1. “Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of GOD.”

2. “You shall not put the Lord your GOD to the test.”

3. “You shall worship the Lord your GOD and him only shall you serve.”

Jesus wasn’t just fighting the enemy. He was reminding Himself that He served a greater master. When temptation arises, I desperately attempt to redirect my affections toward my mighty Creator. We can't just run from the temptation. We must also allow God to rescue us from ourselves.

Estranged Relationship

2011-07-03T22:05:00.003-04:00

The past few months were spiritually dark, dark and mysterious. I lived through a traumatic event, an event that was death. Not a metaphorical death, a real ending. It has left me not as I was before. Those holy and righteous things I pursued, I no longer pursue. I fear the consequences of that "one thing" spoken of in Psalms 27:4. If I seek Your face, I will die.

A verse from Jeremiah:

“I did not sit in the company of revelers, nor did I rejoice; I sat alone, because your hand was upon me, for you had filled me with indignation. Why is my pain unceasing, my wound incurable, refusing to be healed? Will you be to me like a deceitful brook, like waters that fail?”

I can’t commune with God or His people as before. Something dramatic has taken place, and I am left reeling from it. No one knows my dark night. No one has shared this pit with me. No one fears hell like I do, as it mocks me and torments my mind. Oh Spirit of God, You alone know my sorrow.

I don’t know why there is no healing for me. I read Jeremiah and Lamentations. This is where I find the God I know. I hear Christian sermons about a loving God and a peaceful God. I believe He loves, but not in the way these shepherds are describing. I believe He gives peace, but not as the world gives. (John 14:27).

His love is a fervent, adamant, all consuming, dangerous, fierce fire. His peace is not a worldly convenience; instead it is a shock of reverence and fear, making all silent. He is jealous and burning with righteous indignation. I attempt to come before Him as a child, but due to the past battle, I am dressed as a blinded warrior. I love Him, but He is not the same God. His name is still Jesus, salvation. However, when I sought His face, I encountered a destroying fire.

Be with me Lord, during this trial. Don't let me go down to the pit. Restore the joy of my salvation. Redeem what the enemy has stolen.

Desire to Defend

2011-07-01T10:41:00.002-04:00

Recently, I have encountered Christians who have questioned my beliefs, even doubting my salvation. I am tempted to meet such judgments with ridicule and bitterness. I want to gnarl and bite. My soul becomes offended. I love to justify myself.
1. I believe in Jesus
2. I read my Bible
3. I attend church
4. I have been a devoted Christian for 25 years.
These are my puny attempts to defend myself. However, this list doesn’t justify me. I can't lean on my list of goodness. I must lean on Jesus’s mercy and covenant.

Paul had no desire to defend himself. However, his critics forced him to verify his apostleship. His spiritual brothers questioned his conversion and his authority. He was one of the great apostles and still people doubted him.

When someone attempts to belittle your influence in the kingdom, it can agitate the flesh. I love how Paul dealt with adversity. He rested in confidence before the Lord. He avoided boasting, except in his weakness.

No One Like Him

2011-06-28T15:41:00.001-04:00

One of Derek Webb’s most provocative lyric is taken from his song King and a Kingdom. “There are two great lies that I’ve heard: ‘the day you eat of the fruit of that tree, you will not surely die’ and that ‘Jesus Christ was a white, middle-class republican, and if you wanna be saved you have to learn to be like Him.’”

Let me share a hypothetical situation, which will help me enforce this lyric.
A man comes into his prayer time with his arms raised and his heart surrendered. He lifts up a passionate prayer, “Oh God, make me love as Christ loved.”

I believe God would honor that prayer, but He isn’t able to answer it in its entirety.
God used the Jewish race to prove to humanity that humans are flawed. God made sure that even the greatest names in the Old Testament were imperfect. Moses wasn’t able to enter the Holy Land because he struck a rock instead of speaking to a rock. David attempted to murder a man and slept with that man’s wife. This pattern continues into the gospels; study the life of Peter.

I think this was God’s deliberate plan. I believe when Eve and Adam ate the fruit, God never forsook His eternal plan. What plan is that? There is ONLY one found worthy! God created an entire earth full of wicked and weak inhabitants. By doing so, He created the perfect atmosphere for the spotless savior who would take dominion over sin and the grave.

When we attempt to be like Christ, we might fall into the trap of trying to become god. Jesus’s mission was a holy mission, which saved humanity. We can’t love as Jesus loved. If we did, we would rob Jesus of His authority and holiness.

God crushed humanity under His mighty hand, so that Jesus was the holy beloved of the Father. Jesus is the perfect, sacrificial representative of God. We can follow His example, but we will never dethrone Him of His holy and sacred calling, which no one will ever mimic.

Revelation 5: 1-10

Morality and the Contending Gospel

2011-06-27T18:37:00.001-04:00

Romans 6:14
For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace.

I have been listening to a radio series with my father. The White Horse Inn is a radio station, and they did an entire study on the book of Romans. I feel like my beliefs are reforming and reawakening.

The goal of the radio broadcast was to dismantle the apostasy hidden under current Christian thought. There is a growing morality message. If Christians seek God and attempt to obey the law, God will look on them with favor and reward their faithfulness. The radio voices rejected this common held notion. They were adamant that the only message entrusted to us is the simple gospel of redemption. “Jesus died for us and we are only saved by grace, our actions and heart longings are irreverent in God’s acceptance of us.”

This is the true gospel. Anything added to this rescue message is a heavy burden, and I can’t sit under it any longer. The message promoting our own effort is a false and a wicked perversion of the gospel.

Our battle against sin and immorality doesn’t qualify that we are God’s children. Just because we long for justice, doesn’t guarantee that God has a mansion for us in heaven. There are many non-Christians who want peace and love. There are many nonbelievers who live with integrity. The only thing that makes us righteous before God is His Son’s intercession, death, and resurrection. All other frills are false anchors.

I believe we need to return to the simple gospel, which Paul gave us as a defense against any other philosophy. Jesus delivers us from sin and that is NOT of ourselves. Many are following a distorted doctrine that creates strife, insecurity, and failure. Christianity is no longer by the law, which kills. It is about God's perfect love and Christ’s desire that none would perish. It is His kindness and mercy, not our will and misguided passion.

Since returning to this simple truth, I have found confidence and acceptance. God is taking away the fear of condemnation and failure. I no longer strive to prove myself to man or God. I reliquish my pride and striving. It is God who justifies!

Prosperity Quandary

2011-06-20T21:27:00.000-04:00

I know those who believe the "prosperity gospel" is a perversion of the gospel message. Ironically, these same people often own two vehicles, a large screen TV, and have a college education. I don't fully understand what Jesus thought of monetary goods. Does He approve of both expensive and poor lifestyles. Are some called to poverty and others to riches? Or does God require a certain standard for all his followers?

I think money is my greatest worry. This is not because I want more of it. It is because I don't know how God wants me to spend my money. This confusion has only grown since I am returning to college. Isn't debt a sin? I feel called to obtain a degree, but how do I justify spending thousands on an education while there are orphans starving?

I study scripture, and this further complicates the matter. One verse seems to announce that financial blessing is a sign of a righteous living and a repayment for generosity. Then there are other verses that rebuke those who live in luxury and make money their god.

I have always hated money because it makes me a slave. When I was younger, I wanted to live in the forest and eat berries. I thought if I learned to live like the Indians, off the land, I would not have to get a job. I hated the idea of working just to earn money. Who invented this exchange system anyway? That inventor was a fool! Now the whole world is enslaved to money. I think we are all suckers! Why do we let money rule our lives? Why is the economy the main concern of voters? Why don't we just burn those green pieces of paper and trust in God, like the slogan says?

I wish I could get a clear answer from God about this whole money monster. What am I to do my Savior?

My Inner Jewishness

2011-06-17T14:11:00.002-04:00

I don’t remember when I first fell in love with the Jewish race. I remember having a curiosity about Hassidic culture and the Holocaust. However, those two subjects will fail to define all of Judaism and its history. Jewish history, religion, and culture are vast subjects with many ambiguities. I am currently reading a book by Lisa Schiffman called Generation J. The author is a Jewish anthropologist who attempts to define Judaism, while attempting to find her own identity. It is on my top ten list of non-fiction writing.

My curiosity about the Jewish race has grown into spiritual respect and adoration. When I am introduced to a person of Jewish decent, I feel my spirit leap, and my smile broadens. I often hug the person and celebrate their Jewishness verbally. I take them in a tight embrace and say, “I love the Jewish people and I love you!” As one might expect, they often look astonished and confused. Most Jewish people no longer embrace their Jewish culture, so they aren’t sure if they are truly “Jewish”. This is the quandry Lisa Schiffman deals with in her book.

I wrestle with jealousy; I want to be Jewish. Now God constantly reminds me that: A person is not a Jew who is one only outwardly, nor is circumcision merely outward and physical. No, a person is a Jew who is one inwardly; and circumcision is circumcision of the heart, by the Spirit, not by the written code.(Romans 2:28-29)

However, I still argue with Him. I still voice my discontentment.

He responds: What about Ruth, Rahab, and Tamar? They were of my bloodline and they were Gentiles. What about the woman at the well? I accepted her as a Samaritan? (John 4: 1-26)

I respond, "I know the stories and the theology, but something within me feels insecure and less holy."

There is something dynamic and beautiful about the Jewish people. Not only because the Holocaust or Steven Spielberg. The Bible makes it clear that these people were the chosen people. These were the people God would used to display His glory. I respect our spiritual fathers and I am left to grumble about my obvious Gentile nature.

The Boy Who Cried False Teacher

2011-05-30T11:01:00.004-04:00

The apostle Paul writes about false teachers in his epistles. One of the most prominent false teachings for the early church came from the Judaizers. This sect of Christianity required that all converts follow the Torah law, which included circumcision. Paul identified this belief as a false teaching.

The phrase “false teacher” sounds foreboding and intimidating. Scripture warns of false teachers who will arise to lead others astray. However, I fear some Christians are paranoid and they use the phrase “false teacher” too liberally and incorrectly.

I have witnessed well-meaning individuals use the phrase “false teacher” frequently. “Prosperity gospel” and the “water-downed gospel” are terms believers use to label false teachings. The evangelical church is producing famous teachers who write books like “Your Best Life Now” written by Joel Osteen, which are berated by Christians who crave a more solid foundation of truth.

That which is presently weighing on my heart is this: numerous Christians are never satisfied with the Church’s state. They have an overly critical spirit and never trust. They enter a place of worship with an overly guarded heart. They search for the mess ups and the miss speaks. If the preacher has something profound and insightful to share, the hearer doesn’t heed because they are listening for the failure.

When a preacher shares something, I compare it with scripture and rely on my convictions. However, a disagreement doesn’t necessarily prove that a false teacher is in my midst.

For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. John 1:17

White Robes

2011-05-28T22:40:00.001-04:00

I think clothing is an art form. I love buying clothes that are artistic and unique. I told Jesus I wasn’t looking forward to wearing white robes for all eternity. White is the color of purity and we will be spotless before Him. However, I think it would be more entertaining to wear a rainbow or be clothed in clouds. I would like to wear something I can’t find on this earth, not white robes.

Then God reminded me of this precious verse:
Hallelujah!For the Lord our God the Almighty reigns. Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready; it was granted her to clothe herself with fine linen, bright and pure"— for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints.

These white robes are garments of righteousness. How would you like to waltz down the catwalk wearing “generosity”? I personally would love to meet Jesus covered in "sacrificial love". Some of my friends will wear “orphan justice” robes. I don’t think you will find those brands in Old Navy!

Is Jesus Shy?

2011-05-23T22:27:00.000-04:00

For a description of the personality types, you can visit this LINK.

Who hasn’t taken a personality test? Are you a choleric, melancholic, phlegmatic, or a sanguine? I wonder about the temperament of Jesus. From my study of the gospels, I have come to the conclusion that he was a melancholic when dealing with crowds, a choleric when dealing with the Pharisees and religious leaders, and a sanguine when hanging out with His disciples. He is a phlegmatic, as he sits on his current heavenly throne, completely content and affectionate.

I personally like the shy Jesus: the Jesus who avoided the crowds, the Jesus who asked that people not speak of his miracles, the Jesus who chose to be intimate with only a few disciples while on earth, the Jesus who withdrew from everything to pray on a hill. I have always envisioned Jesus in a melancholic manner. Of course, this is only conjecture. He might be more flamboyant like those silly sanguine types (that is my personality type by the way.)

How about the blogosphere? What personality type do you attribute to Jesus?

The Reality of the Anti-Christ Spirit

2011-05-22T21:11:00.000-04:00

A man predicted that the rapture would happen on May 21. There was Twitter and Facebook chatter, which mocked this prediction. This mocking helped to degrade the church and devalued Christ’s mission to redeem the earth.

Although, the rapture didn’t occur on May 21, I do believe a division occurred. “Who will you serve?” That was the question raised on May 21. Will this generation lean into scoffing and find false peace in drunkenness and complacency? Or will we accept Christ's mercy and compassion and hasten His return.

This is what troubles me:

The reality of the situation is as such: no one wants to say “This man is the anti-Christ” or “these people are influenced by the anti-Christ spirit". We want to believe in the goodness of humanity. It is intimidating to accuse someone of being under the influence of the anti-Christ. When a warning states that an anti-Christ spirit is at work, most humans scoff, laugh, and dismiss it. Not many want to acknowledge that evil REALLY does exist. As God's ambassadors, we must combat and expose Satan's end time plan. Satan relies on our lack of expectancy. He wants us to believe that the Anti-Christ will never decieve the earth. He wants us to ignore the signs and believe in a false peace. Jesus is the faithful witness. He is speaking in these last days, "Keep Watch!"

Most of humanity is still sleeping. Despite obvious birthing pains!

There is a false teacher who is asking his congregation to tattoo 666 on their bodies. He also claims to be the anti-Christ. You can learn more about him at this LINK. There are youtube videos asking the listeners to commit the unforgivable sin. There are government officials who are raging against Israel. Not to mention all the natural disasters! I would hope that these signs would wake people out of their slumber. But, they don’t awake because they don’t believe there is a day of judgment. They don’t believe God’s word. They think His followers are religious nuts and use spiritual jargon to judge others.

The warning was given: "be ready, be on your guard, test the spirits"- because Jesus will come like a thief in the night. If you aren’t watching and willing to believe that Satan will send false prophets, then that day will come unexpectedly. Satan wants you to walk in unbelief and he wants you to scoff God's plan. Jesus's return isn’t about fear, manipulation, or judgment. It is about redeeming humanity from Satan, who longs to destroy everything that is good and pure in this world. He is a liar and he can deceive you, if you let him. I am not ashamed of the truth- Jesus is coming and everything he predicted will happen just as He proclaimed! God is truth and His Son is begging His creation to heed His words as the day approaches.

The Invisble Battle

2011-05-22T00:22:00.000-04:00

Satan and his minions better watch out! Satan has gained much ground because of my apathy, but that apathy is about to be replaced with vengeance. Satan hates me and has gone to great lengths to destroy me. This worthless enemy is about to regret his actions. When I fight, demons get hurt!

At this very moment, demons are igniting fiery darts and aiming them at my heart. Satan never ceases to accuse and throw threats. However, my battle cry will be followed with victory. I will destroy darkness! I will overcome fear! I will take my rightful place as His warrior bride! Those who scoff will be silenced. Those who oppress will be shackled. Those who send sickness will witness healing.
The reality of the situation- war is grueling and dangerous. I am prepared to brave this treacherous assignment. I will expose darkness and the light of God's continence will rest on me.

To See Him

2011-05-21T19:58:00.000-04:00

Last night, as I was driving to the Friday Night prayer service, my heart spoke the language of Thomas.

Now Thomas (called Didymus), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord!” But he said to them, “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it.” A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.”

I told God I wanted to see Him, as in physically view His frame. I have gained repugnance for singing to the air and uplifting an invisible deity. My frame was not made to reach into the unknown and conjure up a feeling. I was made to peer into the eyes of my bridegroom and respond with “holy, holy, holy”. Oh Father, restore your Son to the earth!!!

I will scold myself. My cry is rooted in selfishness and complaint. I should be content with the simple touches of His Holy Spirit. I should be appreciative of those felt convictions and His lavish gift of saving grace. I don’t even deserve those hand-outs. Yet, I still long for the fullness. God took on flesh. Whoa!

Longing to Worship

2011-05-11T21:07:00.000-04:00

The throne room never turns my worship away! However, I don’t think my worship is always authentic or pure. I long for the day when my flesh dies! My heart aches to give God everything, but these invisible chains hinder my heart and soul.

The devil is wounding me. He wants to quench my love. He wants to kill my passion. He wants me to attend worship services with a bitter attitude. He wants me to sing worship songs while my heart doubts God’s love. He wants to blind my generation and lead them into apathy and distraction.

My love will be stronger than the grave. I will vanquish these demons with blazing worship, worship undefiled. I contend against those apathetic worship services. Jesus is worthy of true, violent worship that brings down heaven and crushes Satan. My worship will destroy darkness and entertain my heavenly Father.

Those incredible past moments, when worship became tangible, cause me to scoff any worship service that doesn’t delight my senses. Past tastes of glory cause me to despise anything less. Is it wrong to ask for the fullness? Is it wrong to crave that lingering holy weight? I want weep. I want to convulse. I want to shout without reservation. I want to kiss Him. I want to overcome this world with worship that is pure, constant, and expensive!

Harsh Holy Humor

2011-05-03T20:11:00.002-04:00

This is the message folks, which is rattling my cage.

Two Masters

2011-05-02T14:02:00.000-04:00

Matthew 6:24 “No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money."

With my recent return to college, this verse is gaining precedence in my daily thought life. I want to attend a private Christian college, but I honestly can’t afford it. I feel like God has directed me to attend Taylor University. However, the Money Monster is causing me to doubt that calling.

I fear I am a slave to money. I believe that debt, any debt, is a sin. This includes college loans. At the beginning of my college journey, I thought debt was a necessary evil. Now I fear the chains and the future months of repayment. If I avoid debt, I will be forced to avoid graduation too.

My American culture has further complicated the issue. How can I spend thousands of dollars on an education, when $30 a month can feed a starving child? I encounter Christian phrases like “prosperity message” or “poverty spirit”. As the Christian battle rages on the topic of finance, I find myself bewildered. I don’t know what I believe.

I hate money. I want to be free of it, but apparently life isn’t sustainable without it. How can one tell when money is a master?

Easter Sunday

2011-04-24T16:06:00.002-04:00

Every Easter Sunday, my spirit is more vibrant and ready to celebrate. Today I feel accepted and loved, more so today than any other day. The weather is gorgeous, and the church pews are full. I wore a fancy dress and wore makeup, which is a rarity. My congregation shed tears of joy, danced in the love of God, and celebrated the ageless resurrection message. At the end of the service, I lingered.

My entire body was bursting with joy, thankfulness, and resurrection power. It is hard to leave such an atmosphere of worship. I never want holy week to end (and I suppose it never actually does). God’s presence follows us wherever we go. His resurrected body is in heaven today, receiving the praise He deserves.

This Easter I was confronted with the preciousness of church. I know skeptics believe the organized church is all about religion, spiritless activity, and dead tradition. However, this perception is contrived by the devil himself. Church gatherings are full of hope, love, and faith. I share a sacred faith with a community of believers who are changed by the man of love.

New Tongues

2011-04-20T13:00:00.000-04:00

I believe in tongues. Tongues have paved the way for supernatural encounters in my life. I have a distinguishable prayer language. My prayer language owns a familiar sound. I believe all prayer languages can be distinguished from other prayer languages. Christians are granted a unique sound in tongues.

My prayer language consists of lullaby sounds and soft consonants. It isn’t intimidating. It sounds comforting and forgiving. It is easy to sing in tongues because my prayer language is melodic.

However, my prayer language recently changed. One night, I was praying in tongues and I noticed an obvious transformation. My consonants were harder and the sound could be described as Middle Eastern. I am wondering if I am praying in a known language now. I must admit, I like this prayer language more. It is more commanding and confident.

I never thought my prayer language would change. However, it has obviously happened. I am curious, why now? Has anyone in the blogosphere experienced a similar change in your prayer language?

He Still Loves You

2011-04-19T20:57:00.002-04:00

The result of Jesus’ death and resurrection is clear: a paid price for our sins and free access to Father God. However, my natural tendency is to earn praise through effort. This often happens unconsciously.

I think the tragedy is when I use my religious activity to justify my soul. This troubles God’s heart the most. I find security in attending church, praying, reading my bible, and feeding the poor.

All church leaders love to see their congregations participate in these activities. Leaders quickly notice my devotion, passion, and commitment. In return, I receive promotions: church acolyte, worship backup, youth pastor, and coffee preparer.

I assume God is impressed by these activities and promotions. Therefore, I attend more meetings, worship with more enthusiasm, and look for new ways to serve. At the end of the day, I am exhausted and expect an extra bonus from the Maker of Heaven and Earth.

I enter my prayer closet and ask, “God, how did I do today? Was I good and did I obey?”
God replies, “I love you.”
“Yes, God you told me that yesterday and the day before.”
"It is the same today as it was yesterday. No less true. I love you the same."

This is glorious and astonishing. God’s loving-kindness has no end! It is the celebration of the Christian faith. We strive to earn His favor and eventually remember that our efforts are ash. His love is fiery and it never changes. I want His love to be enough. I want to rest in it. I want to trust that nothing can rob me of this love…and here is the good part….nothing can! Ohhh I love the good news.

I Slept

2011-04-16T21:50:00.000-04:00

"I slept but my heart was awake." Song of Solomon 5:2

This phrase is a perfect description of my current spiritual unrest. In my heart, I acknowledge that God is worthy of all my time, affections, and attention. I know His love is a river that will never run dry. God's goodness knows no limits. My heart is alive...
...but my flesh is weak. I am weary with striving.

I have sought the Lord in various settings: in the middle of the night, at the break of dawn, when my heart was failing, when my spirit was alive, when I had others to run with me, and when I was alone. These efforts feel like vanity. God has blessed me beyond what I deserve, but I have a continuous ache that rages within me. I long for more; I long for the fullness. Anything less is a punishment and a torment.

In my childishness, I assume: if I am God's beloved and favorite, surely He would have answered my groaning by now. He would have returned. Maybe He doesn't hear my cry. I know I am ungrateful. I know God's timing is perfect. I will rest, but my heart is still aflame. My desperation for God continues to grow. This desire is insatiable. It is the joy of being lovesick.

Holy Awkward

2011-04-15T22:43:00.000-04:00

Most teenagers have an insatiable desire to be popular, liked, and normal. I was no exception. I use to think my social awkwardness was something to conquer. I assumed my awkwardness was due to some deficiency.

Even now, with friends who are wonderful and exceptional, I still feel awkward. I no longer fear my awkwardness. I realize it is God’s desire to set me apart. He wants me to be awkward around everyone else; He wants me to be rested and comfortable around Him alone. He has made me holy awkward.

I Am Convinced

2011-04-13T20:39:00.000-04:00

I am convinced now.

I doubted His ability. Life was too dark, evil surrounded me, my dreams shattered, my heart sick, and my hope stolen. Surly it was too late for the Holy Spirit to intervene. Why waste His holy time on a hopeless case.

I assumed I would walk with this black cloud constantly resting over my fragile mind. I had the spirit of heaviness and thought the garment of praise was reserved for His more privileged children.

Satan proved himself the robber. He came to steal, kill, and destroy. Those satanic teeth are shaper than I expected and I wasn’t prepared for battle. He knew how to vanquish my childlike joy. But, it wasn't over.

Here comes the Father, to repay Satan with annihilation. Here comes the Father, to restore my smile. Here comes the Father, full of joy, with a captivating dance.

God is a warrior. He rips this depression dragon off my shoulders. He ties him in chains, never to be released. The Lion of Judah's roar of victory is heard and it shakes the earth and the heavens.

My joy returns and it is seven fold stronger. God is my portion, and I hold no claim to this fading, tragic world. I wait for the alternative: the kingdom of light and unending pleasure. Death, where is your sting?

Welcome back joyful spirit! You are there when I am singing in the dungeon, you are eternal. You are there when I am broken and penniless, you are eternal. The fruit of joy is the sweet flavor dripping from my lips, it is eternal. I will sing of His resurrection power. He has proven Himself true.

New Creation

2011-04-07T16:28:00.000-04:00

God never changes; however, His people experience a perpetual state of flux. My personal reformations frequently occur . Last year, I had a victim mentality. This year, I am more than a conquer. Next year, I will probably be a mix of both.

My most recent transformation was dramatic . I am note quite comfortable in my new skin. I look in the mirror and don't recognize my reflection. I love the change. I am a better, wiser person. However, the change is foreign and awkward.

I have an identity that is constantly rearranging itself. My standards change. My dreams and aspirations change. My relationships change. It is a supernatural work of the Spirit that I can't explain or properly describe. I see the undeniable evidence of a radical shift that can only be connected to a force more powerful than myself. Past triggers, those issues that once caused great and unquenchable pain, seem like such small matters now.

My advice? Don't fear change. God is in the business of making a glorious new creation! Your new creation will be more beautiful than you will ever imagine.

2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!

Am I Mad?

2011-04-05T00:22:00.000-04:00

I had a conversation about my recent psychotic break. My friend and I talked about how this event affected my relationship with God.

The question was asked, "Are you mad at God?"

I responded with a adamant "no". I then explained that I am not mad at God; I simply don't understand His motivations. It bothers me that I don't know the "why" in all this tragedy and trauma. I don't understand the greater purpose. I simply hate myself for not seeing His hand in all this. I am not angry at God. I am simply super curious.

I had a dream last night. Various settings were flashing before my eyes. I saw a preacher at a pulpit. I saw a man boxing. I saw a man walking on a street. I saw various men in different locations. Before the setting changed to the next setting, the male's face changed to Jesus's face, each time.

I assume the dream meant that Christ is in every situation. However, it may also speak to my tendency of idolatry. Trying to form God out of my experiences. Making Him into something I can grasp or something I can handle.

Again, I don't feel anger. I simply fear not knowing Him in His fullness. I want to understand why He sent me through this whirlwind of emotions. I have a few assumptions, but no concrete assurances.

My friend replied, "You won't fully know in this life." I understand why she said that, but I don't like that response. I want to seek God and get some answers. I want to know His motivations because I don't want Him to be a mystery. I want to be intimately acquainted with His heart.

Worship Lesson

2011-03-26T00:35:00.000-04:00

This is a word for all those worship leader and those who long to particpate in a lifestyle of worship.

The Mysterious Spirit

2011-03-26T00:15:00.001-04:00

I think the Bible has much to say about Father God and Jesus. I feel the Spirit is described with less detail. The Spirit wants to draw us to Christ. He doesn't speak of Himself for this very reason.

I admit, I have a new curiosity. I hear the Spirit is not a force or a feeling. I hear He is a person who comforts and guides. However, even those descriptions are shrouded in mystery.

He resides in me! This testimony is not a riddle or a parable; it is a reality. What substance are your made of Holy Spirit? How did you get in me? What form do you delight to take? You reign on the earth now! Your kingdom is now! You are heaven on earth! You are gentle and You are the whisper we long to hear. Take your place; be enthroned on our praise.

Protected from Sin

2011-03-25T23:12:00.001-04:00

A popular message for this generation is the “sin battle”. We are told to war against Satan and resist the temptation to sin. I know those who have struggled with drug addiction, sexual addictions, alcoholism, homosexuality, and various other sins. To defeat these demons, my friends spend hours in heated prayer and attend cleansing conferences. They are encouraged to “take up the full armor of God”.

Honestly, I rarely battle sin. From my youth, I owned an instinctive craving for holiness and purity. I had this innate desire to know God and prove to Him that I was willing to live righteously. I avoided sin because I truly hated it. I didn’t put forth any powerful effort to keep myself unstained by the world. I was simply protected by grace. I was hemmed in on all sides.

I must admit my own bewilderment. Why did God give me the grace to live holy while my neighbor is shackled by sin? God set a standard for my life and I followed. I don’t think I am better than anyone else, but I know I am different. I know His strength has sustained me. I know sin is far from me. I know God guards my spirit and I will dance in His charity.

I wrote this, wanting to understand this doctrine of battling sin. What is your experience?

Can't Stand Still

2011-03-24T19:49:00.000-04:00

I grew up in a conservative church where dancing wasn't proper worship etiquette. I am not opposed to this type of restraint. I know sitting still in a pew can produce respect and honor. However, recently I can't sit still. I visited a conservative church this last Sunday and I was rocking in my seat. I couldn't hold back my praise. My soul is craving expression!

I don't dance at every opportunity; however, lately it is harder to remain still. I am breaking out of whatever was holding me back. God is worthy of our praise. He wants us to be caught in His dance. He wants us to be vessels of deliverance and worship.

Not Offended

2011-03-23T20:25:00.001-04:00

I lust for justice more than I lust for the comfort of my soul. If God sentenced me to hell, I would be content knowing His heart and perfect will. I want to live an unoffended life that respects the truth. All will worship at the judgement seat of Christ, even those destined for hell. When the truth is revealed, all will agree with Jesus's judgement: for it will be true and holy.

We must test the words that tickle our ears. Numerous voices pull at our souls, and the enemy knows how to manipulate. He will slyly steal our holiness. Be on your guard; look for the way of escape.

The unadulterated truth will destorys all our human defences. I don't want something that sounds lovely, but has no substance. I don't want to lean on mercy, if there is none found in my eternity. I want to have spiritual eyes to see the battle above me. I want to work out my salvation with fear and trembling. I don't want to be complacent. I want all the filters and blinders to be destroyed. I want to know God's will, whatever the outcome. Bow to Him, for He is Your Lord.

God what do you really think about me? What is your true opinion? How do you see me? God wash me in Your word and reveal Your heart. Protect me from the enemy.

Guarding My Asking

2011-03-20T17:57:00.001-04:00

There are many theologies about prayer. I am a student of prayer and have submitted to various techniques and disciplines. I have many friends who call me "a person of prayer". The truth is I have seasons of intense, fiery prayer and I also have moments of dullness and unbelief.

I think the secret to my prayer life is my ability to guard my requests. I don't just come before the throne and toss up haphazard requests and praises. I don't repeatedly ask for the same thing. I only bring those request that I consider worthy of God's ear.

I think repetitive asking is biblical. This is supported in scripture, but it is not the only model. There are moments when I guard my prayer life. There are prayers I only pray when the moment is sacred and inviting. God has millions/trillions of request that come before His throne. I want my prayers to be original and special to His heart.

Fragile Fellowship

2011-03-20T13:33:00.017-04:00

This last winter season was difficult for me. My hospital stay was torture. I am not going to water it down. I had visions of hell. I experienced Lamentation. I am recovering from this trial fully aware that I need Christian fellowship.
It is also true: a seed must be buried before it produces fruit.

We all must experience our lamentation season before we leap on the mountain tops with our brothers and sisters. We must prove our devotion to one another by experiencing various trails and temptations together as a body.

Remind us, Lord, to number our days. Help us not take each other for granted.

A Time To Dance

2011-03-17T18:41:00.000-04:00

Dance is a type of worship. Some leave it for the church's dance team. Some dance when they attend a wedding. Some dance just to let loose for awhile. I think we underestimate the power of dance. It is a weapon for a prayer warrior. It requires great freedom to dance before the Lord.

I am starting to dance before the Lord again. I use it mostly as a weapon against the enemy. When I move, I know chains are falling to the ground. God deserves our highest praise. Dance, Christians, Dance!

God and Suffering

2011-03-17T15:49:00.002-04:00

One of the secular world's greatest defence is that if God exists, He is cruel and evil to cause such suffering and destruction. Christians struggle to reply to this accusation because it seems true. How could a loving God allow an earthquake to cripple Japan? How could He send a violent Katrina into our friend's backyards? Some Christians blame the destruction on Satan's end time plan to destroy the human race. This might be true to some extent, but I am considering another option.

Romans 8:20-25

For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God. We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

I think the current shakings are a good thing. Don't dismiss my thoughts; hear me out. When a woman gives birth, the contractions and pain are real agony, but the purpose is for good. When Jesus (FULLY GOD) is about to make an appearance, the shaking will increase. I relate it to a first date. Your heart flutters, you keep checking yourself in the mirror, you plan what you are going to say, and you are nervous. When God comes near, the earth MUST react. It has no choice in the matter. God is God. He is just and He is powerful. His presence descending on a fallen world will be a dramatic occurrence. He will have the eyes of all men and women. The earth will respond with violent contractions.

Do I weep and mourn for those who perished in the tsunami? Yes! Yes! It is tragic and horrifying. However, I am not without hope. Jesus went to the grave and He rose again. It is hard to say goodbye to the old earth. No matter, this world is still finite. After the pain of childbirth, a beautiful new creation will arise. Jesus, I long to to know the power of Your resurrection!

2 Peter 3:10-13
But the day of the Lord will come like a thief. The heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything done in it will be laid bare. Since everything will be destroyed in this way, what kind of people ought you to be? You ought to live holy and godly lives as you look forward to the day of God and speed its coming. That day will bring about the destruction of the heavens by fire, and the elements will melt in the heat. But in keeping with his promise we are looking forward to a new heaven and a new earth, where righteousness dwells.

Stealth Evangelism

2011-03-17T15:18:00.000-04:00

I frequent the local gym and have conversation with some of the members. In the last two days, I have had encounters with three subtle evangelist. It is so entertaining to witness their approach. I pretend I am a heathen with no conception of scripture. I don't manipulate the situation, I just listen and let them preach. It is rather comical to hear the older generation attempt to minister to me. They quote well-known scripture verses and invite me to church. They often use the word "contemporary service". (The young adults' key phrase.)

The first introduction to the Gospel is a sacred moment. God's message is simple and easily proclaimed. Evangelism and discipleship are gateways to glory. The subtle message will produce a radical love for a vast universe held together by a man on the throne, who will come to take a bride. Inviting someone to church is a simple step, but a necessary one, an invitation to encounter a perfect, radiant face.

The Happy Ending

Playing Dress Up for Father

2011-03-17T00:08:00.000-04:00

I often rely on my image. In high school, I was in show choir and theater. You cannot be in these activities without spending time obsessing over image. Not all actresses are drop-dead gorgeous, but all actresses realize the craft involves presenting an image/character.

There is a false perception that women only dress up to attract men or to get a respectable job. Female beauty is more complicated. Women long to be beautiful because God created us to be beautiful. Beauty has very little to do with wearing the latest trends or attempting to look like a Hollywood star. Beauty has little to do with how many men take a second peek. For me, beauty is a form of self expression.

Beauty is about the artistic nature of women. We long to express ourselves and we love discovering our God given beauty. When we look in the mirror and respect the person looking back at us, we find contentment. Some girls can express power when they wear jeans. Some girls can express modesty by wearing a scarf on their head. Some women display mystery by using eyeliner. Some women, like myself, express wisdom by wearing glasses. :)

Some may label the pursuit of beauty as "a vain endeavor" (last time I checked, it is all vanity). Today I spent money on hair products when I could have donated that money to the Japan Disaster Relief. Believe me, I struggled with this choice. However, after I pampered myself, I realized that God isn't offended by my desire for beauty. He enjoys me.

During a time of worldwide turmoil, God is revealing His desire for a beautiful restoration. He beckons me to escape the worry and find the beauty. He is telling me the story of the shepherd boy, David, who apparently was handsome and a psalmist. God is calling me to look at the stars, the sunrise, and the little rivers. He is allowing me to embrace humanity, in fallenness and sainthood. God's creation is beautiful, valley and mountain.

Remember, the glorious Holy Spirit resides in our vessel. We need not fear our mirror. I daily look at my face and remind myself that God said:

O my dove, in the clefts of the rock, in the secret place of the steep pathway, let me see your form, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your form is lovely.

Dream in the Night

2011-03-16T15:35:00.002-04:00

I had another spiritual dream last night.

In the dream, God told me I will be able to walk through walls and fly when I receive my new body. I also saw spirits dancing around the stars together, lovely to behold.

I will tell you something: God is persistent. If you think you have done something horrific, He forgives. If you haven't done enough, He is enough. If you are confused, He is stable. If you are worried, He is calm. If you are rebellious, He is there to lead you back. If you are afraid, He overcomes your fear.

He is ravishing. His beauty IS worth all the pain in the world. Our reward is Him and He is everything.
Trust me. I hear of kids with cancer. I hear of the devastation in Japan. I hear of DUI accidents. I hear of death, which is the future of all men and women. I know of pain and suffering. However, Jesus conquered death. Our portion is Him. He is worth all our pain and suffering. He is near and....

He is coming soon.

Japan and The Coming

2011-03-14T16:31:00.000-04:00

I think it is interesting that our world is decaying and scientist are still attempting to save it. They suggest we must recycle more, drive less, and overcome mother nature by pure effort and money. Scientist should know the facts; this globe will not live forever without God.
I listen to the news and the commercials still come. People still want to make money even while children are starving and facing radiation poisoning. We are in denial.
Love of money is still the root of all kinds of evil. The truth is money can't save us anymore. Philosophies, politics, and entertaining movies can't save humanity.
I approach these disasters like I always have: it will get worse before His return. I approach this desperation with hope for the future. I am not afraid or filled with worry. I am impressed. Jesus will come with power to solve all the world's problems. He will show His muscles, His roar, and His white horse. The greatest love story/adventure story ever to brave the known universe. I am falling in love and leaving worry for all those who are lost and refuse to bow.

Give and Take

2011-03-13T15:42:00.000-04:00

I have numerous dreams and I am ridiculously ambitious. I chase after lofty goals and fall in the mud. I feel shame and embarrassment as I wipe the dirt off my face. However, the house of the Lord is never taken from me.

His presence goes with me. He stays there when I miss my three-point basketball shot. He is there when I am lying on a bed on a psyche ward. He is there when I get a bad grade on a test. He is there when I give up everything I want and crave.

When I remind myself of this glorious mystery, named Christ, I realize I don't lose anything. He redeems everything I lose and returns it 7 fold. Danger, destruction, and death rarely scare me. He faced it and He now has the victory. Jesus is the hope of the nations.

Relief

2011-03-11T19:35:00.000-05:00

After watching the news reports on the earthquake, I felt relief. I am wrestling with feelings of worthlessness and insignificance. When I saw the destruction, I was reminded of the massive nature of my depravity. There are things I can do, but in reality they amount to little.

I think the prayer movement is about to explode; it is the only truly supernatural certainty. We are dependent on God. Our cries for a Father's protection will do more for the future of this universe than our attempts to fix a decaying globe.

The chaos and natural havoc is a pleasant reminder. It reminds me of His powerful love. All of nature submits to Him. He is coming closer and the earth is birthing a NEW EARTH. He is coming and I am ready. Thank you Lord for being who You are without compromise. You are lovely and extravagant. You are alarming us! I am ready. Even so Lord COME!

It Wasn't My Idea

2011-03-10T19:53:00.004-05:00

The enemy is uncomfortable when we speak about the attractive Lord and our bridal idenity. I want to plainly state: it wasn't my idea. I didn't watch a romantic movie and think: hmm I wonder if God loves me like the hunky boy in that teenage love story. I didn't wake up lonely and have only one way to survive: let's create an image of God as a flawless boyfriend. It will save me heartache. That is not how it happened. The Bible was written before I was born and it still speaks DIRECTLY to my love craving.

God IS love. It is an external truth until it becomes an internal reality - when you are born again (John 3:3). That is what scripture screams. However, it makes no sense to our frail soul! The enemy wants us to disbelieve it. We fight this love more than we celebrate it.

All creation craves the love of God. Once Jesus's holy love is revealed, it is impossible to resist. The world’s gods are too stoic to be embraced. Most religions suggest god is a force, a stoic feeling, or a moral teacher.

Christianity is a love story. God meets girl. Don’t believe me? I understand. It isn’t something our brains grasp. But, our spirits long for this simple, beautiful truth. Admit it; you are intrigued. God is intigued as well. He isn't mad. He smiles at you.

He screams, "I LOVE YOU!" No arguement will prevail against His affection. Trust me, I know how to argue! He wins eveytime.

Bible: A Small Taste

2011-03-09T13:58:00.000-05:00

My favorite gospel is John. The introduction is captivating and authoritative. The world is introduced to the light, Jesus (name means Salvation).

I grew up in church and our denomination was heavy on two topics: our reliance on grace and the authority of scripture. My Sunday school teachers taught me about historical events: David and Goliath, Rahab the Harlot, and Paul and his many adventures. Obviously the hero for all these stories was Jesus.

I have personally experienced a distaste for scripture. This distastes comes from an immense spiritual hunger. Flipping thin, golden lined pages can only satisfy my hunger for a moment; then I crave the Man.

I know many of my friends who are now raising children are going beyond Bible lessons. This up coming generation will understand that Jesus is ALIVE. Scripture gives us a foundation and a historical reference. However, the Holy Spirit is the one who dictates how we perceive scripture and live our daily lives.

The Holy Spirit is not limited by scripture and He is not dependent on it. We use the Bible to know God better, but it isn't the end all. A living breathing relationship with the Holy Spirit is key and not debatable.
I respect scripture and soak in it when my spirit craves foundational understanding. However, when I crave affection, comfort, and freedom, I go straight to the Source.

For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are open and laid bare to the eyes of Him with whom we have to do. Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Enough

2011-03-06T20:14:00.001-05:00

I have been soul searching this past month. What does God require of me? Have I done something to earn His favor or His indignation? Do I truly submit to His word? Have I created my own god to worship or do I truly love the man and God, Jesus? These are hard questions to ask.
One of the ways I deal with the supernatural is to turn to the arts: dance, music, poetry, videos.
I created this video to deal with my prayer obsession and my need to be close to my Savior. This video is slow and will put most people to sleep. However, it speaks to me. Sorry, if the ending dissapoints you. I made it anticlimatic because God is simple.

Random Writings

2011-03-04T14:50:00.000-05:00

For those of you who faithfully follow this blog, I thank you. I wanted to make you aware that I havve been spending lots of my energy on writing poetry. Check out my Writing Blog.

My Verse/ His Verse

2011-03-04T12:54:00.000-05:00

I have a particular verse that rattles my sanity and stability.

"An ox knows its owner, and a donkey its master's manger, but Israel does not know, my people do not understand" Isaiah 1:3 (New American Standard Bible).

You can't avoid the relativism debate, if you hope to be a successful evangelist. Everyone, secular or religious, will attempt to use the Bible to promote their ministry, enhance their opinion, stoke their ego, and sell a record.

It is during these moments when one must lean on grace, not on their understanding or knowledge. Grace isn't mercy. Grace is the power to live within the realm God assigned you. If you attempt to live someone else's ministry or influence someone's thoughts, you are stepping into the realm of control and manipulation.

The Holy Spirit is fully able to promote you when it is time. The Holy Spirit is fully able to humble when it is time. The Holy Spirit is fully able to lead you or end your life when it is time. If you don't understand God now, trust me, you will in the future.

You Have the Right to Remain Silent

2011-03-03T11:24:00.000-05:00

"FOR ZION'S sake will I [Isaiah] not hold my peace, and for Jerusalem's sake I will not rest until her imputed righteousness and vindication go forth as brightness, and her salvation radiates as does a burning torch."

Many Christian use this verse to force God's hand through prayer. "God, we won't stop praying until Jerusalem is a praise in all the earth!" After these ferocious prayer meetings, many leave disheartened because God is silent. They didn't hear God speak, they didn't feel his presence, and they didn't receive an answer. They assume they failed or that God just doesn't care.

However, what if God is silent because Zion's sake is upheld in the earth. When we praise YAHWEH, He has no need to respond because His name has been glorified in our praise. He can be silent and He can rest.

Give Me, Give Me

2011-03-03T10:58:00.000-05:00

"Or what man is there of you, if his son asks him for a loaf of bread, will hand him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will hand him a serpent? If you then, evil as you are, know how to give good and advantageous gifts to your children, how much more will your Father Who is in heaven [perfect as He is] give good and advantageous things to those who keep on asking Him!"

I often doubted this verse. I would ask for something and it would never happen. However, now I realize God DID answer those prayers ("just not the way I was expecting").

I have asked God for restored friendships and now I have Facebook. I have asked to meet David Krumholtz and he is accessible through CBS's web page and Twitter. I have asked to reach out to orphans in Africa and found various reputable foundations that support the poor.

The world wide web is an answer to numerous prayers! I can't complain when I pray anymore because I know most prayers are answered when I connect to the Internet. The only prayer this vast empire can't achieve is bringing my Jesus back to the earth. Still waiting for that app!

God I ask for a stone; the rock of my Salvation. :)

The Bad, The Good, and The Old

2011-03-01T19:43:00.000-05:00

Now that I am approaching the age of 31, I see the world in a completely different way. I no longer understand teenagers, children are a mystery to me, and I have more in common with ladies with white hair.

I actually look forward to losing my beauty and my graceful way. When my outer beauty fades, my inner beauty shines. I no longer spend hours in front of the mirror, like I did when I wanted to be an actress and a singer. I no longer hate sitting at home with my parents, watching a movie, eating popcorn loaded with butter, and no boy asking for my number.

Ugliness is a gift from God and I embrace it.

Isaiah 53:2 (Amplified Bible)

For [the Servant of God] grew up before Him like a tender plant, and like a root out of dry ground; He has no form or comeliness [royal, kingly pomp], that we should look at Him, and no beauty that we should desire Him.

For My Own Comfort

2011-02-23T14:22:00.002-05:00

Marriage Rape

2011-02-20T17:28:00.000-05:00

There are many men who force women to have sex without their consent. This is against the law. However, I would say many have been marriage conversation raped. If you force a man or women to marry you by constantly saying "we should get married", you are forcing intimacy before they are ready. If you casually tell a women she will eventually get married when she told you she isn't interested in marriage, you have forced intimacy.

I have numerous conversation with Christian women who tell me "I think you should get married" or "I think children are in your future", or "you will change your mind". It is a mental rape. I don't want to talk about the intimacy before I am ready.

Holy Spirit Prayer

2011-02-16T17:52:00.000-05:00

This Spirit is powerful, strong, comforting, dedicated, mysterious, elegant, trusting, loving, hoping, humble , and more. He can be whatever is necessary to glorify Jesus. He is free and can overcome all obstacles. I am in love.

Prayer Warrior and Battle Scars

2011-02-16T14:45:00.000-05:00

I had a misconception about intercessors. I thought intercessors sat in a room and rocked themselves to sleep through music and recited an occasional intense prayer. However, after commiting myself to prayer, I realized it is indeed a real battle. When you come against strong holds, you encounter real demons. These demons will stop at nothing to break your confidence as a believer: mentally, physically, and spiritually.

Prayer is work. When you contend for a generation drenched in hate, poverty, and hopelessness, you wage war and pay a steep price. I have battle scars: a mind aware of the world's injustices. I have battle scars: a broken brain crying out for sanity in an insane world.

When you come to a prayer meeting, it may seem boring. However, the longer you stay in the presence of God, the more you realize the battle we face is true. The anti-christ spirit is raging more and more. We must be there for our brothers and sisters in their time of need.

Conflict

2011-02-15T17:55:00.000-05:00

People who are dear to us, frustrate us. We hope that conflict is resolved quickly and smoothly. However, God is the author of conflict. This is evidenced in Old Testament battles and the apostle Paul’s confrontation with Peter (Galatians 2:1-14). Once conflict arrives, God has the opportunity to create future restoration and glory.
Christians love extravagantly and Christians bicker. New believers don’t understand the Bible in totality; they may be tempted to judge our divisions. Let us show them we are His disciples by our love, sometimes love is born after conflict.

College Lesson (Take One Million)

2011-02-14T13:31:00.002-05:00

Returning to college was not in my plans. I didn't have the money or the motivation. God dragged me kicking and screaming. After I attended, I realized the calling on my life was larger than I first imagined. Thanks to Dr. Dennis Hensley, my professor, I learned that dedication makes one successful. I realized that God is serious about my career and college is preparing me.

I feared college and failure... and here it is again: another slight failure. I went to the One Thing conference and broke down during the last day of the event. Many blame my illness on the conference: "Tamara, you should learn not to attend those events!" (I didn't learn my lesson; I am still addicted to One Thing). However, I didn't realize how costly the perfume would be this time around. (John 12:1-8)

I lost my ability to return to classes for the winter. I might not be able to participate in the touring theater company. My friend and I are estranged from each other. My family misunderstands me. I have bills and debts to pay. I have a list of chores a mile long. I am single and helpless.Will this "tragedy" turn me into a Martha? I fear all writers are Maryarthas: a mixture of Mary and Martha. We don't fit into a box very well because, as Dr. Hensley taught me, writers are often misunderstood.

Love In The Air

2011-02-14T11:10:00.000-05:00

I spoke with a friend about romance. She admitted that her husband wasn't "romantic". The definition of romance is a bit shady. Love is a driver in our society because it creates security. When life gets difficult, humans usually crave affection and attention. However, there is a difference between love and romance.

Romance is about selfish desires while love is an action. Romance is Shakespeare while love is Jesus Christ.

Romance makes you feel good. Romance often disappoints you. Romance leads to lust. Romance is a temporary state.

Love is resilient, love is unconditional, love rages against injustice, love is peaceful, love is self-sacrificing, love keeps no record of wrongs, Love is the Father. Happy Valentines Day!

Connecting with God over the Internet and Media

2011-02-13T20:13:00.002-05:00

Many believe that the Internet is a web of evil. I was one of those people, until God interrupted my self righteousness addiction. I can connect with the world, just like Jesus and I prayed. Before the whole social networking phase, I lost connection with most everyone I met.

Now that Facebook is all the rage, I can reconnect with people. I have used this network to ask forgiveness. I used this network to disappoint guys. I use the Internet to connect with God.

I know some will read this blog and be inspired. However, the main reason I use this blog is to connect with God. I can read the Bible, watch a prayer room, and support numerous ministries.

Will the Internet ever become obsolete? Will an energy crisis make it crash? Are machines always reliable. I don't know, but I hope the technology creators realize the gift they have given us.

I feel the same way about media: like movies, music, and news. It is not evil. It is a venue to inspire. You all know this already, but I need to remind MYSELF. God and me talk out loud. I can't be silent.

Father

2011-02-12T18:53:00.002-05:00

I am a senstive and giving person. When it comes to sharing the good news, I am a blabber mouth. I want to preach constantly. However, when you preach, you are accountable for more. Recently, I have stepped off from my judging chair. Instead I am resting in the love of the Father.

City of Churches

2011-02-11T12:13:00.002-05:00

Many non-believers believe that church shouldn't have large buildings. They believe the money should be used to help the poor or heal the sick. Money should fund our neighbors. That is why I adore First Assembly. They realize the church isn't just a place to worship; it is a place to protect and serve.
When a building is made that can protect citizens from disaster, it is a refuge. It isn't just about a comfortable pew to sit in every weekend. It is about ministering to the broken and having a place of safety.
The more churches that are built, the more space for refuge. It is often said that the church needs to get "out of the box" or "beyond the four walls". What if there was a natural disaster and the church building doesn't buckle because it was built on a good foundation. Sometimes being inside a church rescues you from homelessness and gives you a good message at the same time.